<p><strong><em>Rachel Lehmann-Haupt reviews </em>Finding Our Families<em> by Wendy Kramer and Naomi Cahn, J.D.</em></strong></p><p>A friend recently commented to me that choosing single motherhood with a donor or <a href="https://medium.com/@rlehmannhaupt/minimally-viable-dad-98caf129216d" target="_blank">minimally viable dad</a> today is the equivalent of “Starbucks coming to the East Village,” meaning it’s a formerly edgy neighborhood now turned mainstream and populated with a household name brand. Starting your family as a single mom by choice, or SMC—a term coined by New York psychoanalyst Jane Mattes in the 1980s to define a woman who consciously decides to conceive and raise a child on her own—is fast becoming just another kind of family. <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/debra-caruso/retirement-plan-the-disappearing-nuclear-family_b_2534622.html" target="_blank">After all, the traditional Father Knows Best nuclear family now represents only 20% of the nation</a>. New combinations that include two mothers, two fathers, loving step-parents, committed nonmarried couples, single dads, and financially stable SMCs have replaced the traditional nuclear family. The number of college-educated single moms who make up this group is small, but according to Lucie Schmidt, an economist at Williams College, the numbers are growing along with the larger national trend. In 2005, there were 47,402 first births to college-educated unmarried women. By 2010 (the most recent year for which the data are available), there were 59,955.</p><p>In this new world, I applaud Wendy Kramer, the cofounder of the <a href="https://www.donorsiblingregistry.com/" target="_blank">Donor Sibling Registry</a>, and Naomi Cahn, a family and reproductive law professor at George Washington University, for writing an informative guide for the growing number of families with children conceived by donors. The Donor Sibling Registry is an online community that matches donors and offspring so that siblings conceived by the same donor can find each other if they choose. Kramer and Cahn offer no-nonsense advice, strategies, and stories to help parents who are navigating their own and their children’s questions. The most vital takeaway from the book for anyone considering starting a family via this route is to be honest from the beginning. </p><p>Kramer and Cahn write: “Children thrive on honesty. Telling donor-conceived children about their conception as early as possible gives them critical information about their origins. And, even if they are uncomfortable saying so explicitly, some children who have not been told the truth may have a subtle, unshakable sense of difference within the family. As more donor families begin to tell their children about their donor conception early on in their child’s life, we’ve heard from them—thousands of people all around the world—testifying to the success of this open and honest method.”</p><p>The book offers a vital peace of mind from both a personal and legal perspective, and is a must-read for anyone with children conceived by a donor or who is considering the choice.</p><hr><p><br></p><p><span style="font-size: 11px;">Photo Credit: "Finding Our Families" Avery Dec 3, 2013</span></p>
<p><strong></strong><em><strong>A child born by ART to two moms talks about his family</strong></em></p><p>I always dreaded talking about my family in school, whether it was playing get-to-know-you games, learning about <em>“la famille et les parents”</em> in French class, or studying heredity and genetics in biology. Don't get me wrong, I love my family more than anything, and I’m proud of us. It’s just that I never knew how people would react. My immediate family consists of me, my little sister, my mom, and my mom. I was raised by two women, although they’ve been separated since I was six. </p><p>I’ll answer all the usual questions: yes, they’re lesbians, and yes, they used to be a couple but they broke up. Yes, they’re both my moms. One gave birth to me and the other one adopted me when I was a baby, so they’re legally both my parents. Yes, they both parent me and my sister, but individually. No, I don’t have a father; I was born with the help of a <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/assisted-reproductive-technology" target="_blank" class="wordlink">sperm</a> donor. No, I don’t know him, nor do I really want to meet him. </p><p>Even though shows like <em>Modern Family </em>or the children’s book “classic” <em>Heather Has Two Mommies</em> are helping bring nontraditional families into the mainstream, a lot of kids (and surprisingly many adults) simply aren’t aware of these families. When I tell people I have two moms, their responses are split. Luckily for me, I grew up in a pretty liberal area, so a lot of people just take it in stride. Sometimes they don’t think twice about it, and sometimes they’re just afraid of being politically incorrect. </p><p>But for everyone who goes along with it, there’s someone for whom it’s a total conversation stopper. Some people don’t see how it’s possible. “Two women? But that’s not how biology works!” Now that I’m older, it’s easier to explain sperm donation, but it was much harder in elementary school, before everyone had really figured out the birds and the bees. One of my first memories of this was when a new girl joined my class in fourth grade and didn’t understand how a baby could be born without “the dad giving the mom a special hug.” I had a heck of a time explaining to her how the “special hug” could be donated or even arrive in the mail from California. </p><p>The other common response is a well-intentioned barrage of questions, which can sometimes be just as difficult as a complete misunderstanding. I once mentioned my moms to a group at school, and it completely derailed our group project: one of my group members proclaimed me “the most interesting person in the world” and spent the rest of the class grilling me about how it is to be raised by two women, how sperm donation works, and ironically, about any annoying ways people tend to respond. I do my best to be patient since it’s often innocent curiosity, but it’s sometimes hard to answer the same questions over and over again.