<p><strong><em>Reducing the guilt and stress of <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/parenting" target="_blank" class="wordlink">parenting</a> siblings with and without <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/special-needs" target="_blank" class="wordlink">special needs</a></em></strong></p><p>At a glance:</p><ul><li>We parent each kid differently, including those with special needs and those without.</li><li>You will not be able to do everything for everyone.</li><li>Stress and guilt are the shadows of love and commitment.</li></ul><p>When you child gets a diagnosis, there is relief and <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/bereavement" target="_blank" class="wordlink">grief</a>—and then you spring into action. We have something to do, and so we do it; we set up appointments with doctors, speech therapists, and music therapists. Then there are the tutors, special camps, and horse therapy. Instead of playing on the playground after school, we rush everyone into the car so we can get to the next appointment.</p><p>The child with special needs gets his needs met; but what about his younger sister?</p><p>We are barely able to do all that the therapists want us to do and we have to also fit in soccer practice, homework, and dinner. We want to give our kids everything they need to be successful, but balancing siblings with and without special needs is tough.</p><p>As Solo Moms we are used to stress and guilt, but adding a child with disabilities multiplies the demands and the guilt.</p><p>Raise your hand if any of these emotions are true for you:</p><ul><li>I spend more time with my child with needs than my typical child.</li><li>My other child is always having to come along to therapists.</li><li>I don’t do what the therapists tell me to do, and I feel badly about it.</li><li>My typical child spends more time in waiting rooms than their own room.</li></ul><p>You have good company. All the other Solo Moms have raised their hands too.</p><p>Now let’s look at those emotions.</p><p>People who don’t care don’t feel guilty, so the fact that you do means you love your children.</p><p>It means you want to do all you can to help them be happy and capable people. It’s how the guilt affects you and your ability to mother that’s important. Guilt can propel us into action, but if we allow too much of it, we become paralyzed and unhappy.</p><p><strong>TIP</strong>: Keep a log of what you do for at least a week. Include everything—making special meals, setting up and keeping appointments, and how much time you spend helping with homework. You are getting a baseline so you can see what you want to change or keep.</p><p>Parenting kids with and without special needs does mean you will do more. It’s the reality. But you get to decide how much and how often, and you can review the benefits and cost of your decisions. You can’t and you won’t get everything done. You can’t and you won’t do all the therapies, special diets, and tutoring that you think you should. And that is OK.</p><p><strong>TIP</strong>: After you have a complete log of how you spend your time, look at you want to change it. Aim for a decrease or increase of 5%. Big changes are hard, but 5% is very doable.</p><p>Your daughter may not complain about going to another appointment for her brother. She may seem to understand that he needs extra help. She may also complain about sitting in waiting rooms or in her bedroom while her brother has a meltdown. She may complain that you don’t spend time with her.</p><p><strong>TIP</strong>: Talk to the typical sibling regularly. Ask her what would make waiting easier. Could you read a book to her or ask her to play her favorite music for you? Give specific praise for her efforts (not for being sweet or nice or easy) so she knows that you see her and understand. And talk about how to be with her brother. Does she understand his disability and how to be with him?</p><p>You have probably already thought of special things to do with your typical child. Consider small ways that you can be with her and give her your attention for a minute or two. Special things are meant to be seldom. Daily connections build a bond.</p><p>The child with special needs also needs time with you that is not about fixing him but just being together. Again, small, daily ways are easier (can you do 5% more?) and make each day a little smoother. He also needs to hear what he does well.</p><p>And so do you! Find other moms to talk to about your life and listen for ways they handle things. Doing our best may be more than we can do at any given moment, but doing what is in front of us is good enough.</p><hr><p><span style="font-size: 11px;">Image via Shutterstock.com</span></p>
<p><strong><em><span style="font-size: 20px;">Strategies for getting them in that are well worth a try</span> </em></strong></p><p>For Solo Moms, after-school programs are more than just some extra time for ourselves; they can be the difference between being able to provide for our families or not.</p><p>After-school programs allow Solo Moms to work a full day knowing that their children are safe and supervised. For those of us who have kids with <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/special-needs" target="_blank" class="wordlink">special needs</a>, after-school programs are not always willing or able to accept our children.</p><p>Public schools are required by law to provide a free, appropriate <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/education" target="_blank" class="wordlink">education</a> for all kids. But after-school programs are not technically “school”; they are considered child care, and as such, schools can deny our kids access to them. But before they can say no, they have to try to provide “reasonable accommodations” under the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990 (ADA), Section 504. For a list of accommodations that are reasonable to expect from any of these programs, refer to the individualized education program (IEP)—although IEPs are not part of after-school programs, they can give helpful information to parents and the people who run these programs.