<p><strong><em>Know the signs and what to do about it</em></strong></p><p>As a therapist, I talk to a lot of <a href="https://esme.com/voices/perspectives/whats-a-solo-mom" target="_blank" class="wordlink">Solo Mom</a> clients who are struggling with <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/addiction" target="_blank" class="wordlink">addiction</a>. Their substance-use stories are often very similar. They remember a time when, having difficulty with managing sadness or anxiety and other problems such as insomnia, they began to self-medicate with drinking or drugs. But somewhere along the line, their wish to alleviate or handle their problems using drugs and alcohol got out of control. </p><p>Self-medicating—using alcohol or drugs to “treat” a symptom or condition—is a widespread practice that can lead to a variety of other problems, including addiction. And it is of particular concern for Solo Moms, for a number of reasons. Do any of these sound like you?</p><ul><li>“I can handle it myself.” A busy Solo Mom is more likely to try to handle a problem on her own, as opposed to trying to add a doctor or therapist appointment into an already packed schedule.</li></ul><ul><li>“It’s not that big a deal—I have a lot of other, more important things to worry about.” A Solo Mom is often so focused on taking care of her children, so she doesn’t prioritize addressing her own health and well-being needs.</li></ul><ul><li>“I feel so alone sometimes—nobody understands how hard it is.” Being or feeling isolated are risk factors for substance abuse, and lack of concrete assistance and support can make drinking or drug use seem like the best, or even the only, solution.</li></ul><ul><li>“I do so much—I deserve to get a little relief.” Some Solo Moms don’t know how to soothe, comfort, or reward themselves well for the ongoing, tough work of solo <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/parenting" target="_blank" class="wordlink">parenting</a>, so they turn to drinking or drug use for this.</li></ul><ul><li>“It all falls on me.” Bearing the brunt of parenting responsibility not only increases the odds that a Solo Mom will feel overwhelmed at some point, it also raises the stakes of how drinking or drug use might affect their parenting. Many Solo Moms describe feeling ashamed of the urge to self-medicate or unhappy with the way they parent during or after self-medicating. And when the problem becomes full-blown addiction, Solo Moms often feel scared that they will be judged, that their parenting may suffer or be scrutinized—or even that they might lose the legal right to parent their children if they seek help.</li></ul><p><strong>How do I know if self-medicating has turned into addiction?</strong></p><p>If you are experiencing a loss of control over your substance use, such as drinking or using one or more drugs more often and in greater amounts than intended, or if you are making repeated, unsuccessful attempts to cut back or quit, that is an indication of addiction. Additionally, experiencing negative consequences directly related to substance use and choosing to continue using the substance anyway is another sign of addiction. </p><p><strong>Seeking help</strong></p><p>If you or someone you love is self-medicating and you are concerned about the impact or risks, it’s important to know that you don’t have to handle it alone. In fact, seeking help may be necessary in order to stop self-medicating. Increasing numbers of treatment programs, medical and therapy professionals, and nonprofit organizations are aware of the unique risk factors and needs of Solo Moms who have turned to self-medicating, and self-help organizations such as <a href="http://www.aa.org/" target="_blank">Alcoholics Anonymous</a> and <a href="https://www.na.org/" target="_blank">Narcotics Anonymous</a> can be an important, confidential, free source of information and support.</p><p>It is important to see your doctor about any symptoms that persist during or after self-medication attempts, as they might indicate an underlying medical condition which needs treatment. Intense sadness and anxiety, for instance, are often dismissed by the sufferer as mere feelings to be coped with, when in fact they can be medical symptoms stemming from a mood disorder or other illnesses that should be diagnosed and treated.</p><p>Taking care of yourself is one of the best ways to take care of your children. If your substance use is spinning out of control, help is available, and you are worth pursuing it.</p><hr><p><span style="font-size: 11px;">Image via Shutterstock.com</span></p>
