<p><em><strong>Ideas for finding the ideal donor daddy</strong></em></p><p>I began thinking about having a child on my own after a very serious relationship ended. I was 37, a critical time for my fertility. I considered every option. I talked to a friend about donating his <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/assisted-reproductive-technology" target="_blank" class="wordlink">sperm</a>, and I considered coparenting with an ex-boyfriend. In the end, I decided to go with an “open identity” donor whose sperm I purchased through a sperm bank. Open identity meant that my child could meet his or her biological father when he or she was 18, but not before.</p><p>I decided to go this route because I didn’t want a known donor who would be a sort-of father—someone who could swoop in and out on his own terms, or even my terms, but nonetheless not be 100% my child’s father. To me, fatherhood is defined by the emotional connection, physical affection, advisements, and daily consistency of a man in a child’s life whom that child calls Daddy. I don’t believe this relationship has to be biological, and if it is biological, then I don’t believe that a donor, even if he has a connection with the child, should automatically be able to claim parental rights. There needs to be strong evidence of deep commitment. </p><p>I very consciously chose not to use a known donor because of the potential legal ramifications but, more importantly, because of the emotional ones. I decided to conceive with a donor whom my child could meet someday to inevitably satisfy any curiosity about his or her genetic origins, but I didn’t want to confuse the child with a “minimally viable dad” (see <a href="https://medium.com/@rlehmannhaupt/minimally-viable-dad-98caf129216d" target="_blank">my article on Medium</a> about the Jason Patric case to understand what could go wrong if you’re not legally covered) whom the child couldn’t necessarily call Dad.</p><p>Of course there are many options that work for different people, but my advice would be to figure out the least legally complicated situation, and if you choose a known donor or to coparent with someone with whom you are not romantically involved, deeply research the laws and put everything in a contract using a lawyer or mediator.</p><p>With so many options for sperm donors these days, it can be confusing. You can choose from donors who have taken personality tests to celebrity look-alike donors. To make things simple, choose a donor with the traits you find attractive and would want in someone whom you are <a href="https://esme.com/single-moms/dating" target="_blank" class="wordlink">dating</a>. He is, after all, the “donor daddy” of your future kid. But also remember what author David Plotz wrote in his book <em>The Genius Factory: The Curious History of the Nobel Prize Sperm Bank </em>(Random House, 2005): “There is serendipity in DNA. A great donor can pass on a lousy set of genes. Women shop carefully for sperm in hopes of certainty. But there is no certainty in a baby.”</p><p>See our resource pages for a list of sperm banks and family lawyers who can help you navigate paternity laws and, if necessary, help you draw up a donor agreement.</p><hr><p><span style="font-size: 11px;">Photo Credit: Shutterstock.com</span><br></p>
<p><strong><em>Creative solutions to make your dreams a reality</em></strong></p><p>When I set out to get pregnant as <a href="https://esme.com/voices/perspectives/whats-a-solo-mom" target="_blank" class="wordlink">Solo Mom</a>, I quickly realized that my fertility treatments would not be covered by health insurance. I also realized I would need lots of doctor’s offices, vials of frozen <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/assisted-reproductive-technology" target="_blank" class="wordlink">sperm</a>, and shots of hormones and other drugs. And, in my case, it eventually involved using an egg donor. Initially I was put off by the exorbitant costs. But I did not give up. Instead I got creative!</p><p>So what can you do when coverage for fertility treatments runs out or does not exist? Don’t despair. There are a number of options to help you realize your dream. You just need to be flexible and tenacious. </p><p><strong>Get creative—do your homework</strong></p><p>First of all, take a look at the fine print of your health insurance policy. Sometimes physician fees are covered but technical procedures are not, or vice versa. Many times infertility testing is covered if it is related to an underlying medical condition. For example, you may be able to get coverage for a sonogram to assess your endometrial lining or time an insemination if your doctor codes the tests as treatment for an irregular menstrual cycle. </p><p>You may also be able to appeal a denial by your insurance company. To do so, you and your doctor will need