Swiping John Wayne, Woody Allen, or E. E. Cummings
When swiping (aka “Tindering”), if you come across the photo of a man who piques your interest (as in, you would mate with him if the two of you were living in the jungle after your plane crashed and the survivors had been reduced to a clan of animalistic beings), then you tap on his photo.
This will bring up his “profile,” which is a tiny pitch he’s composed about who he is, along with a series of photos he’s selected to woo you. If you like what you see, you tap on the heart (or “right swipe”). If you don’t, you tap the “X” (or “left swipe”) and move on. You can bypass this vetting stage and go directly to the right swipe after seeing the person’s first photo. But some of us gals are prudes and require a few more photos and some info before we say yes.
The profile feature brings out the full creativity of the male species. Men are personally challenged to attract you based solely on two tools: their photo choices and their words.
Men tend to fail miserably in both areas.
Based on my extensive research of the male Tinder genus in the wild, I have deduced there are essentially three species of Tinder males:
John Wayne
John Wayne is the Quiet Man. He does not mince words. In fact, he doesn’t know how to spell a lot of words. (Note: If he can’t be bothered to spell-check his blurb, he sure as hell isn’t going to bring you flowers on your birthday.)
He’s on Tinder for one thing and one thing only, and it rhymes with “splintercourse.”
He is confident, and if he isn’t, he fakes it by acting as if he is doing you a favor by selecting you. John Wayne likes to post pictures of his muscles and tattoos. He likes to sit on motorcycles, jump out of airplanes, and stand by expensive cars or trucks with big tires. And if he is a dad pretending to be a John Wayne, he likes to zip-line. (Zip-lining is the safest way for a dad to feel like a John Wayne, but without the risk. Plus you get a free photo with your zip-line package.)
He often doesn’t wear a shirt. He either likes facial hair or no hair at all—anywhere. He’s good at taking selfies, and you can count on him to talk about himself all night if he grants you an audience.
His mating blurbs tend to include the following:
- “Hey their, gorgeous!” (Note: the differences among their, there, and they’re elude JW.)
- “Just want a hookup”
- “Not interested in a relationship”
- “Let’s have some fun”
- “Horny”
- “Nine inches of love”
Woody Allen
Woody Allen takes great care with his profile. He wants to make you laugh, and he really hopes you swipe right . . . because he really wants to get laid. He works at being clever, funny, and sensitive in his presentation so that you think that he will “get you” once you connect. He also wants you to know he has a romantic side and can cook. (He will definitely bring you flowers on your birthday and any other holiday, and he will call or text you at least several times a day.)
Woody Allen’s profile shots include photos of him frolicking on the beach with his kids, goofing with friends, barbecuing (donning a funny apron), sporting a funny nose and glasses, as well as photos of sunsets and cute puppies.
He is not great at selfies because he is too busy being dorky, playing with his kids, and cooking. Dude, acting like a chick doesn’t get you a chick!
His mating blurbs will most likely include the following:
- “Not interested in a hookup”
- “Looking for a meaningful connection”
- “Laughter is key”
- “Friendship first”
- “Loves to cuddle”
E. E. Cummings
E. E. Cummings writes his profile as a poetic statement because he thinks women dig poetry and that it will ultimately get him laid. He fancies himself an intellectual and thinks us gals are hopeless romantics and ignorant enough to fall for a dude who can write haiku, not realizing that our 11-year-old sons are writing haikus in their fifth-grade English classes.
Not to mention that none of us ladies has the time to decipher your fucking poetry, EEC. That’s because we are too busy working, raising kids, trying to lose those last 30 pounds, painting the house, volunteering at school, and waxing our asses because we hear that’s what you men like nowadays. There is a reason Fifty Shades of Grey was such a big hit! It’s simple: we want a man, and we’re exhausted!
Deep breath.
EEC likes to include photos of African masks, his work with orphans, his artwork, him shaking hands with Jimmy Carter or George Clooney, and his travels abroad. He is not afraid of text talk, alliteration, or anastrophe—but assumes we don’t know what these words mean in the first place. We would be lucky just to whiff the magnificent scent of the hot air that escapes his ass when he sneezes.
Examples of his mating blurbs are as follows:
- “Artist”
- “Lover of life”
- “Dreamer of things to be”
- “Ready for the next adventure?”
- “Wino . . . foodie”
- “Foot rubs”
- “U game?”
- “I am”
On Tinder, you may find the rogue dude in the mix who doesn’t fit the standard mold (surfers, musicians, soccer-playing civil-rights attorneys). But keep in mind that they are all marked by the same genetic material: John, Woody, or E. E. It’s the amount and combination of DNA that determines the outcome. Remember, you are the scientist, and you must continue your research, Mrs. Darwin, to find your perfect pearl.
Until next time . . .
P. Charlotte Lindsay is a middle-aged Solo Mom. She shares her newfound expertise as a user of a dating app that can help you meet guys, get laid, and maybe even find love. She is a real person, though her name has been changed to protect the innocent, namely her children and parents. You can follow her on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
Please feel free to contact us with any comments or questions.
