<p><strong><em>How to change your approach to <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/parenting" target="_blank" class="wordlink">parenting</a> as your child gets older</em></strong></p><p>Since our kids were babes, we have had to plan, decide, and manage every minute of their day. We decided what and when they ate, when they slept, and what they wore. No matter how long we’ve been doing it solo, we’ve gotten very good at taking care of our children—but parenting an adolescent is not the same as parenting a toddler. </p><p>When my son entered middle school, he yearned for as much independence as I could give him. After school, he would go with his friends to the local pizza place and just hang out. One afternoon, I was shocked to see him waiting at the bus stop downtown; as I realized, he had learned to take the bus to anywhere he wanted to go. Suddenly I went from knowing what he did and where he was every day to having hours in which I wasn’t really sure. How did he know how to get downtown without me? He was usually so disorganized—part of having attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)—that I had no idea he could navigate around town. I was both surprised and proud of his newfound independence. </p><p>I now had to come to terms with the fact that he needed a different kind of parenting and that meant I had to change.</p><p>Through this parenting stage, I learned four important lessons:</p><ol><li><strong>Take the long view. </strong>Somewhere in the tween years, it occurs to us that our children are closer to adulthood than they are to toddlerhood. They are naturally moving away from us and finding out who they are and who they want to be. For kids with struggles, it may take them longer to mature. Current research suggests the average brain isn’t fully mature until age 24 or 25. For kids with ADHD, autism, or other issues, add a few years. If we know it’s going to be a long process, hopefully that can ease our worry when our kids aren’t as mature as their peers.</li><li><strong>Make the relationship the priority.</strong> I was lucky to have figured out that the most important thing was to prioritize the relationship I have with my children over being right. Yes, I might think I know best, but to always insist on that meant I was sacrificing my relationship with them. When my son told me he drank beer at a friend’s house and got sick, I didn’t launch into him with a lecture. Instead, I asked if he was OK. I listened. I didn’t give him approval for his actions, but I let him know he did the right thing in telling me. As a solo parent, you sometimes want to be your child’s friend <em>and </em>parent. You are your child’s parent forever. You get to be your child’s friend when your child becomes an adult.</li><li><strong>Engage teens as team members.</strong> Change is natural and inevitable when your children transition from elementary school to middle school and then to high school. I capitalized on and anticipated each transition by having a family meeting and discussing the new expectations I had for my kids. I started with reorganizing chores and redefining those expectations (for instance, by showing them what a clean bathroom should look like now that they were older). I thought about my own actions and if I was doing too much for them and, if so, what responsibilities they could take on. Besides new expectations for our home life, I also set new expectations for phone and screen time, social media, curfews, <a href="https://esme.com/single-moms/dating" target="_blank" class="wordlink">dating</a>, etc. For instance, with regard to my daughter’s intellectual disabilities, I worked with her over several months to teach her how to do her own laundry.</li><li><strong>Separate my identity from theirs.</strong> This is one of the hardest things we face as parents, especially for the <a href="https://esme.com/voices/perspectives/whats-a-solo-mom" target="_blank" class="wordlink">Solo Mom</a> who has been intertwined in her child’s life for so long. Our lives have been so wrapped around our children’s needs that our needs always take a backseat. If your tween or teen is helping more around the house and has a bit more independence, perhaps you can give yourself an hour each week to go for a hike, take a painting class, or meet a friend for tea. Separating gives us more space to do things and gives our teens more space to develop as individuals, but we are always still there to guide and monitor. When my daughter learned to do her own laundry independently, I didn’t say, “Aren’t you glad I taught you?” because it was <em>her </em>success. Instead, I said, “Great job getting your clothes washed, dried, folded, and put away. That shows me that you are really maturing and will be able to take care of yourself as an adult.”</li></ol><p>Each stage of motherhood requires us to unlearn, learn, and relearn many skills and habits. Use these natural times of change to look at yourself so you can wisely guide your child through the teenage years.</p><hr><p><span style="font-size: 11px;"><br></span></p>
<p><em><strong>How it feels to see your child with intellectual disability succeed</strong></em></p><p>She came home smiling. “Guess what happened in the L.A. final today?” she asked. “I took the final by myself,” she announced, before I even had a chance to guess.</p><p>“There wasn’t a [paraprofessional], but I told Ms. H I could do it without one. I told her I was ready and could do it on my own.” </p><p>My heart was pounding, but I stayed cool. “That’s awesome,” I said. She was still smiling. “I told Ms. H, ‘I got this.’” Apparently, she did.</p><p>It was her moment: one of growing confidence, of developing context, of learning through literature. The ninth-grade language arts final was on Shakespeare’s <em>Romeo and Juliet</em>. We had spent several hours reviewing the nonmodified study guide. It had straightforward questions about who was who, and it also asked students to make inferences and to share their opinions and thoughts about complex concepts such as motivation, responsibility, and jealousy. </p><p>My daughter is 15 and a freshman at our neighborhood high school. This is the first time she has taken a final that was not modified. And the first time that I understood why that was exactly the best choice, even though it was not planned. </p><p>My girl said her first word at three years old. She learned the letters in her name when she was five. At 10, she could read at a first-grade level. She reads at a beginning sixth-grade level now. Every year of her schooling, her work is modified to her level. It seemed to make sense, but now I am not so sure.</p><p>Several factors played into this wonderful success. I can’t really say which is most important; it’s the cumulative effect that made this test doable.</p><ol> <li><strong>Teacher time.</strong> It took us most of the year to figure this out, but once we did, it catapulted her comprehension and engagement. Most weeks, my girl went to see the teacher during the teacher’s office hours, and they discussed what my girl understood and what she needed to work on. The teacher, not the paraprofessional, or para, spent time instructing her.</li><li><strong>Context.</strong> My girl was ready to engage in a story about teenagers in love. She was interested in romance and boyfriends and relationships. She had the comprehension skills necessary to follow the story and to make some inferences to present-day teen issues. She was comfortable sharing her thoughts and opinions in classroom discussions.</li><li><strong>Appropriate materials.</strong> Ms. H also made sure all her students had access to the materials they needed to understand <em>Romeo and Juliet</em> as literature and as a story and history. She suggested we get a No Fear Shakespeare version of the book and watch movie versions, and she used the school website to post study guides and supplemental materials. In short, she was an excellent teacher!</li><li><strong>Confidence.</strong> My girl had a good working relationship with the teacher, an understanding of the material, and a sense of herself, which led to the confidence she needed to easily take on the final exam. She also took the regular physical <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/education" target="_blank" class="wordlink">education</a> final without support. Both the science and U.S. Government finals were also not modified, though she did have a para read her the questions and guide a bit too.</li><li><strong>Desire</strong>. My girl wants to be able to do what her peers can do. She used to hate her brain for not learning as well as others, but she has moved into an acceptance of who she is and how she learns. She could be taught in segregated special-education classrooms, but she wants to be in the same classes as her friends. She does take a special-education math class, as her math skills are at about a third-grade level. She is fine with that because math is very challenging for her and algebra is too big a stretch. My girl has told the paras to help only when she asks, as she wants to try to do what every other student is expected to do. </li></ol><p>My girl knows she has disabilities. She uses the term “learning disabilities,” which is functionally true, though it is because she has an intellectual disability and significant speech delays. My girl also knows she is funny, kind, thoughtful, and a good friend. She has passions and goals. She will be on the swim team next year and has joined two clubs. And she wants to go to a school dance. I have a feeling I will be sharing that story soon.</p><hr><p><span style="font-size: 11px;">Photo Credit: Shutterstock.com</span><br></p>
