<p><strong><em>Reducing the guilt and stress of <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/parenting" target="_blank" class="wordlink">parenting</a> siblings with and without <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/special-needs" target="_blank" class="wordlink">special needs</a></em></strong></p><p>At a glance:</p><ul><li>We parent each kid differently, including those with special needs and those without.</li><li>You will not be able to do everything for everyone.</li><li>Stress and guilt are the shadows of love and commitment.</li></ul><p>When you child gets a diagnosis, there is relief and <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/bereavement" target="_blank" class="wordlink">grief</a>—and then you spring into action. We have something to do, and so we do it; we set up appointments with doctors, speech therapists, and music therapists. Then there are the tutors, special camps, and horse therapy. Instead of playing on the playground after school, we rush everyone into the car so we can get to the next appointment.</p><p>The child with special needs gets his needs met; but what about his younger sister?</p><p>We are barely able to do all that the therapists want us to do and we have to also fit in soccer practice, homework, and dinner. We want to give our kids everything they need to be successful, but balancing siblings with and without special needs is tough.</p><p>As Solo Moms we are used to stress and guilt, but adding a child with disabilities multiplies the demands and the guilt.</p><p>Raise your hand if any of these emotions are true for you:</p><ul><li>I spend more time with my child with needs than my typical child.</li><li>My other child is always having to come along to therapists.</li><li>I don’t do what the therapists tell me to do, and I feel badly about it.</li><li>My typical child spends more time in waiting rooms than their own room.</li></ul><p>You have good company. All the other Solo Moms have raised their hands too.</p><p>Now let’s look at those emotions.</p><p>People who don’t care don’t feel guilty, so the fact that you do means you love your children.</p><p>It means you want to do all you can to help them be happy and capable people. It’s how the guilt affects you and your ability to mother that’s important. Guilt can propel us into action, but if we allow too much of it, we become paralyzed and unhappy.</p><p><strong>TIP</strong>: Keep a log of what you do for at least a week. Include everything—making special meals, setting up and keeping appointments, and how much time you spend helping with homework. You are getting a baseline so you can see what you want to change or keep.</p><p>Parenting kids with and without special needs does mean you will do more. It’s the reality. But you get to decide how much and how often, and you can review the benefits and cost of your decisions. You can’t and you won’t get everything done. You can’t and you won’t do all the therapies, special diets, and tutoring that you think you should. And that is OK.</p><p><strong>TIP</strong>: After you have a complete log of how you spend your time, look at you want to change it. Aim for a decrease or increase of 5%. Big changes are hard, but 5% is very doable.</p><p>Your daughter may not complain about going to another appointment for her brother. She may seem to understand that he needs extra help. She may also complain about sitting in waiting rooms or in her bedroom while her brother has a meltdown. She may complain that you don’t spend time with her.</p><p><strong>TIP</strong>: Talk to the typical sibling regularly. Ask her what would make waiting easier. Could you read a book to her or ask her to play her favorite music for you? Give specific praise for her efforts (not for being sweet or nice or easy) so she knows that you see her and understand. And talk about how to be with her brother. Does she understand his disability and how to be with him?</p><p>You have probably already thought of special things to do with your typical child. Consider small ways that you can be with her and give her your attention for a minute or two. Special things are meant to be seldom. Daily connections build a bond.</p><p>The child with special needs also needs time with you that is not about fixing him but just being together. Again, small, daily ways are easier (can you do 5% more?) and make each day a little smoother. He also needs to hear what he does well.</p><p>And so do you! Find other moms to talk to about your life and listen for ways they handle things. Doing our best may be more than we can do at any given moment, but doing what is in front of us is good enough.</p><hr><p><span style="font-size: 11px;">Image via Shutterstock.com</span></p>
<p><strong></strong><em><strong>Navigate the college application process for students with learning challenges</strong></em><strong><em></em></strong></p><span id="docs-internal-guid-043774ec-1c21-10c4-17bc-701e6a676b2e"><p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.2;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:10pt;" rel="line-height:1.2;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:10pt;">Earlier this month ESME spoke to educational consultant <a target="_blank" href="http://www.majorincollege.com">Diane Lomonaco</a>, LPC, CEP, about how Solo Moms can better navigate the college application process. In the context of that conversation it became clear that Diane has deep passion and experience surrounding college-bound teens with learning and other special challenges. This much is certain: for these teens and their moms there’s an additional layer of stress and planning intrinsic to the process. </p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.2;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:10pt;"><strong>What do Solo Moms need to know when preparing themselves and their special student for college? </strong></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.2;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:10pt;">The landscape is entirely different between high school and college. Federal law requires high schools to plan for the identified student with either a <a target="_blank" href="https://www.understood.org/en/school-learning/special-services/504-plan/understanding-504-plans#item0">504</a> or <a target="_blank" href="http://www.greatschools.org/gk/articles/what-is-an-iep/">IEP</a> (Individualized <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/education" target="_blank" class="wordlink">Education</a> Program). This means that the high school is responsible and accountable for delivering services to students—like tutoring, assisted technology, and extra time on tests. Students and their families depend upon the high school to plan and implement a program with stages, steps, and strategies for success. In college it’s entirely up to students to seek help and accommodations. Colleges offer various degrees of support, but the student must request and take advantage of such