<p><em><strong></strong><strong>Suggestions for finding and participating in a <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/bereavement" target="_blank" class="wordlink">grief</a> support group</strong></em></p><p>It is often said that each journey begins with a single step. This is certainly true of a grief journey. If you are a <a href="https://esme.com/voices/perspectives/whats-a-solo-mom" target="_blank" class="wordlink">Solo Mom</a> seeking a grief support group, it’s important to consider your individual circumstances. Here are some suggestions: </p><p><strong>Ask for referrals from local social service providers</strong><strong>.</strong> Local social workers may be able to consider your individual circumstances and suggest the best grief groups for you. It is useful to contact local hospitals, hospice providers, and similar providers. </p><p><strong>Ask for help from friends and family.</strong> A support group often accommodates work schedules; therefore, the group may meet during evening or weekend hours. This may necessitate asking for help with child care. Watching your children while you are at a support group meeting is a very tangible way in which your friends and family (who are eager to help) can help. Make sure to have child care in place long enough so that you can bookend your group meeting with time for quiet reflection. You may find that you want some time both before and after a group meeting to collect yourself. </p><p><strong>Leave any judgment at home.</strong> Go to a group understanding that responses to grief are deeply personal—that there is, in fact, no “correct” response to grief. Suspend judgment as you practice supporting others at the same time that you are seeking support. </p><p><strong>Prepare yourself to listen.</strong> Practice the skill of active listening. Many who attend grief groups want to be heard. They are not always looking for advice as much as they want their own experience of grief to resonate in a room. For this reason, expect to listen more than you talk. You may learn to appreciate this as you feel comfortable sharing your own story of loss in this space with the expectation of solace. </p><p><strong>Expect to feel safe in this space.</strong> Everyone present in the group should treat your story with absolute respect. Those present should listen respectfully and give you time and space to express your feelings without judgment. The path of grief is erratic, and expressions of complex feelings—including things like anger—do belong in a safe space such as a support group. You should expect to feel safe expressing the full universe of complex emotions. </p><p><strong>Understand that people in the support group are at different points in their journey. </strong>Some may have suffered a very recent loss, and others may be coping with a loss that occurred further in the past. And their ages may vary. Again, it is critical not to judge the experience of another person who shares a wish to receive support in an individual journey. Resist the temptation to feel that an elderly person mourning the loss of a spouse and a long marriage has an easier road than you do. Although it is certainly understandable to feel cheated if your loss occurred decades sooner and you have young children to raise, remember that all who are there carry a terrible grief. Be gentle with others as you are gentle with yourself. </p><p><strong>Own your story</strong></p><p>In grief groups, we learn the power of narrative—the power of telling our stories. As we do this, we give ourselves a gift as we cultivate self-compassion. Our response to individual losses often presents as the culmination of the things that came before. Our response to grief often makes us return to a central existential question regarding our place in the world and our relative safety as we build and rebuild our lives. Leave the hierarchy of grief out of the question because nothing is gained in comparison. </p><p>The power in our stories of loss is beyond question. It is certainly hard as a Solo Mom to find the time to value your own story of loss; however, in so doing, you are setting an example for your children about self-care. </p><p>There is an unspoken fear that many people have about visiting their grief. Some fear that if they delve too deeply into their pain, they risk falling apart. For a woman <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/parenting" target="_blank" class="wordlink">parenting</a> alone, that is a powerful reason to “keep it together” at any cost. However, the cost is too high. Solo parents need support. You need to be understood by people who are also grieving and sharing their individual experiences. </p><p>Take the time to find a support group that feels like one you could fit in to. If you are uncomfortable in your first group, consider trying another one. You may find people who are willing to help you in fundamentally important ways. They may hear you. They may listen. They may make you feel like the <em>hero</em> you are and actually understand what this entails. They are not guessing at your grief. They are there with you in your corner. And their presence might enable you to receive the support you need to nurture both you and your children. </p><hr><p><em><span style="font-size: 11px;"></span></em><span style="font-size: 11px;">Image via Shutterstock.com</span><em><span style="font-size: 11px;"></span></em></p>
