<p><em><strong></strong></em><em><strong>Norma Bastidas is an athlete, an activist, and a survivor</strong></em><em><strong></strong></em><em><strong></strong></em></p><p>Before 2006, Canadian <a href="https://esme.com/voices/perspectives/whats-a-solo-mom" target="_blank" class="wordlink">Solo Mom</a> and triathlete Norma Bastidas was unknown as an athlete—and she was not even a runner. She also didn’t know how to swim! She began running to cope with increased stress after her son’s diagnosis with Cone Rod Dystrophy, a progressive condition that causes blindness. Over the next several years, she went on to run seven of the world’s toughest marathons, raising money for blindness-related research and programs.</p><p>She started learning to swim in 2012 when her interest turned to triathlons. Incredibly, in May 2014, Bastidas broke the world record for the longest triathlon completed, more than doubling the distance of the previous record holder. Her mission that time: eradicating human trafficking and helping those affected by it. In partnership with <a href="http://berelentless.iempathize.org/">the organzation iEmpathize</a>, she planned her 3,700-mile triathlon route from Cancun, Mexico, to Washington, DC, to include known human-trafficking routes. Survivors of trafficking ran alongside her as she approached the finish line.</p><p>Her 2014 book, <em>Running Home: A Journey to End Violence</em> (CreateSpace, 2014), describes her experience as both a human-trafficking survivor and a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. In her book, she acknowledges that breaking her silence about abuse was more difficult than competing in even the most unforgiving terrains.</p><p><strong>Q: Can you describe how running became a way of dealing with your son Karl's recent diagnosis with Cone Rod Dystrophy?</strong> </p><p>A: As a survivor of sexual violence, I had experienced stressful situations before my son’s diagnosis. In the past, I had abused alcohol as a form of coping with stress because I felt the enormous responsibility of being the sole provider of my kids, not only financially but also emotionally. I needed to find a way to release the stress that had a positive impact. I found that in running. It allowed me to sweat out frustrations, but it also gave me a positive outlook, unlike substance abuse. </p><p><strong>Q: Your achievements have required time away from your kids. How has that been a challenge, logistically and emotionally?</strong></p><p>A: It was very challenging, both to find help and to feel emotionally strong enough to leave my kids. I never felt guilty, but I did experience a lot of negativity at the beginning. I was called a bad mother more than once. My family also took some time to getting used to the idea. I started small, with local races. I also traded childminding with other mothers. I would have their kids for the weekend, and in exchange, they would look after mine when I had a race. My mom started to come from Mexico to help me when she realized two things: it was not a phase, and it was making me happy. It took time for people understand, but it made me a better person because I took time for me. </p><p><strong>Q. In 2014, you broke the world record for longest triathlon, more than doubling the distance of the previous record holder. I understand that you did this in partnership with iEmpathize and that your world-record-breaking triathlon will be part of a documentary about human trafficking called <em>Be Relentless</em>, due for release in 2015. What do you want the ESME community to know about human trafficking and its effects?</strong></p><p>A. Human trafficking is more common than we imagine. It is present in all of our communities, from the workers at greenhouses to restaurant staff to the girls walking the streets. The terrible thing is it hides in plain sight.</p><p>Exploitation is the worst crime because it affects the most vulnerable: the runaways, the poor, the person battling mental health or <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/addiction" target="_blank" class="wordlink">addiction</a>.</p><p>It took me years to realize I had been a victim of human trafficking as a teenage model in Japan. I wanted to talk about it to empower other victims and to change the perception of who a victim of human trafficking is. </p><p><strong>Q. What would you say to the survivor who is keeping silent?</strong></p><p>A. It is not your fault; no matter the circumstances, it is never your fault. Abusers use shame to keep power on victims. Stand up tall and say, “I refuse to feel shame.” </p><p><strong>Q: Since being a Solo Mom can feel isolating and challenging, where have you found support and community?</strong> </p><p>A: This is probably the hardest part. I know I am heading in the right direction when I find more resistance. My intent is to be of service to humanity, so I just focus on that. I also form alliances with other females like myself, athletes or other survivors—they are the only ones that completely understand how hard it can be.</p><p>Most people only see the results when the medals are given. Before that, there is so much hardship, heartaches. Yet, you need to keep pushing forward.</p><hr><p><span style="font-size: 11px;">Photo Credit: Shutterstock.com</span></p>