<p><em><strong>Recovering from abuse, a discussion with Susan Lemere, ESME’s Guide for <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/addiction" target="_blank" class="wordlink">Addiction</a></strong></em></p><p>One of the great challenges of leaving an abusive relationship or surviving sexual assault is the feeling that one faces a lack of support. Because abuse is isolating and shaming, it contributes to feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy. Additionally, abusers frequently use external measures of power, such as controlling <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/work-and-finances" target="_blank" class="wordlink">finances</a> or time spent with friends and family, which can make it especially difficult for survivors to leave.</p><p>One of the most important steps in leaving an abusive relationship or healing from sexual assault is to seek out the help of a mental-health professional who has experience working in the fields of <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/domestic-violence" target="_blank" class="wordlink">domestic violence</a> and sexual assault. Not all mental-health professionals are created equal, and it is important for survivors to feel they are heard and understood.</p><p>My colleague, Susan Lemere, has worked in the mental-health and addiction field for the past 20 years, and she also has worked with several abuse survivors, so she understands the unique issues facing survivors. Lemere also has an MFA in Creative Writing from Pine Manor College, and as a <a href="https://esme.com/voices/perspectives/whats-a-solo-mom" target="_blank" class="wordlink">Solo Mom</a> to two children, she understands the difficulties and struggles that single mothers face.</p><p><strong>Q: Could you take a moment and describe how it feels when an abuse survivor comes to you for help?</strong></p><p>A: Well, in addition to being a therapist, I’m also a woman and a survivor, so when it comes right down to it, I have some of the same feelings my clients have during sessions. Often, it’s a mix: glad the person is asking for support, worried about their situation, angry about the prevalence and harmfulness of abusive behaviors, and hopeful that things can get better, especially now that the client is not trying to go it alone.</p><p><strong>Q: When you’re helping an abuse survivor, what are your priorities?</strong></p><p>A: That’s an interesting question. I think the No. 1 worry a lot of clients have about seeking help is this idea about conflicting agendas—the worry that someone will try to pressure them into a particular action or force a particular opinion on them. But a good therapist or counselor doesn’t approach the work that way.</p><p>Let’s say I have a new client who tells me she has been raped by a coworker. Knowing how devastating rape is, I will probably have the wish the rapist is arrested and convicted, and that these actions will hopefully deter him from ever doing it again. But the client may not want to go to the police for any number of reasons, including mixed feelings about the person who raped her (which happens often with acquaintance rape), concerns about the job, and fears about being retraumatized by the legal system. My job is to help the client sort out her thoughts and feelings, and decide what she wants to do. I can give her factual information, but I should not persuade her to take one course of action versus another because that’s acting as if she isn’t capable of thinking for herself or managing her own life. </p><p>To put it a different way, my job as a therapist, and therefore my priority as a therapist, is to be helpful. My client and I may not always see things exactly eye to eye, but we should feel like we are on the same team.</p><p><strong>Q: Abusive situations are different, but patterns often are involved. How would you define recovery from abuse?</strong></p><p>A: I define recovery from abuse as a gradual process in which, increasingly often, experiences and feelings of safety and well-being replace experiences and feelings of harm, danger, and negative interaction. Three very common themes in this kind of recovery are learning to trust again (others and one’s self), developing self-compassion, and gaining or reestablishing a sense of personal power.</p><p><strong>Q: What specific issues do you encounter when working with solo mothers who have survived abuse?</strong> </p><p>A: Solo Moms who have survived abuse are dealing with a tough situation on top of a tough situation. This is a subject that we’ll be revisiting a lot here. </p><p>For the short run, let me just say that abuse tends to be terribly isolating, and single <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/parenting" target="_blank" class="wordlink">parenting</a> can be, too. So when it comes to single mothers who are dealing with abuse concerns, the recommendation to get help and support goes double. With that said, I also want to acknowledge that reaching out for help, especially for the first time, can be really hard, and it’s really OK to look for help in whatever way makes sense for your circumstances.</p><hr><p><span style="font-size: 11px;">Photo credit: Shutterstock.com</span><br></p>