<p><em><strong>Recovering from abuse, a discussion with Susan Lemere, ESME’s Guide for <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/addiction" target="_blank" class="wordlink">Addiction</a></strong></em></p><p>One of the great challenges of leaving an abusive relationship or surviving sexual assault is the feeling that one faces a lack of support. Because abuse is isolating and shaming, it contributes to feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy. Additionally, abusers frequently use external measures of power, such as controlling <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/work-and-finances" target="_blank" class="wordlink">finances</a> or time spent with friends and family, which can make it especially difficult for survivors to leave.</p><p>One of the most important steps in leaving an abusive relationship or healing from sexual assault is to seek out the help of a mental-health professional who has experience working in the fields of <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/domestic-violence" target="_blank" class="wordlink">domestic violence</a> and sexual assault. Not all mental-health professionals are created equal, and it is important for survivors to feel they are heard and understood.</p><p>My colleague, Susan Lemere, has worked in the mental-health and addiction field for the past 20 years, and she also has worked with several abuse survivors, so she understands the unique issues facing survivors. Lemere also has an MFA in Creative Writing from Pine Manor College, and as a <a href="https://esme.com/voices/perspectives/whats-a-solo-mom" target="_blank" class="wordlink">Solo Mom</a> to two children, she understands the difficulties and struggles that single mothers face.</p><p><strong>Q: Could you take a moment and describe how it feels when an abuse survivor comes to you for help?</strong></p><p>A: Well, in addition to being a therapist, I’m also a woman and a survivor, so when it comes right down to it, I have some of the same feelings my clients have during sessions. Often, it’s a mix: glad the person is asking for support, worried about their situation, angry about the prevalence and harmfulness of abusive behaviors, and hopeful that things can get better, especially now that the client is not trying to go it alone.</p><p><strong>Q: When you’re helping an abuse survivor, what are your priorities?</strong></p><p>A: That’s an interesting question. I think the No. 1 worry a lot of clients have about seeking help is this idea about conflicting agendas—the worry that someone will try to pressure them into a particular action or force a particular opinion on them. But a good therapist or counselor doesn’t approach the work that way.</p><p>Let’s say I have a new client who tells me she has been raped by a coworker. Knowing how devastating rape is, I will probably have the wish the rapist is arrested and convicted, and that these actions will hopefully deter him from ever doing it again. But the client may not want to go to the police for any number of reasons, including mixed feelings about the person who raped her (which happens often with acquaintance rape), concerns about the job, and fears about being retraumatized by the legal system. My job is to help the client sort out her thoughts and feelings, and decide what she wants to do. I can give her factual information, but I should not persuade her to take one course of action versus another because that’s acting as if she isn’t capable of thinking for herself or managing her own life. </p><p>To put it a different way, my job as a therapist, and therefore my priority as a therapist, is to be helpful. My client and I may not always see things exactly eye to eye, but we should feel like we are on the same team.</p><p><strong>Q: Abusive situations are different, but patterns often are involved. How would you define recovery from abuse?</strong></p><p>A: I define recovery from abuse as a gradual process in which, increasingly often, experiences and feelings of safety and well-being replace experiences and feelings of harm, danger, and negative interaction. Three very common themes in this kind of recovery are learning to trust again (others and one’s self), developing self-compassion, and gaining or reestablishing a sense of personal power.</p><p><strong>Q: What specific issues do you encounter when working with solo mothers who have survived abuse?</strong> </p><p>A: Solo Moms who have survived abuse are dealing with a tough situation on top of a tough situation. This is a subject that we’ll be revisiting a lot here. </p><p>For the short run, let me just say that abuse tends to be terribly isolating, and single <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/parenting" target="_blank" class="wordlink">parenting</a> can be, too. So when it comes to single mothers who are dealing with abuse concerns, the recommendation to get help and support goes double. With that said, I also want to acknowledge that reaching out for help, especially for the first time, can be really hard, and it’s really OK to look for help in whatever way makes sense for your circumstances.</p><hr><p><span style="font-size: 11px;">Photo credit: Shutterstock.com</span><br></p>
<p><strong><em>Knowing the symptoms of PTSD helps abuse survivors get the right support</em></strong></p><p>The period following abuse is inevitably difficult for survivors. In addition to whatever physical recovery is needed, emotional upheaval is common, as are loss of trust and damage to one’s sense of safety and well-being. Despite this, as a therapist I am often surprised by abuse survivors’ resilience. Their ability to put their lives back together is astounding, especially when they have the right support through the process.</p><p>For some survivors, though, the abuse experience remains or later becomes almost unbearably intense and ever present in their day-to-day lives—it’s as if they are reliving it rather than gaining distance from it. New feelings, thinking patterns, and behaviors can take control of their lives, isolating them from others, changing their level of functioning in one or many areas. Many of these survivors are suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). PTSD is an anxiety disorder stemming from one or more traumatic experiences. In some instances, PTSD develops long after the abuse is over.</p><p>An estimated one in three sexual-assault survivors will develop PTSD during her life, and several studies have linked <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/domestic-violence" target="_blank" class="wordlink">domestic violence</a> and PTSD.</p><p>Could PTSD be complicating your road to recovery? Knowing the symptoms can help you understand what you’re going through, but always consult a professional when you need help, whether you think you may have PTSD or not. </p><p>The symptoms of PTSD fall into three general categories:<strong></strong></p><p><strong>1. Re-experiencing symptoms </strong>are those in which the abuse experience intrudes on the person intensely and regularly. They can take the form of nightmares, flashbacks in which the person feels he is reliving the abuse, and intrusive recollections of the abuse that forcefully interfere with the sufferer’s day-to-day life.<strong></strong></p><p><strong>2. Avoidance symptoms </strong>are those in which the sufferer has the compulsion to take persistent and sometimes extreme measures to avoid reminders of the abuse. Although it is normal for a survivor to feel she does not want to revisit the abuse experience, with PTSD, there is a sense of urgency about the avoidance that can interfere with everyday functioning. Avoidance symptoms can also include forgetting important aspects of the abuse experience, loss of interest in once-enjoyable interests and activities, and feeling alienated or detached from others.<strong></strong></p><p><strong>3. Arousal symptoms </strong>are those in which the person often feels “revved up” and is unable to rest, relax, or be at peace in a normal way. These can take the form of sleep disturbance, startling very easily, and irritability.</p><p>Since no two people or two abuse situations are exactly the same, abuse survivors’ experiences vary. There is no such thing as a “normal” response to being abused, and many survivors experience many of the problems listed above during the first weeks following abuse. However, if an abuse survivor is feeling overwhelmed long after the abuse is over or feels debilitated by her response to the abuse, she is not alone or strange—but it’s important to seek help. Learning more about PTSD, on your own or through a mental-health professional, can be empowering and helpful. PTSD is a treatable condition, and help and support are available.</p><p>The Anxiety and Depression Association of America is a good resource for further information about PTSD. It has an <a href="http://www.adaa.org/screening-posttraumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd">online screening tool for PTSD </a>that you can print out to discuss with a treatment professional.</p><hr><p><span style="font-size: 11px;"><br></span></p>