A guide to standing on your own two feet and liking it
Before I got married, I paid scant attention to the institution per se. But when I became a married woman with children, I realized that, beyond the benefits of love and partnership and all that other hoopla, marriage had some perks. Men in meetings relaxed more when I was designated unavailable. The confidence that I gained from that loop on my finger let me also focus on getting work done, which isn’t often easy in a male-dominated work field. To this day, I still think modern marriage is a good institution—just not for me.
When my marriage imploded, I emerged from the rubble a bit shell-shocked. (Post-traumatic stress disorder is what they call it these days.) As a Solo Mom with full custody of two children under six (long story!), I focused on keeping my young kids balanced, keeping myself from going crazy, and . . . sleeping. Stability was my main priority. I was now preoccupied with babysitters and putting food on the table; oddly enough, during meetings I was laser focused on the job at hand, and they still went fairly well. Or, perhaps I was in such an intense mama-bear mode, I didn’t notice.
As things settled down and our family became a three-person unit, acquaintances began to recommend I reconnect with the adult social world and look for someone new. That was when I realized that my attitude about marriage was slowly and subtly changing. Marriage had been great for me for a while. But somehow, though I wasn’t thrilled to be a stressed, cash-strapped, multitasking Solo Mom, I began to have a sneaking suspicion that I did not aspire to be married again.
When my marriage imploded, I emerged from the rubble a bit shell-shocked (post-traumatic stress disorder, they call it these days). As a Solo Mom with full custody of two children under six (long story!), I focused on keeping my young kids balanced, keeping myself from going crazy, and . . . sleeping. Stability was my main priority. I was now preoccupied with babysitters and putting food on the table; oddly enough, during meetings I was laser focused on the job at hand, and they still went fairly well—or perhaps I was in such an intense mama-bear mode, I didn’t notice.
As things settled down and our family became a three-person unit, acquaintances began to recommend I reconnect with the adult social world and look for someone new. That was when I realized that my attitude about marriage was slowly and subtly changing. Marriage had been great for me for a while. But somehow, though I wasn’t thrilled to be a stressed, cash-strapped, multitasking Solo Mom, I began to have a sneaking suspicion I did not aspire to be married again.
I started compiling a personal list of why marriage would not work for me. At that time, I whispered it to myself. I still feel it’s a bit sacrilegious; I’m not sure why. Too many romantic comedies, I guess. Here’s what I’ve got so far:
What’s the point? As a Solo Mom, instead of getting opinions from my significant other, I can cherry-pick the input from my extended village. That goes for my kids, too. There’s nothing like having a godfather or grandparent take your kids shopping and buy them something their mother would never consider. They spend a few pleasant hours with a trusted adult, and I get some time and space to myself. My kids come home happy as their designated parent for the afternoon rides off to some new endeavor. What’s not to like? Why have two parents when you can have one main parent and a village?
Too much negotiation. There’s a wonderful back and forth in a partnership that often requires more flexibility once you have kids. Everyone tells you that for the sake of the marriage, you have to learn give-and-take. But once you’re out of that dynamic, you start to wonder: Why struggle so hard to twist yourself into being part of a team, trading off wins and losses of who’s right? As a Solo Mom, you spend so much time negotiating with teachers, lawyers, and the world in general on behalf of your kids. Who wants to start that on an intimate basis again?
Now that I’ve been parenting alone, which also involves negotiating every day with my kids, I don’t know if I want to add hours to my day recapping the pros and cons of every decision or assigning blame when things go badly. Why bother getting married if you can get things accomplished your way in half the time and with half the discussions?
Romance is time-consuming. Don’t get me wrong: I still believe in romance. But there’s romantic, and there’s romantically delusional, especially as a Solo Mom. So while I fantasize about Keanu Reeves giving me meaningful looks from his motorcycle as we wait at a red light, I also sometimes consider looking for a sensible partner who has mutual interests or joining an expedition to search for El Dorado. I’m kidding. Who has time to meet other misguided explorers? Still, a girl’s gotta have her dreams, amirite? Which is why it’s great there’s an online world that helps you keep your fantasies in check.
There’s an app for that. With one swipe you can get back into a no-nonsense dating world. Yay! This makes it possible to have your cake and alone time, too. You can honestly say you’re just looking for a fun, sexy encounter and nothing more. Another reason not to get married: variety!
On that note, there have been all these sexy movies about artificial intelligence (AI) recently. What about the AI husband? Take him to a school fundraiser, program him to laugh at all your friends’ jokes, swipe in a threesome, then turn him off and put him in a closet when you get home so you get time to yourself—now that’s a great fantasy.
Being a Solo Mom, as hard as it is, has given me a few benefits, including a sense of my own self-worth and an ability to respect myself as a woman and a parent. I’m not willing to stash those benefits away any time soon. So, while I’m not saying no to the perks of marriage (including a two-income family), I now understand it’s not a solution to a problem. Instead, let’s call it a state of mind.
The Solo Mom state of mind suits me just fine. How about you?
Margot Kessler, a screen and television writer living in Los Angeles, is the sporadically witty Solo Mom of two lovely daughters.
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