</p><p>So what can we Solo Moms do to get our kids with special needs into an after-school program and stay there?</p><p>Start with a relationship. Fear of the unknown is a major reason why our kids are denied entry. If the after-school program is at your child’s school, visit, be helpful, say nice things, and also start to list ways in which the program is organized that will work for your child; also include areas where there might be an issue.</p><p>When Elizabeth Lichtenstein, blog writer of The<em></em> Upside, planned for her then five-year-old son, Raphael (who has Down syndrome), to attend the after-school program at her local recreation center, she came prepared. She gave them lots of advance warning (which they ignored) and very specific suggestions. She provided instructions on things such as assigning someone to be close by while he eats and climbs on the playground, making sure he goes to the bathroom, and having someone help him button his pants.</p><p>They gave him a three-week trial, and his mom had to go with him.</p><p>Lichtenstein wrote on her blog, “Some interesting things happened during the trial period. I watched how children in the program took Raphael’s hand to show him the way, invited him to sit with them for snack, and modified their play to include him because kids are great at being natural peer supporters when adults don’t interfere. The young, barely above-minimum-wage-earning women who instructed the kids even started to include Raphael more.”</p><p>Even though Raphael could have been included in the program, the recreation center said no, he couldn’t come.</p><p>“There is an injustice whenever a person, because of his harmless differences, is excluded,” <a target="_blank" href="https://myupside.wordpress.com/2015/10/15/be-very-afraid-31-for-21/">Lichtenstein wrote.</a> “And when that person is a gentle, fun-loving, cooperative six-year-old, it’s just absurd.”</p><p>This is often the reality for us Solo Moms with kids with special needs. They are not always welcome in after-school programs. There are some things we can and should try, but they don’t always work. Lichtenstein ended up in front of the city council with a whole bunch of speakers asking for a change in policy. Her city is working on it, but as for now, her son is still not allowed to participate.</p><p>Lichtenstein did everything right. She prepared the staff with specific solutions, she came and showed them how to care for her son, and when she had to really step up and advocate, she did so with kindness, compassion, and a deep desire to ally with the staff and not make them out to be the “bad guys.”</p><p>In addition to starting her blog, she organized speakers and did interviews for the local papers to help spread awareness.</p><p>We can learn from her gentle approach: </p><ul><li>Focus on the relationship with the staff and not on “being right.”</li><li>Show them in natural, easy ways how to work with your child.</li><li>Offer a one-page summary of strategies that work.</li><li>Keep meticulous notes about every phone call, e-mail, and conversation.</li><li>Be willing to take it up the hierarchy and meet with the director.</li><li>Do not bash the center if it is reluctant or says no.</li><li>Stay positive and be respectful.</li><li>Ask staff and directors what they think would help.</li></ul><p>Although it could be argued that the recreation center was never really planning to keep the child and just went through the motions, it would be hard to prove, since it did offer the three-week trial. </p><p>Like many Solo Moms, sometimes we have to look for other options:</p><ul><li>Look into YMCA programs at schools or centers.</li><li>Organize with other parents to hire a caregiver for a small group.</li><li>Get a group of five or six parents together, and each one can take the kids after school one day a week.</li><li>Hire an after-school sitter.</li><li>Check out local recreation centers or programs that might be available.</li><li>Research churches or other religious centers for after-school programs.</li><li>See if your family or friends might be able to help out.</li><li>Consider respite or <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/caregiving" target="_blank" class="wordlink">caregiving</a> services. Kids with significant support needs may qualify for these. </li></ul><p>Another thing to consider is what to do when kids enter middle school. Most after-school programs end, and yet our kids may still need direct supervision. The most common solution is hiring a high school or college student to pick them up from school and take care of them for a couple of hours. Doing so can sometimes be expensive.</p><p>After-school options for kids with special needs seem to be less than what a parent can find for kids without behavioral or medical issues. It shouldn’t be that way, but it sometimes is, and although we tend to expect programs to include our kids, they sometimes don’t.</p><p>Lichtenstein also wrote that “In his short three weeks there, Raphael added a lot of benefit to the program. He has that tendency to help people be better at being people.”</p><p>And that could be an unexpected perk for the staff when they look after your own kid with special needs—whether they know it or not.</p><p><br><br><em>Curious how other Solo Moms with children with special needs handle specific situations? </em><a href="https://esme.com/sister-chat"><em>Sister Chat</em></a><em> is a confidential place to ask other Solo Moms the hard questions.</em></p>