<p><strong></strong><em><strong>A child born by ART to two moms talks about his family</strong></em></p><p>I always dreaded talking about my family in school, whether it was playing get-to-know-you games, learning about <em>“la famille et les parents”</em> in French class, or studying heredity and genetics in biology. Don't get me wrong, I love my family more than anything, and I’m proud of us. It’s just that I never knew how people would react. My immediate family consists of me, my little sister, my mom, and my mom. I was raised by two women, although they’ve been separated since I was six. </p><p>I’ll answer all the usual questions: yes, they’re lesbians, and yes, they used to be a couple but they broke up. Yes, they’re both my moms. One gave birth to me and the other one adopted me when I was a baby, so they’re legally both my parents. Yes, they both parent me and my sister, but individually. No, I don’t have a father; I was born with the help of a <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/assisted-reproductive-technology" target="_blank" class="wordlink">sperm</a> donor. No, I don’t know him, nor do I really want to meet him. </p><p>Even though shows like <em>Modern Family </em>or the children’s book “classic” <em>Heather Has Two Mommies</em> are helping bring nontraditional families into the mainstream, a lot of kids (and surprisingly many adults) simply aren’t aware of these families. When I tell people I have two moms, their responses are split. Luckily for me, I grew up in a pretty liberal area, so a lot of people just take it in stride. Sometimes they don’t think twice about it, and sometimes they’re just afraid of being politically incorrect. </p><p>But for everyone who goes along with it, there’s someone for whom it’s a total conversation stopper. Some people don’t see how it’s possible. “Two women? But that’s not how biology works!” Now that I’m older, it’s easier to explain sperm donation, but it was much harder in elementary school, before everyone had really figured out the birds and the bees. One of my first memories of this was when a new girl joined my class in fourth grade and didn’t understand how a baby could be born without “the dad giving the mom a special hug.” I had a heck of a time explaining to her how the “special hug” could be donated or even arrive in the mail from California. </p><p>The other common response is a well-intentioned barrage of questions, which can sometimes be just as difficult as a complete misunderstanding. I once mentioned my moms to a group at school, and it completely derailed our group project: one of my group members proclaimed me “the most interesting person in the world” and spent the rest of the class grilling me about how it is to be raised by two women, how sperm donation works, and ironically, about any annoying ways people tend to respond. I do my best to be patient since it’s often innocent curiosity, but it’s sometimes hard to answer the same questions over and over again.</p><p>The reason that I get tired of people making a big deal out of my family is that I really don’t feel like it’s as different as people think. I still have caring, supportive parents, and I grew up like any other kid. The separated and coparenting setup isn’t terribly rare either. To me, the most important thing about my family has nothing to do with the fact that I have two moms or that I was conceived with a donor. It has everything to do with our tradition of having crepes for breakfast when I came home from boarding school or singing along to the <em>Sound of Music</em> on road trips. We’re really just like any other “normal” family. Yes, I know my family isn't “normal,” but no, I wouldn’t have it any other way. </p><p>If you’re a parent with a kid who has two moms, was born by ART, or any other nontraditional family, here’s some advice:</p><ul><li><span style="font-size: 16px;">Introduce your children to other kids who have similar family structures as you do. My parents did a good job with this. When Father’s Day rolled around, and all the other kids were making cards for their dads during craft time, my friend Jayme and I would just hang out and play with the craft supplies instead. It helps not to feel like you’re the only one.</span></li><li><span style="font-size: 16px;">Teach your kids to stand up for themselves. People might say insensitive things to your kids. I remember once I sat and listened to my supervisor tell me that gay couples shouldn’t be allowed to adopt children and that solo parents shouldn’t be allowed to run for political office because those things damaged society by challenging the traditional family. I wish I had stood up to her!</span></li><li><span style="font-size: 16px;">Find resources to help your kids understand how they came about. Kids are naturally curious and will probably want to know where they come from, especially when they start learning about where babies come from. Look for resources <a href="http://booksfordonoroffspring.blogspot.com/search/label/english" target="_blank">like these</a> that can help explain ART and nontraditional families to them in a way they understand.</span></li><li><span style="font-size: 16px;">Be caring towards your child, and make sure they know that as long as their family is supportive, it doesn’t matter who’s in it.</span></li></ul>