<em></em><em></em><em></em><em></em><p><strong><em>Lori Mullins Ennis navigates infertility, <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/bereavement" target="_blank" class="wordlink">grief</a>, and her husband’s deployment</em></strong></p><p><em>“The world breaks everyone and afterwards many are strong at the broken places,” Ernest Hemingway famously wrote. Traumatic events shape and define us. <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/begin-again/201406/following-loss" target="_blank">Child loss</a> is considered to be among the deepest and most lasting traumas and impacts adult mental health and relationships. </em></p><p><em>Lori Mullins Ennis is the owner and editor of </em><a href="http://stillstandingmag.com/" target="_blank">Still Standing</a><em>, an online magazine for families facing the loss of a child or coping with infertility. Says Ennis, “[T]he mission of </em>Still Standing<em> is to embrace life after infertility and loss . . . to stand even in light of devastation, and hopefully, one day, jump even, at the beauty that can be after tragic events. . . .” </em></p><p><em>When she is not writing, Ennis raises money for orphans. Above all, she raises her four-year-old son, Luke. She is also a <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/military" target="_blank" class="wordlink">military</a> wife, married to Lt. Col. John Ennis, USMC. </em></p><p><em>She came to the wisdom reflected in </em>Still Standing<em> as so many do: through unimaginable adversity. She and her husband experienced a decade-long battle with infertility. Efforts to adopt failed. Following numerous interventions, including in vitro fertilization (</em><em>IVF), they became pregnant with their son Matthew, who was born at term and lived one day, owing to a rare and undiagnosed complication that occurred during his birth. She was devastated and looked for ways to understand the grief she felt at the loss of her longed-for child. </em></p><p><em>Following another round of IVF, she gave birth to her second son, Luke. After Luke’s birth, she lost a set of twins, one child at seven weeks and the other at 14 weeks. </em></p><p><em>When Luke was two years old, Ennis<em>’</em>s husband was deployed to Afghanistan on a one-year tour of duty. Solo <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/parenting" target="_blank" class="wordlink">parenting</a> a two-year-old after loss presented unique challenges, to which Ennis quickly rose. </em></p><p><em>Ennis says, “I’ve been destroyed but rebuilt. There is, without doubt, room for devastation and sorrow, but joy and restoration of my heart has been given to me and I am so grateful. I still see flashbacks; I’ve been treated for PTSD [post-traumatic stress disorder] and probably still could be . . . in the end, my gratitude trumps everything.”</em></p><p><em>I had the opportunity to speak to Ennis about her journey. </em></p><p><strong>Q: What do you think civilians misunderstand about the life of a military <a href="https://esme.com/voices/perspectives/whats-a-solo-mom" target="_blank" class="wordlink">Solo Mom</a>? </strong></p><p>A: I think that people don’t always see it as single parenting—it is not exactly the same thing, but there <em>are</em> parallels. You may <em>have</em> a spouse, but if he is deployed, he is thousands of miles away, and when you and your kid are both sick at 4:00 a.m., this fact does not address the situation in a practical way. It still takes a village. Sometimes people think that families “sign up” for it and that should make it somehow easier. But the fact is that no one ever really knows what it means to sign up for something until they are in it. And a whole village of people in a similar situation can be kind of hard to harness. People understand that the military community is embracing <em>because it is</em>—there are many kind and wonderful and generous people—but you are still alone at 4:00 a.m. with your sick kid and the bills to pay. </p><p><strong>Q: On a daily basis, what sorts of things do military moms face as they run a household? </strong></p><p>A: A lot of people believe that military spouses and their kids have [the] resources that they need when, in fact, they often don’t. Or these resources can be hard to access, especially if the primary beneficiary is deployed. Lawmakers like to sound like they are in touch with military families, and I <em>do believe</em> that many of them do their