<p><em><strong>Ideas for finding the ideal donor daddy</strong></em></p><p>I began thinking about having a child on my own after a very serious relationship ended. I was 37, a critical time for my fertility. I considered every option. I talked to a friend about donating his <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/assisted-reproductive-technology" target="_blank" class="wordlink">sperm</a>, and I considered coparenting with an ex-boyfriend. In the end, I decided to go with an “open identity” donor whose sperm I purchased through a sperm bank. Open identity meant that my child could meet his or her biological father when he or she was 18, but not before.</p><p>I decided to go this route because I didn’t want a known donor who would be a sort-of father—someone who could swoop in and out on his own terms, or even my terms, but nonetheless not be 100% my child’s father. To me, fatherhood is defined by the emotional connection, physical affection, advisements, and daily consistency of a man in a child’s life whom that child calls Daddy. I don’t believe this relationship has to be biological, and if it is biological, then I don’t believe that a donor, even if he has a connection with the child, should automatically be able to claim parental rights. There needs to be strong evidence of deep commitment. </p><p>I very consciously chose not to use a known donor because of the potential legal ramifications but, more importantly, because of the emotional ones. I decided to conceive with a donor whom my child could meet someday to inevitably satisfy any curiosity about his or her genetic origins, but I didn’t want to confuse the child with a “minimally viable dad” (see <a href="https://medium.com/@rlehmannhaupt/minimally-viable-dad-98caf129216d" target="_blank">my article on Medium</a> about the Jason Patric case to understand what could go wrong if you’re not legally covered) whom the child couldn’t necessarily call Dad.</p><p>Of course there are many options that work for different people, but my advice would be to figure out the least legally complicated situation, and if you choose a known donor or to coparent with someone with whom you are not romantically involved, deeply research the laws and put everything in a contract using a lawyer or mediator.</p><p>With so many options for sperm donors these days, it can be confusing. You can choose from donors who have taken personality tests to celebrity look-alike donors. To make things simple, choose a donor with the traits you find attractive and would want in someone whom you are <a href="https://esme.com/single-moms/dating" target="_blank" class="wordlink">dating</a>. He is, after all, the “donor daddy” of your future kid. But also remember what author David Plotz wrote in his book <em>The Genius Factory: The Curious History of the Nobel Prize Sperm Bank </em>(Random House, 2005): “There is serendipity in DNA. A great donor can pass on a lousy set of genes. Women shop carefully for sperm in hopes of certainty. But there is no certainty in a baby.”</p><p>See our resource pages for a list of sperm banks and family lawyers who can help you navigate paternity laws and, if necessary, help you draw up a donor agreement.</p><hr><p><span style="font-size: 11px;">Photo Credit: Shutterstock.com</span><br></p>
<p><strong><em>Rachel Lehmann-Haupt reviews </em>Finding Our Families<em> by Wendy Kramer and Naomi Cahn, J.D.</em></strong></p><p>A friend recently commented to me that choosing single motherhood with a donor or <a href="https://medium.com/@rlehmannhaupt/minimally-viable-dad-98caf129216d" target="_blank">minimally viable dad</a> today is the equivalent of “Starbucks coming to the East Village,” meaning it’s a formerly edgy neighborhood now turned mainstream and populated with a household name brand. Starting your family as a single mom by choice, or SMC—a term coined by New York psychoanalyst Jane Mattes in the 1980s to define a woman who consciously decides to conceive and raise a child on her own—is fast becoming just another kind of family. <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/debra-caruso/retirement-plan-the-disappearing-nuclear-family_b_2534622.html" target="_blank">After all, the traditional Father Knows Best nuclear family now represents only 20% of the nation</a>. New combinations that include two mothers, two fathers, loving step-parents, committed nonmarried couples, single dads, and financially stable SMCs have replaced the traditional nuclear family. The number of college-educated single moms who make up this group is small, but according to Lucie Schmidt, an economist at Williams College, the numbers are growing along with the larger national trend. In 2005, there were 47,402 first births to college-educated unmarried women. By 2010 (the most recent year for which the data are available), there were 59,955.</p><p>In this new world, I applaud Wendy Kramer, the cofounder of the <a href="https://www.donorsiblingregistry.com/" target="_blank">Donor Sibling Registry</a>, and Naomi Cahn, a family and reproductive law professor at George Washington University, for writing an informative guide for the growing number of families with children conceived by donors. The Donor Sibling Registry is an online community that matches donors and offspring so that siblings conceived by the same donor can find each other if they choose. Kramer and Cahn offer no-nonsense advice, strategies, and stories to help parents who are navigating their own and their children’s questions. The most vital takeaway from the book for anyone considering starting a family via this route is to be honest from the beginning. </p><p>Kramer and Cahn write: “Children thrive on honesty. Telling donor-conceived children about their conception as early as possible gives them critical information about their origins. And, even if they are uncomfortable saying so explicitly, some children who have not been told the truth may have a subtle, unshakable sense of difference within the family. As more donor families begin to tell their children about their donor conception early on in their child’s life, we’ve heard from them—thousands of people all around the world—testifying to the success of this open and honest method.”</p><p>The book offers a vital peace of mind from both a personal and legal perspective, and is a must-read for anyone with children conceived by a donor or who is considering the choice.</p><hr><p><br></p><p><span style="font-size: 11px;">Photo Credit: "Finding Our Families" Avery Dec 3, 2013</span></p>