<p><strong><em>Creative solutions to make your dreams a reality</em></strong></p><p>When I set out to get pregnant as <a href="https://esme.com/voices/perspectives/whats-a-solo-mom" target="_blank" class="wordlink">Solo Mom</a>, I quickly realized that my fertility treatments would not be covered by health insurance. I also realized I would need lots of doctor’s offices, vials of frozen <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/assisted-reproductive-technology" target="_blank" class="wordlink">sperm</a>, and shots of hormones and other drugs. And, in my case, it eventually involved using an egg donor. Initially I was put off by the exorbitant costs. But I did not give up. Instead I got creative!</p><p>So what can you do when coverage for fertility treatments runs out or does not exist? Don’t despair. There are a number of options to help you realize your dream. You just need to be flexible and tenacious. </p><p><strong>Get creative—do your homework</strong></p><p>First of all, take a look at the fine print of your health insurance policy. Sometimes physician fees are covered but technical procedures are not, or vice versa. Many times infertility testing is covered if it is related to an underlying medical condition. For example, you may be able to get coverage for a sonogram to assess your endometrial lining or time an insemination if your doctor codes the tests as treatment for an irregular menstrual cycle. </p><p>You may also be able to appeal a denial by your insurance company. To do so, you and your doctor will need to write a letter, explaining why the treatment is medically necessary and not experimental. </p><p>If you do have to pay out of pocket, you should be able to deduct these expenses on your tax return. Or you may be able to use pre-tax dollars to pay for treatment through a medical spending plan, thereby reducing your out-of-pocket costs. </p><p><strong>Financing and refund programs at IVF clinics </strong></p><p>Many fertility clinics offer various plans to help offset the cost of fertility treatments, such as special financing loans or share of cost programs that provide multiple cycles at a reduced rate. For a set payment, you receive a number of prepaid ART cycles (usually three). The cost is usually more than a one cycle but less than three cycles. So if you get pregnant on the first try, you’ve overpaid, but if it takes three tries, you come out ahead. It’s basically a roll of the dice. Some programs offer a refund of 70-100% of your prepaid fee if the treatment does not result in a <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/pregnancy" target="_blank" class="wordlink">pregnancy</a>. </p><p>In most cases, to qualify, IVF has to be medically indicated, and you may be required to transfer all embryos retrieved from the initial cycle before starting a new stimulation cycle. With all such programs, make sure you understand the fine print. Familiarize yourself with the programs at several different clinics, as they can vary greatly. </p><p><strong>Vacation IVF</strong></p><p>Finally, if you are more of an adventurous spirit, you may consider going abroad for fertility treatment. Many countries offer fertility services at a fraction of the cost in the U.S. I traveled to Mexico to use an egg donor for about a quarter of the price of a U.S.-based clinic. I had a lovely beach vacation and got pregnant on the first try.</p><p>Many who pursue fertility treatments abroad find that being in a foreign country, forced to take a break from their busy day to day life provides a helpful ingredient, relaxation, that boosts their chances of getting pregnant. The list of countries with IVF clinics is long, so it is possible to combine a vacation with a visit to many different countries. </p><p>Remember there are downsides to going abroad. The drastic reduction in price may mean that the success rates will not be commensurate with the premier clinics in the U.S. The clinics also differ culturally from the U.S, often having slower response times and offering fewer details and hand-holding. I, as a former attorney, was shocked at the simplicity of the contract for services provided to me. Many times, I had to tell myself to relax and trust the process because it did not comport with my U.S. sensibilities. (<a href="http://choicemamababyproject.com/blog-2/archives/11-2013.html" target="_blank">You can read a detailed account of my experiences here</a>.) </p><p>Many foreign clinics realize that most patients are using precious vacation days to pursue treatment. Thus, they minimize the number of days required to be abroad by having their patients complete much of the preparatory treatment in the U.S. In my case, I only needed to be in Mexico for about 7-10 days, though I stayed longer just to lay on the beach a few more days. My OB/GYN was willing to prescribe necessary medications and order initial tests. But if you do not have the support of a U.S.-based doctor, it can be tricky to obtain medications. You may need a prescription from the foreign doctor and to order the prescriptions by from a UK or Canadian pharmacy, which often has the added benefit of being cheaper than buying the drugs in the U.S. </p><p>Make sure you do your research and know what to expect. Find other women who have travelled to the same clinic and can vouch for the services. You can find discussions on chat rooms and get referrals from past patients. There are people who act as liaisons and can provide additional information about various clinics. They can also help make your experience more enjoyable and smooth by translating, recommending hotels, providing trusted taxi cab drivers, and more. </p><p>Not everyone is well suited to going abroad. So make sure to ask yourself some questions to decide whether you are a good candidate. Most importantly, do you like to travel? Do you feel safe in a foreign country? Do you generally trust people and enjoy different cultural experiences? Can you suspend your expectations of our health system and embrace another approach? </p><p><strong>Good practice</strong></p><p>The road to pregnancy can be challenging and very expensive when you don’t have insurance coverage. But with some determination and creativity, you may uncover some surprising solutions. And that will be good practice for solo motherhood!</p><hr><p><span style="font-size: 11px;">Image via Shutterstock.com</span></p>