<p><strong><em>How one woman balances being a <a href="https://esme.com/voices/perspectives/whats-a-solo-mom" target="_blank" class="wordlink">Solo Mom</a>, survivor, prolific writer, and doctoral candidate</em></strong></p><p>When Kelly Sundberg writes about surviving and ultimately leaving an abusive marriage, she doesn’t sugarcoat things. In her outstanding essay, “It Will Look Like a Sunset,” published by <em>Guernica </em>magazine, as well as her blog, <a href="http://letterofapology.blogspot.com/" target="_blank"><em></em>Apology Not Accepted<em></em></a>, her level of honesty about the tough stuff makes her words resonate with readers, many of whom have written to Sundberg after reading her work to discuss their own situations.</p><p>Just thinking about the balancing act of Sundberg’s day-to-day life makes me feel a little extra tired. She is not only a single mom, survivor, and prolific writer, but also the managing editor of <em>Brevity </em>magazine and in the process of earning her doctorate.</p><p><strong>Q: Can you say a little about being selected as A Room of Her Own Courage Fellow?</strong> </p><p>A: The Courage Fellowship is a fellowship designed to assist a survivor of domestic or sexual violence in attending the annual A Room of Her Own Foundation’s retreat in Ghost Ranch, New Mexico. It’s a retreat solely for women, and there is an amazing and inspiring lineup of women writers who will be there. It’s also being held in the beautiful birthplace of Georgia O’Keeffe. As a single mother, I’m very excited to have some time dedicated solely to myself and my writing. I’m also thrilled to be collaborating with a host of amazing women and writers. A few years ago, when I was trapped in a violent marriage, I never conceived that, only a short time later, I would have opportunities like this.</p><p><strong>Q: Your writing repeatedly describes that women who want to leave abusive relationships are often criticized, invalidated, and questioned. What would you say to an abuse survivor who is dealing with a lot of criticism and blame?</strong></p><p>A: The criticism and blame is so insidious, and it furthers the pattern of abuse. Victims spend so much time questioning their own behaviors and thought patterns that, when they leave, and others question their behaviors and thought patterns, it ends up validating everything the abuser has told the victim. My advice for victims in that situation would be simply to go easy on yourself. Eliminate the words “could” and “should” from your vocabulary. Those words are full of blame and self-recrimination. And, as difficult as it is to come to terms with, not everyone is going to believe you, but that is not about you—that is about them. I would also say that time spent arguing with people who blame you or don’t believe you is time wasted and only validates the misperceptions they might have that were given to them by your abuser. Focus on the people who support and love you, rather than on your detractors.</p><p><strong>Q: As a Solo Mom, I can relate to some of the challenges you write about. In your experience, what are some of the specific challenges facing abuse survivors who are or anticipate becoming single mothers?</strong></p><p>A: The challenges facing single mothers who leave their abusers are vast. It’s already difficult to be a single mother, but having children with an abuser adds another layer of attachment. Generally, abusive fathers still get some measure of custody, so there will be forced interactions between the survivor and the abuser, and there may also be safety concerns for both mother and child. This is in addition to all of the logistical problems with trying to start a life over, both emotionally and financially. But it can be done. I’ve done it. Other women have done it. Seek out community resources, and don’t be afraid to ask for help from friends and family. It will be hard at first, but the rewards of leaving are endless.</p><p><strong>Q: What do you think are some specific ways that single mothers can support one another, in general and regarding <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/domestic-violence" target="_blank" class="wordlink">domestic violence</a> or sexual abuse?</strong></p><p>A: No one can truly understand the experience of a single mother like another single mother. In my own journey toward recovery from domestic violence, the most important component has been community. I have built vast networks of friends and family that I can turn to when I’m feeling lonely or angry or hopeless. This has kept me from going back to my abuser, and it has kept me from getting into another unhealthy relationship. I think solo <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/parenting" target="_blank" class="wordlink">parenting</a> is very similar. It can be a lonely and isolating experience. I only have one close friend who is also parenting alone. She understands the particular frustrations that come with solo parenting, and I’m so thankful for her! </p><p><br></p><p><a href="https://esme.com/showcase/writing/writing-qa-with-single-mom-and-author-kelly-sundberg">Read more about Kelly's writing process as a Solo Mom.</a></p><hr><p><span style="font-size: 12px;">Photo credit: Shutterstock.com</span><br></p>
