Please help me understand
Are you there? It’s me, P. Charlotte Lindsay.
I was just wondering . . . Why do men like to post pictures of their feet on Tinder?
Don’t they know their feet are gross? That they don’t have the pretty, soft little pedicured feet of us gals, with our flowered toes and sparkle polish, all buffed and lotioned and massaged to the softness of one of my many babies’ bottoms?
Why don’t men get that their big toes are massive, either too round or too long for the rest of their toes? Their big toes scare us! We never know what a man will do with it. Where he could put it. Where it might land. We don’t know the big toe’s intentions—and this frightens us.
And the toenails. THE TOENAILS! Long, thick, and yellow, with black guck in the corners, just sitting there, out in the open, for the entire world to see. Have they no shame?
Can’t men see that those big, bulging bones on either side of their feet—the ones us ladies endure horrific surgeries to remove—cause their toes to shoot out at weird angles and make their “dogs” look like they have been mangled in an ancient torture ritual?
And once we see the feet, they become the elephant in the room, like a horrible car accident: we don’t want to look, but we can’t look away. We aren’t listening to what you are saying anymore; we are too busy trying to avoid looking at your feet! And we are worrying that those feet may touch our bodies—or worse: you may want us to rub them!
Why don’t men understand that we gals would rather see any other part of their body without clothes—anything—other than their feet? It’s totally OK to leave the socks on!
Please, God. I am so confused. I just don’t understand.
P. Charlotte Lindsay
I feel you, sister.
I know I’ve done a lot of magnificent things in my existence, you being at the top of the list, but I really screwed up when creating men’s feet.
However, I can explain why the male gender feels the need to post photos of their feet on Tinder.
You see, my beautiful child, no longer can man woo his mate with handmade weapons, the size of his club, or the number of skins from his daily kills. On Tinder, man must woo his mate with only the remedial tools of a blurb and photos.
And in doing so, men want to present themselves as being fun and easygoing, as having a lifestyle that will attract females and ultimately get them laid. I believe you humans call this male “chill.”
The typical male generally presents photos of his feet “chilling on the beach,” “chilling on my patio at sunset,” “chilling on my boat,” etc. Often, he will include a glass of red wine or beer in said photo. This is assumed to increase the “chill effect.”
The female gender, especially the Solo Moms with children, are so overwrought and exhausted that they react not to the mangled feet with the big toes but to the idea of “chilling,” and they swipe right.
I hope this helps you understand this challenging phenomenon, my sweet angel.
Go with Me. (A little God humor. Sorry, couldn’t resist.)
P. Charlotte Lindsay is a middle-aged Solo Mom. She shares her newfound expertise as a user of a dating app that can help you meet guys, get laid, and maybe even find love. She is a real person, though her name has been changed to protect the innocent, namely her children and parents. You can follow her on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
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