I Can Mom Better Than You and Here’s How
Image credit: Magdalena Hoppenheimer
The great moms predigest their child’s food—do you?
I’m a really good mom. No, really. I’m practically perfect in every way. I’m pretty sure Michelle had a phone call to me on her to-do list before she left the White House to get tips on being such a model citizen of motherhood. And why wouldn’t she want to get tips from me? After all, I’ve never sworn in front of my kid, he’s never had any sugar, and I’ve certainly never bribed him with various items du jour to get him to comply.
My superior abilities as a mother got me thinking: What if other moms want to do as Michelle would do and ask me how to be a good mother?
Well, in case you don’t have me on speed dial, here are a few tips from yours truly.
If you are to be a good mother:
- You must predigest your child’s food so as to ensure as little risk of choking as possible. Chew each item of your child’s food 50 times before depositing it in her mouth as though you were a mother bird.
- You must know what “stripping” diapers means, whether you do it or not.
- You must wash cloth diapers while singing like Julie Andrews, with your arms elbow deep in poo water.
- You must wear your baby until he has learned how to walk the most direct and safest route to all of his college classes.
- You must know that little birdies will always help you stitch up holes in your little one’s clothes.
- You must breastfeed her until she is 12; however, you must also predigest her solids—don’t forget that one.
- You must not let your child sleep alone, but you must also not allow your child to sleep with you. The best option is to be gracious in relinquishing sleep so as to watch over your angel in his safe sleep environment while he dozes peacefully.
- Should you find yourself in a situation where your child is not behaving her utmost best in a public space, you must know the magic word to return her to a state of peace, calm, and general goodness. After all, we mustn’t have a meltdown in the checkout line at Target. It is unsightly.
- You must not buy that candy bar to attain the aforementioned rule.
- You must foster a love of vegetables in your child, which is best accomplished by wishing very hard for it. If your child continues to refuse them, you are not wishing persistently enough.
- You must always, always appear in public with clean, fashionable clothing and hair and makeup done, so as not to embarrass the children. Think of the children.
With these basic rules in mind, even the most ragtag mother can accomplish greatness in her abilities. By following these rules, I, for one, have never faltered in my abilities.
Of course, I also just try my best and treat my child well. And I drink wine. These options work, too.
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