to write a letter, explaining why the treatment is medically necessary and not experimental. </p><p>If you do have to pay out of pocket, you should be able to deduct these expenses on your tax return. Or you may be able to use pre-tax dollars to pay for treatment through a medical spending plan, thereby reducing your out-of-pocket costs. </p><p><strong>Financing and refund programs at IVF clinics </strong></p><p>Many fertility clinics offer various plans to help offset the cost of fertility treatments, such as special financing loans or share of cost programs that provide multiple cycles at a reduced rate. For a set payment, you receive a number of prepaid ART cycles (usually three). The cost is usually more than a one cycle but less than three cycles. So if you get pregnant on the first try, you’ve overpaid, but if it takes three tries, you come out ahead. It’s basically a roll of the dice. Some programs offer a refund of 70-100% of your prepaid fee if the treatment does not result in a <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/pregnancy" target="_blank" class="wordlink">pregnancy</a>. </p><p>In most cases, to qualify, IVF has to be medically indicated, and you may be required to transfer all embryos retrieved from the initial cycle before starting a new stimulation cycle. With all such programs, make sure you understand the fine print. Familiarize yourself with the programs at several different clinics, as they can vary greatly. </p><p><strong>Vacation IVF</strong></p><p>Finally, if you are more of an adventurous spirit, you may consider going abroad for fertility treatment. Many countries offer fertility services at a fraction of the cost in the U.S. I traveled to Mexico to use an egg donor for about a quarter of the price of a U.S.-based clinic. I had a lovely beach vacation and got pregnant on the first try.</p><p>Many who pursue fertility treatments abroad find that being in a foreign country, forced to take a break from their busy day to day life provides a helpful ingredient, relaxation, that boosts their chances of getting pregnant. The list of countries with IVF clinics is long, so it is possible to combine a vacation with a visit to many different countries. </p><p>Remember there are downsides to going abroad. The drastic reduction in price may mean that the success rates will not be commensurate with the premier clinics in the U.S. The clinics also differ culturally from the U.S, often having slower response times and offering fewer details and hand-holding. I, as a former attorney, was shocked at the simplicity of the contract for services provided to me. Many times, I had to tell myself to relax and trust the process because it did not comport with my U.S. sensibilities. (<a href="http://choicemamababyproject.com/blog-2/archives/11-2013.html" target="_blank">You can read a detailed account of my experiences here</a>.) </p><p>Many foreign clinics realize that most patients are using precious vacation days to pursue treatment. Thus, they minimize the number of days required to be abroad by having their patients complete much of the preparatory treatment in the U.S. In my case, I only needed to be in Mexico for about 7-10 days, though I stayed longer just to lay on the beach a few more days. My OB/GYN was willing to prescribe necessary medications and order initial tests. But if you do not have the support of a U.S.-based doctor, it can be tricky to obtain medications. You may need a prescription from the foreign doctor and to order the prescriptions by from a UK or Canadian pharmacy, which often has the added benefit of being cheaper than buying the drugs in the U.S. </p><p>Make sure you do your research and know what to expect. Find other women who have travelled to the same clinic and can vouch for the services. You can find discussions on chat rooms and get referrals from past patients. There are people who act as liaisons and can provide additional information about various clinics. They can also help make your experience more enjoyable and smooth by translating, recommending hotels, providing trusted taxi cab drivers, and more. </p><p>Not everyone is well suited to going abroad. So make sure to ask yourself some questions to decide whether you are a good candidate. Most importantly, do you like to travel? Do you feel safe in a foreign country? Do you generally trust people and enjoy different cultural experiences? Can you suspend your expectations of our health system and embrace another approach? </p><p><strong>Good practice</strong></p><p>The road to pregnancy can be challenging and very expensive when you don’t have insurance coverage. But with some determination and creativity, you may uncover some surprising solutions. And that will be good practice for solo motherhood!</p><hr><p><span style="font-size: 11px;">Image via Shutterstock.com</span></p>