<p><strong><em>Know the facts, statistics, and warning signs</em></strong></p><p>Most of us are aware that <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/domestic-violence" target="_blank" class="wordlink">domestic violence</a> is a widespread, pressing issue. Teens suffer from violence at the hands of <a href="https://esme.com/single-moms/dating" target="_blank" class="wordlink">dating</a> partners—in even higher percentages than adults. Teens are especially susceptible to dating abuse because they’re experiencing love for the first time. For teens, relationships can be so new and overwhelming that it’s hard to know what behavior is OK and what's not. That is precisely why you, as a parent, can be a huge help. </p><p>Here’s what you need to know to keep your teen safe:</p><p><strong>What is dating abuse?</strong></p><p>Dating abuse is a pattern of physical, sexual, emotional, or verbal abuse, used to exert power and control over a dating partner. It’s important to note that abuse is not always physical. Emotional abuse—insults, humiliation, jealousy, and controlling behavior—can be just as dangerous and devastating. </p><p><strong>How common is dating abuse?</strong></p><ul><li>One in three teens in the U.S. has experienced abuse from a dating partner—either physical, sexual, emotional, or verbal.</li><li>43% of women who date in college say they’ve experienced violent or abusive dating behaviors.</li><li>Women ages 16 to 24 are victims of violence from a partner at a rate that’s nearly three times the national average.</li><li>Of youths who’ve experienced both violence and rape in dating relationships, half try to commit suicide.</li><li>Only one-third of teenagers who faced relationship violence told someone.</li></ul><p><strong>What warning signs can Solo Moms watch for?</strong></p><ul><li>Your child’s partner is extremely jealous or possessive.</li><li>You observe unexplained marks or bruises.</li><li>Your child’s partner texts or emails excessively.</li><li>Your child begins to dress differently.</li><li>You notice that your child is depressed or anxious.</li><li>Your child stops participating in extracurricular activities or other interests.</li><li>Your child stops spending time with other friends and family.</li><li>You notice that your child’s partner abuses other people.</li></ul><p><strong>What can you do to help?</strong></p><ul><li>If your child reaches out to you, take the concerns seriously. Be sure not to minimize the situation because they’re young, inexperienced, or in a new relationship. </li><li>Let them know you’re concerned for their safety. Offer to connect your child with a professional who can help and who’ll keep things confidential.</li><li>Be supportive and understanding and reserve judgment. Stress that you’re on their side and you don’t blame them. </li><li>If they decide to end the relationship, help them develop a safety plan, with the aid of support groups or professionals. This is one of the most dangerous times in an abusive relationship. </li><li>Remember that while you can provide support, it’s up to your child to make the choice to leave the relationship. Let them know that you respect their choices</li></ul><p><strong>How do you talk to your child about healthy relationships?</strong></p><ul><li>Keep lines of communication open. Abuse thrives in secrecy, so the most important step in keeping kids safe is to encourage open discussion. Ask questions and be sure to listen. Avoid interrupting, analyzing, lecturing, or accusing. Be nonjudgmental, and supportive so they feel comfortable being honest with you. </li><li>Keep it low-key. If your child is not ready to talk, try again another time.</li><li>Admit to not knowing the answer to a particular question. This response builds trust.</li><li>Emphasize that dating should be fun, and that violence is never OK.</li><li>Talk about what your child can do if they witness dating abuse or experience it themselves.</li><li>Remind your child they can always say no to anything they’re not comfortable with—and that they should respect this right in others. </li></ul><p>For tons more info, visit <a href="http://loveisrespect.org" target="_blank">Love Is Respect</a>.</p><hr><p><span style="font-size: 11px;">Image via Shutterstock.com</span> </p>
<p><strong><em>A <a href="https://esme.com/voices/perspectives/whats-a-solo-mom" target="_blank" class="wordlink">Solo Mom</a>’s experience with the Women’s Independence Scholarship Program</em></strong></p><p>When my <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/domestic-violence" target="_blank" class="wordlink">domestic violence</a> advocate suggested “The Sunshine Ladies Scholarship,” I pictured a bunch of old Southern biddies signing scholarship checks with shaky hands. She printed out the thick application. I had an 11-month-old, and we lived in transitional housing. School seemed a little off my radar.</p><p><a href="http://www.wispinc.org/Scholarship/tabid/56/Default.aspx" target="_blank">The Women’s Independence Scholarship Program</a>, or WISP, Inc., is set up specifically for survivors of domestic violence. But applicants must be a year out of their relationship and work closely with a domestic violence advocate as a sponsor. When I first looked through the packet, I couldn’t imagine not being with my abuser anymore. I still thought we could work things out. Maybe after he finished his anger management classes, or the domestic violence counseling, or when he finally saw what a good mother I was to his daughter. I couldn’t give up the hope that raising my daughter alone wasn’t my fate. I still didn’t think I could.