<p><em><strong></strong></em><em><strong>Norma Bastidas is an athlete, an activist, and a survivor</strong></em><em><strong></strong></em><em><strong></strong></em></p><p>Before 2006, Canadian <a href="https://esme.com/voices/perspectives/whats-a-solo-mom" target="_blank" class="wordlink">Solo Mom</a> and triathlete Norma Bastidas was unknown as an athlete—and she was not even a runner. She also didn’t know how to swim! She began running to cope with increased stress after her son’s diagnosis with Cone Rod Dystrophy, a progressive condition that causes blindness. Over the next several years, she went on to run seven of the world’s toughest marathons, raising money for blindness-related research and programs.</p><p>She started learning to swim in 2012 when her interest turned to triathlons. Incredibly, in May 2014, Bastidas broke the world record for the longest triathlon completed, more than doubling the distance of the previous record holder. Her mission that time: eradicating human trafficking and helping those affected by it. In partnership with <a href="http://berelentless.iempathize.org/">the organzation iEmpathize</a>, she planned her 3,700-mile triathlon route from Cancun, Mexico, to Washington, DC, to include known human-trafficking routes. Survivors of trafficking ran alongside her as she approached the finish line.</p><p>Her 2014 book, <em>Running Home: A Journey to End Violence</em> (CreateSpace, 2014), describes her experience as both a human-trafficking survivor and a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. In her book, she acknowledges that breaking her silence about abuse was more difficult than competing in even the most unforgiving terrains.</p><p><strong>Q: Can you describe how running became a way of dealing with your son Karl's recent diagnosis with Cone Rod Dystrophy?</strong> </p><p>A: As a survivor of sexual violence, I had experienced stressful situations before my son’s diagnosis. In the past, I had abused alcohol as a form of coping with stress because I felt the enormous responsibility of being the sole provider of my kids, not only financially but also emotionally. I needed to find a way to release the stress that had a positive impact. I found that in running. It allowed me to sweat out frustrations, but it also gave me a positive outlook, unlike substance abuse. </p><p><strong>Q: Your achievements have required time away from your kids. How has that been a challenge, logistically and emotionally?</strong></p><p>A: It was very challenging, both to find help and to feel emotionally strong enough to leave my kids. I never felt guilty, but I did experience a lot of negativity at the beginning. I was called a bad mother more than once. My family also took some time to getting used to the idea. I started small, with local races. I also traded childminding with other mothers. I would have their kids for the weekend, and in exchange, they would look after mine when I had a race. My mom started to come from Mexico to help me when she realized two things: it was not a phase, and it was making me happy. It took time for people understand, but it made me a better person because I took time for me. </p><p><strong>Q. In 2014, you broke the world record for longest triathlon, more than doubling the distance of the previous record holder. I understand that you did this in partnership with iEmpathize and that your world-record-breaking triathlon will be part of a documentary about human trafficking called <em>Be Relentless</em>, due for release in 2015. What do you want the ESME community to know about human trafficking and its effects?</strong></p><p>A. Human trafficking is more common than we imagine. It is present in all of our communities, from the workers at greenhouses to restaurant staff to the girls walking the streets. The terrible thing is it hides in plain sight.</p><p>Exploitation is the worst crime because it affects the most vulnerable: the runaways, the poor, the person battling mental health or <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/addiction" target="_blank" class="wordlink">addiction</a>.</p><p>It took me years to realize I had been a victim of human trafficking as a teenage model in Japan. I wanted to talk about it to empower other victims and to change the perception of who a victim of human trafficking is. </p><p><strong>Q. What would you say to the survivor who is keeping silent?</strong></p><p>A. It is not your fault; no matter the circumstances, it is never your fault. Abusers use shame to keep power on victims. Stand up tall and say, “I refuse to feel shame.” </p><p><strong>Q: Since being a Solo Mom can feel isolating and challenging, where have you found support and community?</strong> </p><p>A: This is probably the hardest part. I know I am heading in the right direction when I find more resistance. My intent is to be of service to humanity, so I just focus on that. I also form alliances with other females like myself, athletes or other survivors—they are the only ones that completely understand how hard it can be.</p><p>Most people only see the results when the medals are given. Before that, there is so much hardship, heartaches. Yet, you need to keep pushing forward.</p><hr><p><span style="font-size: 11px;">Photo Credit: Shutterstock.com</span></p>