<p><em><strong>Recovering from abuse, a discussion with Susan Lemere, ESME’s Guide for <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/addiction" target="_blank" class="wordlink">Addiction</a></strong></em></p><p>One of the great challenges of leaving an abusive relationship or surviving sexual assault is the feeling that one faces a lack of support. Because abuse is isolating and shaming, it contributes to feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy. Additionally, abusers frequently use external measures of power, such as controlling <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/work-and-finances" target="_blank" class="wordlink">finances</a> or time spent with friends and family, which can make it especially difficult for survivors to leave.</p><p>One of the most important steps in leaving an abusive relationship or healing from sexual assault is to seek out the help of a mental-health professional who has experience working in the fields of <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/domestic-violence" target="_blank" class="wordlink">domestic violence</a> and sexual assault. Not all mental-health professionals are created equal, and it is important for survivors to feel they are heard and understood.</p><p>My colleague, Susan Lemere, has worked in the mental-health and addiction field for the past 20 years, and she also has worked with several abuse survivors, so she understands the unique issues facing survivors. Lemere also has an MFA in Creative Writing from Pine Manor College, and as a <a href="https://esme.com/voices/perspectives/whats-a-solo-mom" target="_blank" class="wordlink">Solo Mom</a> to two children, she understands the difficulties and struggles that single mothers face.</p><p><strong>Q: Could you take a moment and describe how it feels when an abuse survivor comes to you for help?</strong></p><p>A: Well, in addition to being a therapist, I’m also a woman and a survivor, so when it comes right down to it, I have some of the same feelings my clients have during sessions. Often, it’s a mix: glad the person is asking for support, worried about their situation, angry about the prevalence and harmfulness of abusive behaviors, and hopeful that things can get better, especially now that the client is not trying to go it alone.</p><p><strong>Q: When you’re helping an abuse survivor, what are your priorities?</strong></p><p>A: That’s an interesting question. I think the No. 1 worry a lot of clients have about seeking help is this idea about conflicting agendas—the worry that someone will try to pressure them into a particular action or force a particular opinion on them. But a good therapist or counselor doesn’t approach the work that way.</p><p>Let’s say I have a new client who tells me she has been raped by a coworker. Knowing how devastating rape is, I will probably have the wish the rapist is arrested and convicted, and that these actions will hopefully deter him from ever doing it again. But the client may not want to go to the police for any number of reasons, including mixed feelings about the person who raped her (which happens often with acquaintance rape), concerns about the job, and fears about being retraumatized by the legal system. My job is to help the client sort out her thoughts and feelings, and decide what she wants to do. I can give her factual information, but I should not persuade her to take one course of action versus another because that’s acting as if she isn’t capable of thinking for herself or managing her own life. </p><p>To put it a different way, my job as a therapist, and therefore my priority as a therapist, is to be helpful. My client and I may not always see things exactly eye to eye, but we should feel like we are on the same team.</p><p><strong>Q: Abusive situations are different, but patterns often are involved. How would you define recovery from abuse?</strong></p><p>A: I define recovery from abuse as a gradual process in which, increasingly often, experiences and feelings of safety and well-being replace experiences and feelings of harm, danger, and negative interaction. Three very common themes in this kind of recovery are learning to trust again (others and one’s self), developing self-compassion, and gaining or reestablishing a sense of personal power.</p><p><strong>Q: What specific issues do you encounter when working with solo mothers who have survived abuse?</strong> </p><p>A: Solo Moms who have survived abuse are dealing with a tough situation on top of a tough situation. This is a subject that we’ll be revisiting a lot here. </p><p>For the short run, let me just say that abuse tends to be terribly isolating, and single <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/parenting" target="_blank" class="wordlink">parenting</a> can be, too. So when it comes to single mothers who are dealing with abuse concerns, the recommendation to get help and support goes double. With that said, I also want to acknowledge that reaching out for help, especially for the first time, can be really hard, and it’s really OK to look for help in whatever way makes sense for your circumstances.</p><hr><p><span style="font-size: 11px;">Photo credit: Shutterstock.com</span><br></p>