best. But at the end of the day, all the bounce house family days don’t make up for a deployed spouse who is effectively unavailable for daily help at home. That’s what they are—command-sponsored “family” days—and yet an integral part of the family is missing. It is nice for the kids and the Solo Mom, no doubt, but yeah: <em>[it’s] still not like having dad at home. </em></p><p>There are programs that people can qualify for, but they often have particular requirements. Child care is a huge issue for military families. For example, people may qualify for help if a parent is deployed, but only if the other parent is working full time. It depends on the branch of the military, but some branches are all or nothing. Sometimes moms need a break even when they are <em>not</em> working outside the home. There are programs for the Exceptional Family—for families where a child has <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/special-needs" target="_blank" class="wordlink">special needs</a>—but accessing these services can be hard; and even if services are approved, it does not always cover all the needs associated with multiple medical and therapeutic appointments. So people say that military takes care of military, and, yes, this is true; <em>b</em><em>ut</em> <em>accessing services in any bureaucratic government structure is hard</em>, especially when you are parenting alone and needing to do everything from laundry to specialized medical services. It can beat you down. </p><p><strong>Q: So, speaking of specialized medical services, how did you and John cope with Matthew’s death? </strong></p><p>A: The military was really wonderful after Matthew died. They delayed a scheduled move; they encouraged us to seek counseling as a couple. We went to counseling for a while, and it was really helpful. I remain so grateful for all that support. </p><p>We wanted to get pregnant again, and we did. I was pregnant, and then Luke was born and he was healthy. He was such a blessing. Afterwards, I lost a set of twins. I would just say that navigating infertility and child loss and grief in <em>any</em> setting is hard. This is no less true in the military. After the twins, I was told that further infertility treatments would be dangerous to my health. While there are counseling services available in the military, there can sometimes be a culture of resistance about asking for therapeutic help, and this complicates things. </p><p>Grief in the military is such a part of the experience but so, too, is the need to attend to daily tasks and function on a practical level. You pay the bills, get the kids to school, you take care of them. </p><p><strong><strong>Q</strong>: What resources were available to you as a mom who’d experienced a loss? </strong></p><p>A: Nothing that was really specialized to the military beyond couples counseling. We did attend our local <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/pregnancy" target="_blank" class="wordlink">pregnancy</a>/infant-loss group sponsored by our local hospice. That group and those women were pivotal to our healing—feeling supported, and feeling “normal” and <em>loved</em>. </p><p>At the time of Matthew’s death, there were some groups . . . <a href="http://www.compassionatefriends.org/home.aspx" target="_blank">The Compassionate Friends</a> and some others. But I was not sure where I fit. That is some of the reason [why] I started working with <em>Still Standing</em>. Sometimes getting help is made harder by a lack of child care. If you have limited time and resources, getting out of the house for self-care is hard. </p><p><strong><strong>Q</strong>: When Luke was two, John was deployed to Afghanistan. What was that like? In the course of a few years, there had been infertility and pregnancy, baby loss, and more infertility treatments, and then your pregnancy with Luke and his miraculous birth, followed by the loss of twins. There were also failed adoptions along the way. How did you cope with all of this? </strong></p><p>A: Yes. Well, I became aware of the fact that I had to limit myself in certain ways to control my PTSD. It is weird—before Matthew died, I did not worry that much about John. I just trusted somehow that he would be OK. I don’t really know <em>why</em>—I mean, he <em>is</em> a test pilot, and sometimes the things they test don’t work. After Matthew died, I knew the worst was possible. When Luke was two and John was deployed, and we had been advised to stop further fertility treatments, I sensed I had to protect myself. I could not watch the news and imagine John in Afghanistan. There was [a] potent mix of fear I felt I had to beat back: as a military spouse with a deployed husband, I worried for him, and as a loss mom of a living child, I had traumatic grief and worry issues. </p><p><strong><strong>Q</strong>: So what did you do? </strong></p><p>A: Oh. Well, I tell you, my word for the year that John was gone was <em>opportunity</em>. All the things that were difficult remained so. But I had a year that was only us—[a] year for Luke and [me]. Matthew’s death taught me to take nothing for granted. After all that had happened, I knew I had to see it and to treat it as <em>the gift that it was—in spite of everything or, maybe even more so, because of everything</em>. We traveled all up and down the mid-Atlantic and the Southeast. We just did things we’d never maybe have the chance to do again together—without the worry of a work schedule or a school schedule. It was beautiful. </p><br>Lori Mullins Ennis invites those who would like to read about others who have experienced infertility, baby loss, or child loss to visit <a href="http://stillstandingmag.com/" target="_blank"><em>Still Standing </em>magazine</a>.<hr>
<p><strong><em>What you should know about <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/bereavement" target="_blank" class="wordlink">grief</a> counseling and health insurance</em></strong></p><p>Grief, while a normal part of the life cycle, can feel anything but ordinary. The reason we grieve is to emotionally release the attachment that we felt to another being and to begin the job of figuring out life without that person in it. The path of a person’s grief varies, and eventually time becomes the ultimate healer for many people.</p><p><strong>Why might a person need to go to therapy if grief is normal?</strong></p><p>For some, the strong emotions that go along with grief can be overwhelming and can cause a person to become stuck in the grief. Another possibility is that the event that caused the grief was sudden and traumatic, which can lead to feelings of uncertainty about things that once felt certain. Additionally, if a person has never experienced deep loss, grief is a new experience where guidance might be necessary. </p><p><strong>Does my insurance have to cover mental health services?</strong></p><p>For any company that needs to comply with the <a target="_blank" href="http://www.hhs.gov/healthcare/rights/law/index.html">Affordable Care Act</a> (companies with 50 or more employees must comply), if it provides mental health coverage, it has to be on par with its physical health coverage, according to<a href="http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/parity-guide.aspx" target="_blank"> the federal parity law</a>. However, as always, there are some loopholes. A company can choose not to cover mental health as part of its insurance package. Talking to a human resources representative might clarify what’s covered. Most state and federal programs cover mental health. Individual plans are allowed to exclude particular mental or physical health diagnoses, so check your specific plan. </p><p><strong>Will insurance cover mental health treatment for grief? </strong></p><p>To cover the cost, most commercial and state insurance plans need two pieces of information to justify any health-care-related service, including mental health services: a Current Procedural Terminology (CPT) code and a diagnosis code. Although <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/assisted-reproductive-technology" target="_blank" class="wordlink">bereavement</a> is normal, it does not meet diagnostic criteria as a disease. However, there are accurate justifying diagnosis codes that will allow the treatment to be covered. </p><p><strong>How do I know if services are covered?</strong></p><p>Start by finding out if the counseling provider you’re interested in is in or out of your insurance network. If the provider is in-network, services will be covered based on your contract with your insurance provider for mental health. For out-of-network providers, you need to pay for services up front; then, if your insurance provides out-of-network benefits, you can submit for reimbursement.</p><p><strong>How much is covered for an out-of-network provider?</strong></p><p>Call your insurance provider first and ask about mental health coverage for an out-of-network therapist. Be prepared to get incomplete answers or the runaround. Some therapists have scripts you can use to ensure that you get the most comprehensive answers from your insurance provider prior to setting up an appointment. If services are covered, it is typically a percentage. But before settling for an 80% reimbursement promise, ask about your deductible and what your insurance provider’s “usual and customary rate” is for an in-network provider. Often the reimbursement rate differs vastly from the rate your clinician might set. An example: Your plan will reimburse you 80% once you meet the deductible, and your clinician charges $100 per session. However, the in-network rate (or usual and customary rate) for that CPT code is $50. In this scenario, you can assume that you will get 80% of $50 back (or $40), even though you paid $100 for the session.</p><hr><p><span style="font-size: 11px;">Image via Shutterstock.com</span></p>