Adjusting your menu to preferences and sensitivities
I have three kids, and they all like to eat very different things. One doesn’t eat beef, and another is repulsed by chicken. One likes salad but doesn’t like cooked vegetables, while another rarely eats lettuce. One is gluten free, and another one will eat anything I make.
Two of them also have special needs. Their picky eating is both part of their disability and not. What kid doesn’t have food that makes them go “Yuck” or whine or beg? Kids with special needs may have very specific diets that require reading every label (gluten is in everything!) and developing a whole new repertoire of dinners. But they are also kids.
Pickiness (whether stemming from the child’s disability or personality) turned out to be a way that I could connect with moms, Solo and not, that reminded all of us we were moms trying to feed our kids.
I also have one kid who eats anything. It’s not because he doesn’t have special needs or because I am a fabulous cook. It’s just because. And that, too, has made me feel more like every other mom than I often do.
So I am excited to share my common, universal, special-needs, picky-eating approach with all the solo sisters out there.
When my kids were young, I read the articles saying you should make one meal and not care if your kid likes it or not, that your kid should eat what you serve and that’s that.
I never liked that approach. I figured if I had guests, I would try to make something that I thought they would enjoy. How could I not offer the same courtesy to my own kids? Making food that only I wanted seemed selfish and counterproductive. I still had to cook for the gang and meet their diet restrictions, sensitivities, and allergies. But feeding them was one area in which I felt like a regular Solo Mom, and not just a mom of kids with issues. Feeding our families is something all moms have in common, and that was a great comfort to me.
Making three separate meals didn’t sound any better, either. I had to learn a new way to cook for my family. I took the “build your own” approach. I started with a basic element such as pasta, rice, quinoa, or beans and cooked two to three things to go with it. I had to make sure that eaters with specific diet needs or preferences could all eat, so every meal works for gluten-free, dairy-free, and vegetarian preferences.
Once a week, I would make a meal I knew didn’t work for one kid. Then I had to plan for substitutes. So my non-beef-eating, gluten-free child had corn quesadillas while the other two scarfed down my layered burrito casserole. A different duo ate the green salad, and one had sliced cantaloupe and strawberries. Everyone was happy and felt honored.
My young-adult son recently told me that he appreciated that every meal had adjustments built in so that everyone could enjoy a good dinner. I feel confident that when he cooks for others, he will make meals that include their preferences and restrictions and will still be delicious. (And yes, I have taught my boys how to cook!)
Nourishing our children through our food is a critical aspect of our role as mothers. Our food and cooking choices teach them more than how to make chicken salad—they are also a way we share our values with our kids. Everything we do—from the food we buy to how its packaged (bagged lettuce or bunches), how its prepared (jars, cans, frozen, organic, grass fed), and how we eat together are all family values we are passing on to our kids.
Nourishing our children through our food is a critical aspect of our role as mothers. Our food and cooking choices teach them more than how to make chicken salad—they are also a way we share our values with our kids. Everything we do—from the food we buy to how its packaged (bagged lettuce or bunches), how its prepared (jars, cans, frozen, organic, grass fed), and how we eat together are all family values we are passing on to our kids.
Adjusting the menu to include as many preferences and sensitivities as I could was also a way that I showed my three kids that I respected and honored them as individuals. I did not allow them to tell me what to cook (and if they didn’t want what was served, they were on their own), but I did make an effort to include at least one thing that each kid liked.
When I became a Solo Mom, one of the first things I did was release some of my “shoulds” around dinner and follow my kids’ leads. It was incredibly freeing to have a much smaller range of veggies but to know they would all get eaten.
As my kids got older, I engaged them in the process—from asking them to go get things while food shopping (and to look at the price, value, and quality) to having them make dinner for the family on occasion. I also asked them to keep trying new things. Even my eldest, who used to gag when he saw uncooked chicken, has tried it as a young adult (though he still couldn’t eat it).
Eating well means having a positive relationship with food, including growing or buying it, preparing it, and sitting down to eat it together. This is especially important for my two with special needs. They don’t always think through their decisions and are much more inclined to binge, sneak food, and choose junk food. Talking about nutrition, shopping, and cooking together—and even cleaning the kitchen after cooking—teach them life skills that I hope will stay with them as adults living on their own.
I continue to cook meals like the ones I’ve listed below. Now they are fast and easy to make and all have an emphasis on vegetables. Over the years, we have moved toward a more plant-based diet, which works for all of us (except the “no cooked veggies” kid!).
Here are a few sample menus:
Taco Bar
- Cooked and spiced ground meat (beef or turkey)
- Vegetarian refried beans
- Fixings: grated cheese, tomato, lettuce, olives, guacamole
- Corn tortillas (precooked or fresh, or both)
Beans and Rice
- Vegetarian black beans (add corn, carrots, onions, chilies)
- Brown rice
- Cubed chicken cooked in salsa
- Toppings: grated cheese, avocado, sour cream
Vegetarian Pasta
- Pasta (gluten-free, if needed)
- Vegetarian marinara sauce
- Mini frozen beef or turkey meatballs, cooked separately
- Serve with salad and Parmesan cheese
Baked Potatoes
- Baked potatoes
- Shredded chicken (can use rotisserie)
- Bacon bits
- Toppings: sour cream, green onions, cooked broccoli, grated cheese, salsa
Indian Feast
- Brown rice
- Can of chickpeas/garbanzo beans seasoned with cumin, turmeric, garlic, and chopped tomatoes
- Chicken cubes and peas cooked in curry sauce (from a jar or homemade)
- Store-bought naan bread
- Raita (plain Greek yogurt, chopped cucumber, and a little diced red onion)
Asian Stir-Fry
- Brown rice
- Beef or chicken strips cooked in teriyaki sauce
- Mixed vegetables (onions, carrots, broccoli, cabbage, peas . . .) cooked in teriyaki sauce (kept separate from any meat)
- Scrambled eggs, cooked separately
Anna Stewart is ESME’s Kids with Special Needs Resource Guide and the Solo Mom of a daughter and two sons on the brink of adulthood. She’s a champion for the rights of people living with disabilities and those who love them.
Please feel free to contact us with any comments or questions.