<p><em><strong>Recovering from abuse, a discussion with Susan Lemere, ESME’s Guide for <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/addiction" target="_blank" class="wordlink">Addiction</a></strong></em></p><p>One of the great challenges of leaving an abusive relationship or surviving sexual assault is the feeling that one faces a lack of support. Because abuse is isolating and shaming, it contributes to feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy. Additionally, abusers frequently use external measures of power, such as controlling <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/work-and-finances" target="_blank" class="wordlink">finances</a> or time spent with friends and family, which can make it especially difficult for survivors to leave.</p><p>One of the most important steps in leaving an abusive relationship or healing from sexual assault is to seek out the help of a mental-health professional who has experience working in the fields of <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/domestic-violence" target="_blank" class="wordlink">domestic violence</a> and sexual assault. Not all mental-health professionals are created equal, and it is important for survivors to feel they are heard and understood.</p><p>My colleague, Susan Lemere, has worked in the mental-health and addiction field for the past 20 years, and she also has worked with several abuse survivors, so she understands the unique issues facing survivors. Lemere also has an MFA in Creative Writing from Pine Manor College, and as a <a href="https://esme.com/voices/perspectives/whats-a-solo-mom" target="_blank" class="wordlink">Solo Mom</a> to two children, she understands the difficulties and struggles that single mothers face.</p><p><strong>Q: Could you take a moment and describe how it feels when an abuse survivor comes to you for help?</strong></p><p>A: Well, in addition to being a therapist, I’m also a woman and a survivor, so when it comes right down to it, I have some of the same feelings my clients have during sessions. Often, it’s a mix: glad the person is asking for support, worried about their situation, angry about the prevalence and harmfulness of abusive behaviors, and hopeful that things can get better, especially now that the client is not trying to go it alone.</p><p><strong>Q: When you’re helping an abuse survivor, what are your priorities?</strong></p><p>A: That’s an interesting question. I think the No. 1 worry a lot of clients have about seeking help is this idea about conflicting agendas—the worry that someone will try to pressure them into a particular action or force a particular opinion on them. But a good therapist or counselor doesn’t approach the work that way.</p><p>Let’s say I have a new client who tells me she has been raped by a coworker. Knowing how devastating rape is, I will probably have the wish the rapist is arrested and convicted, and that these actions will hopefully deter him from ever doing it again. But the client may not want to go to the police for any number of reasons, including mixed feelings about the person who raped her (which happens often with acquaintance rape), concerns about the job, and fears about being retraumatized by the legal system. My job is to help the client sort out her thoughts and feelings, and decide what she wants to do. I can give her factual information, but I should not persuade her to take one course of action versus another because that’s acting as if she isn’t capable of thinking for herself or managing her own life. </p><p>To put it a different way, my job as a therapist, and therefore my priority as a therapist, is to be helpful. My client and I may not always see things exactly eye to eye, but we should feel like we are on the same team.</p><p><strong>Q: Abusive situations are different, but patterns often are involved. How would you define recovery from abuse?</strong></p><p>A: I define recovery from abuse as a gradual process in which, increasingly often, experiences and feelings of safety and well-being replace experiences and feelings of harm, danger, and negative interaction. Three very common themes in this kind of recovery are learning to trust again (others and one’s self), developing self-compassion, and gaining or reestablishing a sense of personal power.</p><p><strong>Q: What specific issues do you encounter when working with solo mothers who have survived abuse?</strong> </p><p>A: Solo Moms who have survived abuse are dealing with a tough situation on top of a tough situation. This is a subject that we’ll be revisiting a lot here. </p><p>For the short run, let me just say that abuse tends to be terribly isolating, and single <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/parenting" target="_blank" class="wordlink">parenting</a> can be, too. So when it comes to single mothers who are dealing with abuse concerns, the recommendation to get help and support goes double. With that said, I also want to acknowledge that reaching out for help, especially for the first time, can be really hard, and it’s really OK to look for help in whatever way makes sense for your circumstances.</p><hr><p><span style="font-size: 11px;">Photo credit: Shutterstock.com</span><br></p>