<p><strong><em>Knowing the symptoms of PTSD helps abuse survivors get the right support</em></strong></p><p>The period following abuse is inevitably difficult for survivors. In addition to whatever physical recovery is needed, emotional upheaval is common, as are loss of trust and damage to one’s sense of safety and well-being. Despite this, as a therapist I am often surprised by abuse survivors’ resilience. Their ability to put their lives back together is astounding, especially when they have the right support through the process.</p><p>For some survivors, though, the abuse experience remains or later becomes almost unbearably intense and ever present in their day-to-day lives—it’s as if they are reliving it rather than gaining distance from it. New feelings, thinking patterns, and behaviors can take control of their lives, isolating them from others, changing their level of functioning in one or many areas. Many of these survivors are suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). PTSD is an anxiety disorder stemming from one or more traumatic experiences. In some instances, PTSD develops long after the abuse is over.</p><p>An estimated one in three sexual-assault survivors will develop PTSD during her life, and several studies have linked <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/domestic-violence" target="_blank" class="wordlink">domestic violence</a> and PTSD.</p><p>Could PTSD be complicating your road to recovery? Knowing the symptoms can help you understand what you’re going through, but always consult a professional when you need help, whether you think you may have PTSD or not. </p><p>The symptoms of PTSD fall into three general categories:<strong></strong></p><p><strong>1. Re-experiencing symptoms </strong>are those in which the abuse experience intrudes on the person intensely and regularly. They can take the form of nightmares, flashbacks in which the person feels he is reliving the abuse, and intrusive recollections of the abuse that forcefully interfere with the sufferer’s day-to-day life.<strong></strong></p><p><strong>2. Avoidance symptoms </strong>are those in which the sufferer has the compulsion to take persistent and sometimes extreme measures to avoid reminders of the abuse. Although it is normal for a survivor to feel she does not want to revisit the abuse experience, with PTSD, there is a sense of urgency about the avoidance that can interfere with everyday functioning. Avoidance symptoms can also include forgetting important aspects of the abuse experience, loss of interest in once-enjoyable interests and activities, and feeling alienated or detached from others.<strong></strong></p><p><strong>3. Arousal symptoms </strong>are those in which the person often feels “revved up” and is unable to rest, relax, or be at peace in a normal way. These can take the form of sleep disturbance, startling very easily, and irritability.</p><p>Since no two people or two abuse situations are exactly the same, abuse survivors’ experiences vary. There is no such thing as a “normal” response to being abused, and many survivors experience many of the problems listed above during the first weeks following abuse. However, if an abuse survivor is feeling overwhelmed long after the abuse is over or feels debilitated by her response to the abuse, she is not alone or strange—but it’s important to seek help. Learning more about PTSD, on your own or through a mental-health professional, can be empowering and helpful. PTSD is a treatable condition, and help and support are available.</p><p>The Anxiety and Depression Association of America is a good resource for further information about PTSD. It has an <a href="http://www.adaa.org/screening-posttraumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd">online screening tool for PTSD </a>that you can print out to discuss with a treatment professional.</p><hr><p><span style="font-size: 11px;"><br></span></p>
