<p><strong></strong><em><strong>Why adopting through foster care is like riding a bike</strong></em></p><p><em></em>“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.” —Albert Einstein<em></em></p><p>Last night, my daughter and I ventured out to cross night biking off our summer bucket list. We headed to an old trestle train-track bridge that’s been turned into a bike path. The design of the bridge gives the illusion that you are riding into spiraling rails as you fly over the expanse of the river below. It’s worth the trip during the day, but in the evening, there’s the added drama of lights. Although I wasn’t in the mood this particular evening, I’ve learned in my crash course on <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/parenting" target="_blank" class="wordlink">parenting</a> a teen that the moments of connection and initiative coming from a teenager can be few and far between. So I rallied and got the bike carrier onto the car, and we were off.</p><p>Seizing opportunity is something that I understand now that I’m nine months into life with a teenager whom I will legally adopt in the near future. I’m not sure if I can pinpoint the moment when jumping into fostering as a path to <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/adoption" target="_blank" class="wordlink">adoption</a> as a <a href="https://esme.com/voices/perspectives/whats-a-solo-mom" target="_blank" class="wordlink">Solo Mom</a> became inevitable. Adoption has been in my heart for as long as I can remember. Finding myself well past 30 and without a partner, I discovered I was ready to pursue my own path toward motherhood and became a licensed foster parent. In many ways, I knew that I would be well suited to this calling. At other times, I wondered if I was crazy. </p><p>Initially, I did not realize that adoption from foster care was a possibility. I was drawn to explore foster care because the permanency of adoption was a bit scary. My biggest fear was that I wouldn’t be able to handle it and lacked the right support. I also knew that it might end up being a lonely path. I quickly learned that although the goal of foster care is reunification, thousands of children who are legally free for adoption are waiting, and many will age out of the system without a forever family to call their own. </p><p>However, foster care to adoption is not for the faint of heart. As I cycled behind my girl and reflected on our journey together, I distilled some analogies to biking that might be helpful. </p><p><strong>1. Get ready and be prepared. </strong></p><p>Just like going out on a bike ride involves a certain amount of risk, it is helpful to be prepared about the possible challenges and experiences you might find along the path. I read <em>a lot</em> before accepting a placement—enough to freak me out but also give me a realistic view. I also didn’t rush the process. It was more than a year between my licensing and finally accepting a placement. This was probably frustrating to the Department of Social Services<span style="background-color: rgb(255, 255, 0);"></span>, but as I have now watched many families accept and then disrupt a placement, I had no intention of becoming anything other than a last stop for a child in the system. Until I got the call about my daughter and heard the still small voice inside of me urging me to move forward, I continued to wait and prepare myself until I felt confident that I had the information and resources to meet the needs of the child being presented. </p><p><strong>2. Put on your safety gear.</strong></p><p>I’m a person of faith, and the older I’ve gotten, the more I realize the importance of beginning each day with some quiet time for meditation and prayer.</p><p>Parenting is hard work. Parenting kids from hard places is harder. The more you are aware of your own limitations and weaknesses (as well as strengths), the better you will be able to help your child and whatever behavior you are presented with.</p><p><strong>3. Eventually, you have to start moving. Take water and snacks. Change direction when necessary. </strong></p><p>Start moving. I found myself often going against my instinct to give my girl access to the snacks she wanted that were not always the ones I knew were good for her or the ones she needed. I quickly realized that food was a huge area of control for my girl, and I could either make it a battle or back off. The less I have made it a battle, the better choices she continues to make. She loves strawberry shakes, but for most of the summer, she has often passed on the shake and started opting for the smoothie.</p><p>That said, however, never feel guilty about stopping for ice cream. Eat lots of ice cream.</p><p><strong>4. Help will come when you need it. Use your phone if necessary.</strong></p><p>Once you are on the road, things can happen even if you are prepared. Help will come. The other night I discovered my girl had been riding around with her brakes not set properly. I looked at it and couldn’t figure it out and then a more experienced biker came along and was able to fix it and give us a few pointers. </p><p>Have a list of friends to call when you need to be lifted up. More than once, the right friend with the right words at the right moment has changed my perspective and reframed things for me when I really needed to reset.