services. </p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.2;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:10pt;"><strong>What are the must-know resources? </strong></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.2;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:10pt;">Every college offers accommodations, but the degree of supportive services varies. Some schools provide the minimum level of accommodations such as extended time on tests, while others offer notetakers, distraction-free testing, use of technology, preferential scheduling, and writing support. Almost all schools have a writing center but looking into how that facility is run and by whom is important. Every campus has an office for disability services, but here, too, it’s worth checking to see whether the center is manned by trained personnel or student volunteers. Some schools have standalone programs that charge extra fees for students who need additional help. These programs can be found in many college guidebooks that exist for students with learning disabilities. </p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.2;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:10pt;"><strong>How can Solo Moms anticipate the needs of their students? </strong></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.2;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:10pt;">It’s critical that students have updated learning assessments or evaluations. Ideally, this material should be refreshed senior year so that students can bring the most current information to their college’s office of disability services. Moms can abet this process by staying informed of new tools and technologies to help students who learn differently, and by studying the unique guidelines at their student’s college. </p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.2;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:10pt;"><strong>In what ways is the college admissions process different for students with <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/special-needs" target="_blank" class="wordlink">special needs</a>? </strong></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.2;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:10pt;">Additional research is required to determine whether the individual services a student needs match those offered by the college. Making contact with the director of disabilities services at any school of interest, campus tours, and follow-up is critical to this process. Visiting, talking, and sharing personal assessments is also vital to understanding whether a school is a good fit. </p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.2;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:10pt;">Moms should know that the admission process is the same for <em>all</em> students regardless of learning disabilities. This means that applicants must first meet the admission criteria for the university or college. It’s only after the student has been admitted that a service plan can be discussed. Some students distinguish themselves in college essays by writing about their learning disabilities, especially if they have interrupted academics during high school. Many times a student is not diagnosed until high school and writing about this experience can help the admission committee’s understanding of the student’s advocacy and growth. </p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.2;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:10pt;"><strong>What steps are necessary to help parents and teens make a successful college transition?</strong></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.2;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:10pt;">Moms should start to shift the responsibility for their students’ education to their teenagers. Help them understand their diagnosis and the services and tools they need in order to learn. Help them to take control of their own learning by nudging them more and more toward advocating for themselves with their teachers and support staff. The number one rule of a successful transition in college is to know what you need and how to get support on campus. </p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.2;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:10pt;">I also recommend certain students enroll in summer institutes to “practice college life.” Some of these summer programs even have financial scholarships or aid attached to them.</p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.2;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:10pt;">For more information or to reach Diane Lomonaco directly, visit <a target="_blank" href="http://www.majorincollege.com">Major in College</a> or email her at <a target="_blank" href="mailto:diane@majorincollege.com">diane@majorincollege.com</a>.</p></span>
<p><em><strong><a href="https://esme.com/voices/perspectives/whats-a-solo-mom" target="_blank" class="wordlink">Solo Mom</a> Beki Sciacca on the need for strong listeners when you’re <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/parenting" target="_blank" class="wordlink">parenting</a> a child with <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/special-needs" target="_blank" class="wordlink">special needs</a></strong></em></p><p>Children with special needs long for us to just listen. They want us to really get who they are and understand the pain they have experienced—not so that we can fix them, but so that we can walk with them as they find their own paths through their dark nights.</p><p>I also think of, and feel for, all of us—parents, grandparents, therapists, agency workers, teachers—who are called to this journey of caring for these challenging children. Our own souls are soothed when we are deeply listened to by someone who doesn’t try to assure us that things are not as bad as they seem, and who doesn’t offer us the advice we’ve already heard and tried to no avail. As Solo Moms, it makes sense for us to be deeply intentional about finding listeners who know how to, well . . . listen.</p><p>There’s a time for problem-solving and advice-giving, and a time for deep listening. What a gift it is when we have someone in our lives who is able to discern the right time for each, or who will simply ask, “What do you need from me right now?”</p><p>Do you have a deep listener in your life? If you do, let that person know how much she (or he) is appreciated. If you don’t, find someone who can fill that role, perhaps from a support group or spiritual community. Or maybe you’d like to learn a practice such as focusing or nonviolent communication, both of which will bring you into contact with others who value the healing power of deep listening and empathy.</p><p>Whatever road you take, remember that you don’t have to walk it alone. Others are also on the road, some walking ahead, some behind . . . and some who will walk right alongside of you, listening. Treasure them all.</p><hr><p><span style="font-size: 11px;">Photo credit Shutterstock.com</span><br></p>