</p><p>We lived in a studio apartment when I applied two years later. I worked full-time as a house cleaner and took classes online, staying up late at night to finish assignments. I paid for school with the Pell Grant, but after two semesters, I couldn’t keep it up anymore. I decided to take out loans and applied for the scholarship. </p><p>Their website states, “The primary intent is to help single mothers with young children who have the greatest financial challenges (child-care costs, etc.) to gain work skills so they can support their families. Our funds target women who are in desperate financial situations and absolutely must have both an <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/education" target="_blank" class="wordlink">education</a> and our funds to assist them.” When I told my ex about applying, he said, “Oh, you’re still playing the victim card, huh? Everything should come to you because you cried abuse. You’ll never get anywhere because you’re so stuck in the past.” But I applied anyway. </p><p>WISP doesn’t just accept your application and send you a check; they take you under their wing and make sure you’re staying on your path of gaining knowledge and independence. Their letters of acceptance are packed with sunshine confetti. They send you cards and emails of inspirational quotes. You must reapply every semester (with a much shorter application, thankfully), but that keeps you from wavering. When I sat down to write out those reapplication essay answers and reflected on the last 10 weeks, it felt incredible to have an organization that had my back and supported me. By the time I finished my bachelor’s degree, WISP had funded $12,000 of my living and emergency expenses. I used the money to purchase a computer, fix my car, pay rent, pay child care, move, pay bills, buy books, and sometimes pay tuition. They’d stuck with me and believed in me. I didn’t have a supportive family, and my abuser chastised me for going to school instead of working, but those Sunshine Ladies saw me through.</p><hr><p><span style="font-size: 11px;">Image via Shutterstock.com</span><br><br></p>
<p><em><strong>Recovering from abuse, a discussion with Susan Lemere, ESME’s Guide for <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/addiction" target="_blank" class="wordlink">Addiction</a></strong></em></p><p>One of the great challenges of leaving an abusive relationship or surviving sexual assault is the feeling that one faces a lack of support. Because abuse is isolating and shaming, it contributes to feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy. Additionally, abusers frequently use external measures of power, such as controlling <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/work-and-finances" target="_blank" class="wordlink">finances</a> or time spent with friends and family, which can make it especially difficult for survivors to leave.</p><p>One of the most important steps in leaving an abusive relationship or healing from sexual assault is to seek out the help of a mental-health professional who has experience working in the fields of <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/domestic-violence" target="_blank" class="wordlink">domestic violence</a> and sexual assault. Not all mental-health professionals are created equal, and it is important for survivors to feel they are heard and understood.</p><p>My colleague, Susan Lemere, has worked in the mental-health and addiction field for the past 20 years, and she also has worked with several abuse survivors, so she understands the unique issues facing survivors. Lemere also has an MFA in Creative Writing from Pine Manor College, and as a <a href="https://esme.com/voices/perspectives/whats-a-solo-mom" target="_blank" class="wordlink">Solo Mom</a> to two children, she understands the difficulties and struggles that single mothers face.</p><p><strong>Q: Could you take a moment and describe how it feels when an abuse survivor comes to you for help?</strong></p><p>A: Well, in addition to being a therapist, I’m also a woman and a survivor, so when it comes right down to it, I have some of the same feelings my clients have during sessions. Often, it’s a mix: glad the person is asking for support, worried about their situation, angry about the prevalence and harmfulness of abusive behaviors, and hopeful that things can get better, especially now that the client is not trying to go it alone.</p><p><strong>Q: When you’re helping an abuse survivor, what are your priorities?</strong></p><p>A: That’s an interesting question. I think the No. 1 worry a lot of clients have about seeking help is this idea about conflicting agendas—the worry that someone will try to pressure them into a particular action or force a particular opinion on them. But a good therapist or counselor doesn’t approach the work that way.</p><p>Let’s say I have a new client who tells me she has been raped by a coworker. Knowing how devastating rape is, I will probably have the wish the rapist is arrested and convicted, and that these actions will hopefully deter him from ever doing it again. But the client may not want to go to the police for any number of reasons, including mixed feelings about the person who raped her (which happens often with acquaintance rape), concerns about the job, and fears about being retraumatized by the legal system. My job is to help the client sort out her thoughts and feelings, and decide what she wants to do. I can give her factual information, but I should not persuade her to take one course of action versus another because that’s acting as if she isn’t capable of thinking for herself or managing her own life. </p><p>To put it a different way, my job as a therapist, and therefore my priority as a therapist, is to be helpful. My client and I may not always see things exactly eye to eye, but we should feel like we are on the same team.</p><p><strong>Q: Abusive situations are different, but patterns often are involved. How would you define recovery from abuse?</strong></p><p>A: I define recovery from abuse as a gradual process in which, increasingly often, experiences and feelings of safety and well-being replace experiences and feelings of harm, danger, and negative interaction. Three very common themes in this kind of recovery are learning to trust again (others and one’s self), developing self-compassion, and gaining or reestablishing a sense of personal power.</p><p><strong>Q: What specific issues do you encounter when working with solo mothers who have survived abuse?</strong> </p><p>A: Solo Moms who have survived abuse are dealing with a tough situation on top of a tough situation. This is a subject that we’ll be revisiting a lot here. </p><p>For the short run, let me just say that abuse tends to be terribly isolating, and single <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/parenting" target="_blank" class="wordlink">parenting</a> can be, too. So when it comes to single mothers who are dealing with abuse concerns, the recommendation to get help and support goes double. With that said, I also want to acknowledge that reaching out for help, especially for the first time, can be really hard, and it’s really OK to look for help in whatever way makes sense for your circumstances.</p><hr><p><span style="font-size: 11px;">Photo credit: Shutterstock.com</span><br></p>