<p><em><strong></strong></em><em><strong>Norma Bastidas is an athlete, an activist, and a survivor</strong></em><em><strong></strong></em><em><strong></strong></em></p><p>Before 2006, Canadian <a href="https://esme.com/voices/perspectives/whats-a-solo-mom" target="_blank" class="wordlink">Solo Mom</a> and triathlete Norma Bastidas was unknown as an athlete—and she was not even a runner. She also didn’t know how to swim! She began running to cope with increased stress after her son’s diagnosis with Cone Rod Dystrophy, a progressive condition that causes blindness. Over the next several years, she went on to run seven of the world’s toughest marathons, raising money for blindness-related research and programs.</p><p>She started learning to swim in 2012 when her interest turned to triathlons. Incredibly, in May 2014, Bastidas broke the world record for the longest triathlon completed, more than doubling the distance of the previous record holder. Her mission that time: eradicating human trafficking and helping those affected by it. In partnership with <a href="http://berelentless.iempathize.org/">the organzation iEmpathize</a>, she planned her 3,700-mile triathlon route from Cancun, Mexico, to Washington, DC, to include known human-trafficking routes. Survivors of trafficking ran alongside her as she approached the finish line.</p><p>Her 2014 book, <em>Running Home: A Journey to End Violence</em> (CreateSpace, 2014), describes her experience as both a human-trafficking survivor and a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. In her book, she acknowledges that breaking her silence about abuse was more difficult than competing in even the most unforgiving terrains.</p><p><strong>Q: Can you describe how running became a way of dealing with your son Karl's recent diagnosis with Cone Rod Dystrophy?</strong> </p><p>A: As a survivor of sexual violence, I had experienced stressful situations before my son’s diagnosis. In the past, I had abused alcohol as a form of coping with stress because I felt the enormous responsibility of being the sole provider of my kids, not only financially but also emotionally. I needed to find a way to release the stress that had a positive impact. I found that in running. It allowed me to sweat out frustrations, but it also gave me a positive outlook, unlike substance abuse. </p><p><strong>Q: Your achievements have required time away from your kids. How has that been a challenge, logistically and emotionally?</strong></p><p>A: It was very challenging, both to find help and to feel emotionally strong enough to leave my kids. I never felt guilty, but I did experience a lot of negativity at the beginning. I was called a bad mother more than once. My family also took some time to getting used to the idea. I started small, with local races. I also traded childminding with other mothers. I would have their kids for the weekend, and in exchange, they would look after mine when I had a race. My mom started to come from Mexico to help me when she realized two things: it was not a phase, and it was making me happy. It took time for people understand, but it made me a better person because I took time for me. </p><p><strong>Q. In 2014, you broke the world record for longest triathlon, more than doubling the distance of the previous record holder. I understand that you did this in partnership with iEmpathize and that your world-record-breaking triathlon will be part of a documentary about human trafficking called <em>Be Relentless</em>, due for release in 2015. What do you want the ESME community to know about human trafficking and its effects?</strong></p><p>A. Human trafficking is more common than we imagine. It is present in all of our communities, from the workers at greenhouses to restaurant staff to the girls walking the streets. The terrible thing is it hides in plain sight.</p><p>Exploitation is the worst crime because it affects the most vulnerable: the runaways, the poor, the person battling mental health or <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/addiction" target="_blank" class="wordlink">addiction</a>.</p><p>It took me years to realize I had been a victim of human trafficking as a teenage model in Japan. I wanted to talk about it to empower other victims and to change the perception of who a victim of human trafficking is. </p><p><strong>Q. What would you say to the survivor who is keeping silent?</strong></p><p>A. It is not your fault; no matter the circumstances, it is never your fault. Abusers use shame to keep power on victims. Stand up tall and say, “I refuse to feel shame.” </p><p><strong>Q: Since being a Solo Mom can feel isolating and challenging, where have you found support and community?</strong> </p><p>A: This is probably the hardest part. I know I am heading in the right direction when I find more resistance. My intent is to be of service to humanity, so I just focus on that. I also form alliances with other females like myself, athletes or other survivors—they are the only ones that completely understand how hard it can be.</p><p>Most people only see the results when the medals are given. Before that, there is so much hardship, heartaches. Yet, you need to keep pushing forward.</p><hr><p><span style="font-size: 11px;">Photo Credit: Shutterstock.com</span></p>