</p><p><strong>5. Take detours. </strong></p><p>You never know what you will find. Once my daughter decided that we should go off the paved path and follow a dirt path along the river. It was an adventure that ended with my road bike finally protesting and refusing to carry me any further through the woods, but we saw parts of the river we never would have seen on our regular course. Sometimes I’ve had to change course when the direction that we were on wasn’t working. Sometimes the path gets a little bumpy; however, with time and perseverance, we’ve come through stronger and more connected. </p><p>The path isn’t always smooth, but I keep moving, even if I have to change direction. I am learning to appreciate the small connections as they occur, and my love for this child who is not of my flesh is growing.</p><p>Finally, at the end of the day, ice cream always makes things better—especially after a long and hard bike ride. Carry on, Solo Moms. Enjoy the ride.</p><hr><p><span style="font-size: 11px;">Image via Shutterstock.com</span></p>
<p><em><strong>What adoptive Solo Moms need to know about attachment<br></strong></em></p><p><strong>Summary</strong></p><p><em>Experts say attachment issues are present in every foster and adopted child. This can create lifelong challenges. Attachment is a cycle of trust that has been disrupted for these children. Parents must take extra steps to establish healthy bonds with children who have been fostered or adopted.</em></p><p><br></p><p>Attachment, the bond between child and primary caregiver, is taken for granted in biological families. That’s in part because attachment starts neurochemically in the womb. The mother’s emotional state and how she cares for herself affect the baby’s brain development and, therefore, the baby’s ability to attach. </p><p><strong>Why is attachment important?</strong></p><p>Ideally, when babies are born, they are given to a caregiver who holds and feeds them, providing nurturing sounds, sights, touch, and scents. Over and over again, when the baby cries out in distress, the caregiver meets the child’s need, thus building this bond. This trust cycle lets the baby’s brain know he or she is safe in the world. It stimulates brain development and provides the foundation for this little person’s ability to regulate as he or she synchronizes his or her breathing and emotional state to the caregiver. This primary relationship between caregiver and child is the prototype for all future relationships.</p><p><strong>What we know about attachment</strong></p><p>The study of attachment started in the 1950s. As research progressed during the ’70s, ’80s, and particularly in the last decade, it has become clear that the quality of our attachment plays a huge role in our brain development. The damaging or breaking of that cycle of trust can cause neurological damage, resulting in behavior challenges, learning issues, and great difficulty functioning in the world. Not to mention, when attachment has been disrupted, as it has for every single foster and adopted child, we no longer view the world as a safe place. That distrust can affect every relationship in our life.</p><p>That bears repeating: Attachment, that cycle of trust, has been disrupted or damaged for <em>every single foster and adopted child</em>. In 2005, a diverse group of adoptive parents created the website <a href="http://www.A4everfamily.org" target="_blank">A4everfamily.org</a>. They wanted to share their stories in the hope of improving the lives of other adoptive families. Most had adopted babies under the age of seven months from different countries and situations. Their common thread was that they all wished they had been better educated about attachment before they adopted. They have all encountered difficulties.</p><p><strong>A personal story</strong></p><p>I, too, wish I had known more about attachment before I adopted my son. He’s now 11.5, and I got the call from the Division of Child and Family Services when he was just two days old. But I was leaving town in a few days to attend the wedding of my boyfriend’s brother. The social worker arranged for my son to go into foster care while I was gone. I did pick him up at the hospital and take him to the foster family, but I did not bring him home until he was 10 days old. When I think now about that lost bonding time, I am embarrassed that I thought a wedding was more important. When my son turned three and started to have huge tantrums, I began to learn about the impact of his horrific prenatal experience, the huge loss he’d suffered at birth, and how being in foster care for just six days damaged his sense of safety.</p><p>The good news is that damaged attachment can be repaired. When a child is placed with you, his or her emotional age is set back to zero. You get to start at the beginning, building that trust, by meeting your child’s needs as if the child was your new baby. If you are fostering or adopting an older child, this can be challenging, since the world expects them to behave at a maturity level commensurate with their age. It is even more challenging when a three-year-old child acts like an infant, and well-meaning family, pediatricians, and educators tell you that all the child needs is more discipline. They may suggest that you withdraw your affection through time-outs, by taking something away, or with a swift smack to the butt. But withdrawal of affection and punishments erode the safety of every parent-child relationship. They are particularly damaging when you are attempting to heal the anxiety and distrust that has become part of your child’s neurological makeup.