<p><strong><em>After leaving her abusive husband, a <a href="https://esme.com/voices/perspectives/whats-a-solo-mom" target="_blank" class="wordlink">Solo Mom</a> realizes that anything is possible </em></strong><br></p><p>I was born into a strong two-parent home, and I was taught to “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” and to be educated, employed, and self-sufficient. My voice and strength was taken away from me by my ex, the father of my children, who is an abuser and excellent con artist. I knew I had to get away from him and began my strategic plan of escape. I did not want my fear to imprison me anymore. Walking in that fear, scared that he might find us, I packed up the house while he was gone and moved to Marquette, Michigan. </p><p>It took me only one attempt to leave my abusive husband, but I did not do it alone. There were many “healthy” people in our lives who were not afraid to confront me regarding my husband’s abusive behaviors—they knew something was not right. I made a phone call to the Women’s Center in Marquette and started my safety planning. With the advocacy support services from the Women’s Center/Harbor House (WC/HH), I was able to live once again—not in fear of someone’s control and abuse. The WC/HH provided individual/group counseling, housing assistance, legal referrals and support, and ways to connect to the community. Without the support of the advocates and staff at the WC/HH, I would not be here today. I’m a much stronger, empowered, and educated woman. </p><p>Leaving the house behind, I packed up our belongings and started a new life. I wanted to move back to Ohio, where all my family lives, but according to Michigan law, if I were to leave the state with the children, I could have been arrested for kidnapping and abandonment. I made plans ahead of time, putting myself on the waiting list for low-income housing at Lake Superior Village Apartments of the Marquette Housing Commission, and I was accepted into Northern Michigan University’s Early Childhood program through the Department of Psychology. I was a college student and a part-time employee while raising my two children on my own. </p><p>The biggest challenge after leaving was financial stability. I didn’t have any credit cards or bank accounts. I did have some money that I hid until it was safe to leave. The most difficult thing I had to do was to humble myself and ask for help from many agencies, especially the welfare system, regarding food stamps and health insurance. The other challenge was finding child care, employment, doctors/dentists, etc., when I knew no one! Who was going to take care of my two young children while I was at work and school? How was I going to afford child care? Well, with lots of prayers and reaching out, I found a phenomenal young college student to watch and take care of my children. The Department of Human Services assisted with some of the financial expenses of day care—again, I had to ask, seek, and find. None of this could have happened without the help of others (the advocates at WC/HH, professors, our day-care provider, and family and friends). My fear, anger, and faith pushed me beyond anything I thought I could do all on my own.</p><p>Being a Solo Mom was a huge challenge, especially when I was attending classes Monday through Thursday and working every weekend. It was very challenging to balance all that and be a mom at the same time, taking care of the children’s needs (health care, activities, sports, etc.). The irony in all this is that it’s better for a single parent to raise her children when she’s living in a <em>healthy</em> environment—no one hurting us or pulling us down physically, financially, emotionally, or spiritually. No longer could he hurt us. </p><p>The children adjusted well, even though they were too young to understand the abandonment issues they felt at that time. However, between the ages of seven and nine, they started acting out and asking questions, and I knew it was time for them to see a counselor. For two years, they both saw the same family counselor (sometimes I was included as well), which was one of the best things I could have done for them. Later on, my son told me that he could not tell me certain things because he was afraid it would make me sad. Not having their father in their lives was painful at times, and it’s a loss that doesn’t go away easily. But with a good support system—including a counselor, advocates, a church family, and family and friends—anything is possible.</p><p>Eventually I was accepted into Ohio University’s graduate program and obtained a master’s in social work. Then my children and I moved back to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan to start a new life. In 2009, I became an employee/advocate of WC/HH, giving back to what’s been given to me.</p><p>Today, I can look back and say I have no regrets. What I lived through forced me to walk through my fears and become the person I am today: strong, empowered, knowledgeable, and with a sense of self-worth and dignity. Embracing the idea that anything is possible, I not only went to college but also obtained my master’s degree and even made the dean’s list—something I thought would never happen to me. I also never thought I’d be a survivor of domestic and sexual violence or a Solo Mom, or that I would have to get help from the welfare system—but it happened.</p><p>I do not know where I would be today without the help of the advocates from the WC/HH, family, friends, and faith. Who my children and I are today could not have been possible without others who care. Both my son and daughter know what domestic and sexual violence is, but they also know what healthy relationships look like. We strive to live in a home where there is peace, joy, and love—to have a future filled with goals and dreams that cause us to grow into healthier people.</p><hr><p><span style="font-size: 11px;">Image via Shutterstock.com </span></p>