</p><p>The reason that I get tired of people making a big deal out of my family is that I really don’t feel like it’s as different as people think. I still have caring, supportive parents, and I grew up like any other kid. The separated and coparenting setup isn’t terribly rare either. To me, the most important thing about my family has nothing to do with the fact that I have two moms or that I was conceived with a donor. It has everything to do with our tradition of having crepes for breakfast when I came home from boarding school or singing along to the <em>Sound of Music</em> on road trips. We’re really just like any other “normal” family. Yes, I know my family isn't “normal,” but no, I wouldn’t have it any other way. </p><p>If you’re a parent with a kid who has two moms, was born by ART, or any other nontraditional family, here’s some advice:</p><ul><li><span style="font-size: 16px;">Introduce your children to other kids who have similar family structures as you do. My parents did a good job with this. When Father’s Day rolled around, and all the other kids were making cards for their dads during craft time, my friend Jayme and I would just hang out and play with the craft supplies instead. It helps not to feel like you’re the only one.</span></li><li><span style="font-size: 16px;">Teach your kids to stand up for themselves. People might say insensitive things to your kids. I remember once I sat and listened to my supervisor tell me that gay couples shouldn’t be allowed to adopt children and that solo parents shouldn’t be allowed to run for political office because those things damaged society by challenging the traditional family. I wish I had stood up to her!</span></li><li><span style="font-size: 16px;">Find resources to help your kids understand how they came about. Kids are naturally curious and will probably want to know where they come from, especially when they start learning about where babies come from. Look for resources <a href="http://booksfordonoroffspring.blogspot.com/search/label/english" target="_blank">like these</a> that can help explain ART and nontraditional families to them in a way they understand.</span></li><li><span style="font-size: 16px;">Be caring towards your child, and make sure they know that as long as their family is supportive, it doesn’t matter who’s in it.</span></li></ul>
<p><em><strong>Ideas for finding the ideal donor daddy</strong></em></p><p>I began thinking about having a child on my own after a very serious relationship ended. I was 37, a critical time for my fertility. I considered every option. I talked to a friend about donating his <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/assisted-reproductive-technology" target="_blank" class="wordlink">sperm</a>, and I considered coparenting with an ex-boyfriend. In the end, I decided to go with an “open identity” donor whose sperm I purchased through a sperm bank. Open identity meant that my child could meet his or her biological father when he or she was 18, but not before.</p><p>I decided to go this route because I didn’t want a known donor who would be a sort-of father—someone who could swoop in and out on his own terms, or even my terms, but nonetheless not be 100% my child’s father. To me, fatherhood is defined by the emotional connection, physical affection, advisements, and daily consistency of a man in a child’s life whom that child calls Daddy. I don’t believe this relationship has to be biological, and if it is biological, then I don’t believe that a donor, even if he has a connection with the child, should automatically be able to claim parental rights. There needs to be strong evidence of deep commitment. </p><p>I very consciously chose not to use a known donor because of the potential legal ramifications but, more importantly, because of the emotional ones. I decided to conceive with a donor whom my child could meet someday to inevitably satisfy any curiosity about his or her genetic origins, but I didn’t want to confuse the child with a “minimally viable dad” (see <a href="https://medium.com/@rlehmannhaupt/minimally-viable-dad-98caf129216d" target="_blank">my article on Medium</a> about the Jason Patric case to understand what could go wrong if you’re not legally covered) whom the child couldn’t necessarily call Dad.</p><p>Of course there are many options that work for different people, but my advice would be to figure out the least legally complicated situation, and if you choose a known donor or to coparent with someone with whom you are not romantically involved, deeply research the laws and put everything in a contract using a lawyer or mediator.</p><p>With so many options for sperm donors these days, it can be confusing. You can choose from donors who have taken personality tests to celebrity look-alike donors. To make things simple, choose a donor with the traits you find attractive and would want in someone whom you are <a href="https://esme.com/single-moms/dating" target="_blank" class="wordlink">dating</a>. He is, after all, the “donor daddy” of your future kid. But also remember what author David Plotz wrote in his book <em>The Genius Factory: The Curious History of the Nobel Prize Sperm Bank </em>(Random House, 2005): “There is serendipity in DNA. A great donor can pass on a lousy set of genes. Women shop carefully for sperm in hopes of certainty. But there is no certainty in a baby.”</p><p>See our resource pages for a list of sperm banks and family lawyers who can help you navigate paternity laws and, if necessary, help you draw up a donor agreement.</p><hr><p><span style="font-size: 11px;">Photo Credit: Shutterstock.com</span><br></p>