<p><strong><em>Know the facts, statistics, and warning signs</em></strong></p><p>Most of us are aware that <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/domestic-violence" target="_blank" class="wordlink">domestic violence</a> is a widespread, pressing issue. Teens suffer from violence at the hands of <a href="https://esme.com/single-moms/dating" target="_blank" class="wordlink">dating</a> partners—in even higher percentages than adults. Teens are especially susceptible to dating abuse because they’re experiencing love for the first time. For teens, relationships can be so new and overwhelming that it’s hard to know what behavior is OK and what's not. That is precisely why you, as a parent, can be a huge help. </p><p>Here’s what you need to know to keep your teen safe:</p><p><strong>What is dating abuse?</strong></p><p>Dating abuse is a pattern of physical, sexual, emotional, or verbal abuse, used to exert power and control over a dating partner. It’s important to note that abuse is not always physical. Emotional abuse—insults, humiliation, jealousy, and controlling behavior—can be just as dangerous and devastating. </p><p><strong>How common is dating abuse?</strong></p><ul><li>One in three teens in the U.S. has experienced abuse from a dating partner—either physical, sexual, emotional, or verbal.</li><li>43% of women who date in college say they’ve experienced violent or abusive dating behaviors.</li><li>Women ages 16 to 24 are victims of violence from a partner at a rate that’s nearly three times the national average.</li><li>Of youths who’ve experienced both violence and rape in dating relationships, half try to commit suicide.</li><li>Only one-third of teenagers who faced relationship violence told someone.</li></ul><p><strong>What warning signs can Solo Moms watch for?</strong></p><ul><li>Your child’s partner is extremely jealous or possessive.</li><li>You observe unexplained marks or bruises.</li><li>Your child’s partner texts or emails excessively.</li><li>Your child begins to dress differently.</li><li>You notice that your child is depressed or anxious.</li><li>Your child stops participating in extracurricular activities or other interests.</li><li>Your child stops spending time with other friends and family.</li><li>You notice that your child’s partner abuses other people.</li></ul><p><strong>What can you do to help?</strong></p><ul><li>If your child reaches out to you, take the concerns seriously. Be sure not to minimize the situation because they’re young, inexperienced, or in a new relationship. </li><li>Let them know you’re concerned for their safety. Offer to connect your child with a professional who can help and who’ll keep things confidential.</li><li>Be supportive and understanding and reserve judgment. Stress that you’re on their side and you don’t blame them. </li><li>If they decide to end the relationship, help them develop a safety plan, with the aid of support groups or professionals. This is one of the most dangerous times in an abusive relationship. </li><li>Remember that while you can provide support, it’s up to your child to make the choice to leave the relationship. Let them know that you respect their choices</li></ul><p><strong>How do you talk to your child about healthy relationships?</strong></p><ul><li>Keep lines of communication open. Abuse thrives in secrecy, so the most important step in keeping kids safe is to encourage open discussion. Ask questions and be sure to listen. Avoid interrupting, analyzing, lecturing, or accusing. Be nonjudgmental, and supportive so they feel comfortable being honest with you. </li><li>Keep it low-key. If your child is not ready to talk, try again another time.</li><li>Admit to not knowing the answer to a particular question. This response builds trust.</li><li>Emphasize that dating should be fun, and that violence is never OK.</li><li>Talk about what your child can do if they witness dating abuse or experience it themselves.</li><li>Remind your child they can always say no to anything they’re not comfortable with—and that they should respect this right in others. </li></ul><p>For tons more info, visit <a href="http://loveisrespect.org" target="_blank">Love Is Respect</a>.</p><hr><p><span style="font-size: 11px;">Image via Shutterstock.com</span> </p>
