<p><em><strong>How it feels to see your child with intellectual disability succeed</strong></em></p><p>She came home smiling. “Guess what happened in the L.A. final today?” she asked. “I took the final by myself,” she announced, before I even had a chance to guess.</p><p>“There wasn’t a [paraprofessional], but I told Ms. H I could do it without one. I told her I was ready and could do it on my own.” </p><p>My heart was pounding, but I stayed cool. “That’s awesome,” I said. She was still smiling. “I told Ms. H, ‘I got this.’” Apparently, she did.</p><p>It was her moment: one of growing confidence, of developing context, of learning through literature. The ninth-grade language arts final was on Shakespeare’s <em>Romeo and Juliet</em>. We had spent several hours reviewing the nonmodified study guide. It had straightforward questions about who was who, and it also asked students to make inferences and to share their opinions and thoughts about complex concepts such as motivation, responsibility, and jealousy. </p><p>My daughter is 15 and a freshman at our neighborhood high school. This is the first time she has taken a final that was not modified. And the first time that I understood why that was exactly the best choice, even though it was not planned. </p><p>My girl said her first word at three years old. She learned the letters in her name when she was five. At 10, she could read at a first-grade level. She reads at a beginning sixth-grade level now. Every year of her schooling, her work is modified to her level. It seemed to make sense, but now I am not so sure.</p><p>Several factors played into this wonderful success. I can’t really say which is most important; it’s the cumulative effect that made this test doable.</p><ol> <li><strong>Teacher time.</strong> It took us most of the year to figure this out, but once we did, it catapulted her comprehension and engagement. Most weeks, my girl went to see the teacher during the teacher’s office hours, and they discussed what my girl understood and what she needed to work on. The teacher, not the paraprofessional, or para, spent time instructing her.</li><li><strong>Context.</strong> My girl was ready to engage in a story about teenagers in love. She was interested in romance and boyfriends and relationships. She had the comprehension skills necessary to follow the story and to make some inferences to present-day teen issues. She was comfortable sharing her thoughts and opinions in classroom discussions.</li><li><strong>Appropriate materials.</strong> Ms. H also made sure all her students had access to the materials they needed to understand <em>Romeo and Juliet</em> as literature and as a story and history. She suggested we get a No Fear Shakespeare version of the book and watch movie versions, and she used the school website to post study guides and supplemental materials. In short, she was an excellent teacher!</li><li><strong>Confidence.</strong> My girl had a good working relationship with the teacher, an understanding of the material, and a sense of herself, which led to the confidence she needed to easily take on the final exam. She also took the regular physical <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/education" target="_blank" class="wordlink">education</a> final without support. Both the science and U.S. Government finals were also not modified, though she did have a para read her the questions and guide a bit too.</li><li><strong>Desire</strong>. My girl wants to be able to do what her peers can do. She used to hate her brain for not learning as well as others, but she has moved into an acceptance of who she is and how she learns. She could be taught in segregated special-education classrooms, but she wants to be in the same classes as her friends. She does take a special-education math class, as her math skills are at about a third-grade level. She is fine with that because math is very challenging for her and algebra is too big a stretch. My girl has told the paras to help only when she asks, as she wants to try to do what every other student is expected to do. </li></ol><p>My girl knows she has disabilities. She uses the term “learning disabilities,” which is functionally true, though it is because she has an intellectual disability and significant speech delays. My girl also knows she is funny, kind, thoughtful, and a good friend. She has passions and goals. She will be on the swim team next year and has joined two clubs. And she wants to go to a school dance. I have a feeling I will be sharing that story soon.</p><hr><p><span style="font-size: 11px;">Photo Credit: Shutterstock.com</span><br></p>
<p><strong><em>Reducing the guilt and stress of <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/parenting" target="_blank" class="wordlink">parenting</a> siblings with and without <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/special-needs" target="_blank" class="wordlink">special needs</a></em></strong></p><p>At a glance:</p><ul><li>We parent each kid differently, including those with special needs and those without.</li><li>You will not be able to do everything for everyone.</li><li>Stress and guilt are the shadows of love and commitment.</li></ul><p>When you child gets a diagnosis, there is relief and <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/bereavement" target="_blank" class="wordlink">grief</a>—and then you spring into action. We have something to do, and so we do it; we set up appointments with doctors, speech therapists, and music therapists. Then there are the tutors, special camps, and horse therapy. Instead of playing on the playground after school, we rush everyone into the car so we can get to the next appointment.</p><p>The child with special needs gets his needs met; but what about his younger sister?</p><p>We are barely able to do all that the therapists want us to do and we have to also fit in soccer practice, homework, and dinner. We want to give our kids everything they need to be successful, but balancing siblings with and without special needs is tough.</p><p>As Solo Moms we are used to stress and guilt, but adding a child with disabilities multiplies the demands and the guilt.</p><p>Raise your hand if any of these emotions are true for you:</p><ul><li>I spend more time with my child with needs than my typical child.</li><li>My other child is always having to come along to therapists.</li><li>I don’t do what the therapists tell me to do, and I feel badly about it.</li><li>My typical child spends more time in waiting rooms than their own room.</li></ul><p>You have good company. All the other Solo Moms have raised their hands too.</p><p>Now let’s look at those emotions.</p><p>People who don’t care don’t feel guilty, so the fact that you do means you love your children.</p><p>It means you want to do all you can to help them be happy and capable people. It’s how the guilt affects you and your ability to mother that’s important. Guilt can propel us into action, but if we allow too much of it, we become paralyzed and unhappy.</p><p><strong>TIP</strong>: Keep a log of what you do for at least a week. Include everything—making special meals, setting up and keeping appointments, and how much time you spend helping with homework. You are getting a baseline so you can see what you want to change or keep.</p><p>Parenting kids with and without special needs does mean you will do more. It’s the reality. But you get to decide how much and how often, and you can review the benefits and cost of your decisions. You can’t and you won’t get everything done. You can’t and you won’t do all the therapies, special diets, and tutoring that you think you should. And that is OK.</p><p><strong>TIP</strong>: After you have a complete log of how you spend your time, look at you want to change it. Aim for a decrease or increase of 5%. Big changes are hard, but 5% is very doable.</p><p>Your daughter may not complain about going to another appointment for her brother. She may seem to understand that he needs extra help. She may also complain about sitting in waiting rooms or in her bedroom while her brother has a meltdown. She may complain that you don’t spend time with her.</p><p><strong>TIP</strong>: Talk to the typical sibling regularly. Ask her what would make waiting easier. Could you read a book to her or ask her to play her favorite music for you? Give specific praise for her efforts (not for being sweet or nice or easy) so she knows that you see her and understand. And talk about how to be with her brother. Does she understand his disability and how to be with him?</p><p>You have probably already thought of special things to do with your typical child. Consider small ways that you can be with her and give her your attention for a minute or two. Special things are meant to be seldom. Daily connections build a bond.</p><p>The child with special needs also needs time with you that is not about fixing him but just being together. Again, small, daily ways are easier (can you do 5% more?) and make each day a little smoother. He also needs to hear what he does well.</p><p>And so do you! Find other moms to talk to about your life and listen for ways they handle things. Doing our best may be more than we can do at any given moment, but doing what is in front of us is good enough.</p><hr><p><span style="font-size: 11px;">Image via Shutterstock.com</span></p>