</p><p><strong>What you can do</strong></p><p>The best answer is to practice responsive, empathetic <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/parenting" target="_blank" class="wordlink">parenting</a> (often called therapeutic parenting) by responding to the child’s distress with empathy. Make your connection more important than controlling the child’s behavior. For more information on empathetic parenting, visit <a href="http://www.handinhandparenting.org/who-we-are/our-approach/" target="_blank">Hand in Hand</a>, which helps families build a stronger parent-child connection through its <a href="http://www.handinhandparenting.org/getting-started-parenting-connection/" target="_blank">Parenting Connection approach</a>. Here are some additional resources:</p><ul> <li><a href="http://www.a4everfamily.org/index.php?option=com_content&amp;task=view&amp;id=57&amp;Itemid=78" in_tag="ul" kaspersky_status="skipped" checked_link="http://www.a4everfamily.org/index.php?option=com_content&amp;task=view&amp;id=57&amp;Itemid=78" target="_blank">A 4EverFamily—Tips: When Baby Arrives</a></li></ul><ul> <li><a href="http://labyrinth-institute.com/frequently-asked-questions-about-behavioral-health/faq-attachment/#PACE" in_tag="ul" kaspersky_status="skipped" checked_link="http://labyrinth-institute.com/frequently-asked-questions-about-behavioral-health/faq-attachment/#PACE" target="_blank">The Labrynth Institute</a></li></ul><p>In addition, practice <a href="http://www.handinhandparenting.org/2012/12/a-little-special-time-in-the-morning/" target="_blank">daily special time</a>. Give your child a small chunk (5, 10, 15 minutes) of your undivided attention. Set a timer, and follow his or her lead. The child gets to do anything he or she wants—within safety, financial, and time constraints—and you take the less powerful role. Let the child name what this special time is called so he or she can ask for it. This daily special time, even with very young children, will deepen your connection and reinforce that cycle of trust. </p><p>You also need to get support for your child. Disrupted and damaged attachment can and does impact the <a href="http://www.a4everfamily.org/index.php?option=com_content&amp;task=category&amp;sectionid=7&amp;id=18&amp;Itemid=76" target="_blank">developing brain</a>. Although you may have been told that your child will “grow out” of his or her challenging behaviors, if your Mama gut tells you differently, follow it. Here are more resources:</p><ul> <li><a href="http://www.neurologicalreorganization.org" in_tag="ul" kaspersky_status="skipped" checked_link="http://www.neurologicalreorganization.org/" target="_blank">Bette Lamont Neurological Reorganization</a></li><li><a href="http://www.eeginstitute.org" in_tag="ul" kaspersky_status="skipped" checked_link="http://www.eeginstitute.org/" target="_blank">EEG Info</a></li></ul><p>Finally, get support for yourself. Connect with other foster/adoptive parents on this journey, especially those who have information to share about the importance of repairing attachment. Here are some helpful resources:</p><ul> <li><a href="https://groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/NeuroConnections/info" in_tag="ul" kaspersky_status="skipped" checked_link="https://groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/NeuroConnections/info" target="_blank">Neuro Connections</a></li><li><a href="http://www.a4everfamily.org/index.php?option=com_frontpage&amp;Itemid=1" in_tag="ul" kaspersky_status="skipped" checked_link="http://www.a4everfamily.org/index.php?option=com_frontpage&amp;Itemid=1" target="_blank">A4EverFamily</a></li><li><a href="http://www.attachmenttraumanetwork.org/" in_tag="ul" kaspersky_status="skipped" checked_link="http://www.attachmenttraumanetwork.org/" target="_blank">Attachment &amp; Trauma Network</a></li><li><a href="http://www.pactadopt.org/resources/attachment-and-adoption.html" in_tag="ul" kaspersky_status="skipped" checked_link="http://www.pactadopt.org/resources/attachment-and-adoption.html" target="_blank">Pact: An Adoption Alliance</a></li></ul><p>We often need the most support in the area of our own healing. We may have to grieve that we are parenting a child with challenges. We may, as well, have to look at our own attachment issues. It has been said that fostering or adopting a child is a gift. It can be the gift of healing for our child and ourselves.</p><p><strong>Key takeaways</strong></p><ul> <li>Attachment issues exist in most, if not all, children who were fostered or adopted.</li><li>Children with attachment issues need extra support.</li><li>As the parent of a child with attachment issues, <em>you </em>need extra support as well.</li><li>You can form close bonds with a child with attachment issues, but it requires extra work.</li></ul><hr><p><span style="font-size: 10px;">Photo Credit Shutterstock.com</span><br></p>