<p><strong><em>How one woman balances being a <a href="https://esme.com/voices/perspectives/whats-a-solo-mom" target="_blank" class="wordlink">Solo Mom</a>, survivor, prolific writer, and doctoral candidate</em></strong></p><p>When Kelly Sundberg writes about surviving and ultimately leaving an abusive marriage, she doesn’t sugarcoat things. In her outstanding essay, “It Will Look Like a Sunset,” published by <em>Guernica </em>magazine, as well as her blog, <a href="http://letterofapology.blogspot.com/" target="_blank"><em></em>Apology Not Accepted<em></em></a>, her level of honesty about the tough stuff makes her words resonate with readers, many of whom have written to Sundberg after reading her work to discuss their own situations.</p><p>Just thinking about the balancing act of Sundberg’s day-to-day life makes me feel a little extra tired. She is not only a single mom, survivor, and prolific writer, but also the managing editor of <em>Brevity </em>magazine and in the process of earning her doctorate.</p><p><strong>Q: Can you say a little about being selected as A Room of Her Own Courage Fellow?</strong> </p><p>A: The Courage Fellowship is a fellowship designed to assist a survivor of domestic or sexual violence in attending the annual A Room of Her Own Foundation’s retreat in Ghost Ranch, New Mexico. It’s a retreat solely for women, and there is an amazing and inspiring lineup of women writers who will be there. It’s also being held in the beautiful birthplace of Georgia O’Keeffe. As a single mother, I’m very excited to have some time dedicated solely to myself and my writing. I’m also thrilled to be collaborating with a host of amazing women and writers. A few years ago, when I was trapped in a violent marriage, I never conceived that, only a short time later, I would have opportunities like this.</p><p><strong>Q: Your writing repeatedly describes that women who want to leave abusive relationships are often criticized, invalidated, and questioned. What would you say to an abuse survivor who is dealing with a lot of criticism and blame?</strong></p><p>A: The criticism and blame is so insidious, and it furthers the pattern of abuse. Victims spend so much time questioning their own behaviors and thought patterns that, when they leave, and others question their behaviors and thought patterns, it ends up validating everything the abuser has told the victim. My advice for victims in that situation would be simply to go easy on yourself. Eliminate the words “could” and “should” from your vocabulary. Those words are full of blame and self-recrimination. And, as difficult as it is to come to terms with, not everyone is going to believe you, but that is not about you—that is about them. I would also say that time spent arguing with people who blame you or don’t believe you is time wasted and only validates the misperceptions they might have that were given to them by your abuser. Focus on the people who support and love you, rather than on your detractors.</p><p><strong>Q: As a Solo Mom, I can relate to some of the challenges you write about. In your experience, what are some of the specific challenges facing abuse survivors who are or anticipate becoming single mothers?</strong></p><p>A: The challenges facing single mothers who leave their abusers are vast. It’s already difficult to be a single mother, but having children with an abuser adds another layer of attachment. Generally, abusive fathers still get some measure of custody, so there will be forced interactions between the survivor and the abuser, and there may also be safety concerns for both mother and child. This is in addition to all of the logistical problems with trying to start a life over, both emotionally and financially. But it can be done. I’ve done it. Other women have done it. Seek out community resources, and don’t be afraid to ask for help from friends and family. It will be hard at first, but the rewards of leaving are endless.</p><p><strong>Q: What do you think are some specific ways that single mothers can support one another, in general and regarding <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/domestic-violence" target="_blank" class="wordlink">domestic violence</a> or sexual abuse?</strong></p><p>A: No one can truly understand the experience of a single mother like another single mother. In my own journey toward recovery from domestic violence, the most important component has been community. I have built vast networks of friends and family that I can turn to when I’m feeling lonely or angry or hopeless. This has kept me from going back to my abuser, and it has kept me from getting into another unhealthy relationship. I think solo <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/parenting" target="_blank" class="wordlink">parenting</a> is very similar. It can be a lonely and isolating experience. I only have one close friend who is also parenting alone. She understands the particular frustrations that come with solo parenting, and I’m so thankful for her! </p><p><br></p><p><a href="https://esme.com/showcase/writing/writing-qa-with-single-mom-and-author-kelly-sundberg">Read more about Kelly's writing process as a Solo Mom.</a></p><hr><p><span style="font-size: 12px;">Photo credit: Shutterstock.com</span><br></p>