Tinder puts women in a time machine . . .
. . . and sends them back to eighth grade, where they revert to teen-crush, stalker-like behavior.
When females either enter the age of menstruation or get ready to leave it, they experience a surge in hormones that temporarily impairs their sanity. Tinder has features that titillate these surges to an extent that leads women to lose all reason, self-control, and—in some cases—pride.
Tinder runs off Facebook, thus providing a level of transparency that most sites don’t. This has its pros and cons.
The upside of transparency
You can see if you and your match have mutual Facebook friends. This allows you to contact said friends and find out if Mr. Match is a good guy, a player, or a perv.
You know your geographical distance from Mr. Match. The Tinder tracking system finds men within your dating-range preferences and also helps you find men while you’re on vacation.
You can ascertain your dude’s Tinder activity. For those wanting a hookup, you can see when a dude was last “Tindering.” Ergo, if a gal doesn’t have her kids for the night and hasn’t been laid in four years, she can whip out Tinder and find someone within one mile who was “active one minute ago.” Hint: this would be a good person to reach out to.
Note: Use protection. Do not take him home. Do not go home with him. In short, don’t be an idiot!
The downside of transparency
The main drawback of transparency is transparency. This, along with the smorgasbord of available dates, can take the mystery and romance out of courtship.
Your mutual Facebook friend may despise Mr. Match because he broke up with her, rejected her, or fired her from a job. She hates him, and if you go out with him, she will hate you, too.
You know his geographical distance from you. Consequently, you can ascertain that the dude you’ve been sleeping with, who said he’s out of town “on business,” is, in fact, three miles away at his apartment.
You can ascertain his Tinder activity. In the olden days, if a gal liked a guy, she’d simply drive past his house at night. Better yet, she’d have a friend do it, then report back on which cars were parked where and if his bedroom light was on. There was also the oh-so-casual move of showing up at the football game or the beach where he surfs. Or, “Wow, I didn’t know you worked here. Me? Just shopping for a few spark plugs. My ignition system’s current isn’t reaching the combustion chamber. Yes, I’m passionate about car mechanics. You wanna get some ice cream later?”
Nowadays, you only have to check Tinder to find out that the dude you’ve been crushing on, the dude who 30 minutes ago kissed you passionately and promised to take you skiing this winter, is already “active” on Tinder again.
And because you can always check a dude’s distance from you and if he’s Tindering other chicks, you do, constantly.
Inevitably, you and your friends begin manic texting.
manic texting | ’manik tekst-ēng
a condition of body and mind as when a female cannot resist constant thought, imagination, and general obsession over male due to Tinder checking, producing a constant stream of text messages to receiving female, who reciprocates in kind
You text your friends his every Tinder move, imagining outrageous scenarios that drive you crazy. Your friends text you back their thoughts and opinions. You respond with defensive excuses. Your friends hate him and text you even worse scenarios, trumping your theories. You check his Tinder profile again. Nobody gets any work done. The hysteria attracts other females, who join the group-chat manic-text frenzy . . . and so it goes, until you find yourself toilet-papering his house in the middle of the night with a bunch of fortysomething women.
Get a grip!!!
Ways to get a grip
Rationalize. If he was “active five minutes ago,” assume he was actively looking at your profile and showing it to his mother because he’s finally met the girl of his dreams. If Tinder says he’s “three miles away” when he’s supposed to be in Sacramento on a church retreat, assume he left his phone in his car at home. Why does the distance keep changing? Because his friend borrowed his car, that’s why!
Stop rationalizing! If the dude is incessantly Tindering, he is not looking at your profile. He is looking at other chicks. He is texting them. He is dating them and most likely sending them pictures of his dick. If Tinder says he’s three miles away, he is—with another woman.
Keep Tindering. It’s all a numbers game. If you have enough dudes going at once, and Number One goes south, Number Two is lined up to take his place.
Don’t look. This is exceptionally hard for women, who generally find it impossible to resist chocolate, fancy coffee drinks, and bread. Asking us to look away from a man we are obsessed with is almost unfathomable, but you can do it: one moment at a time, one day at a time.
When you just can’t look away, delete! If he is Tindering other women and lying to you, you are obsessing, and all this activity is distracting you from your work and children, and making you lose friends, you need to delete his profile. That way you can’t stalk him anymore.
But what if he deletes your profile first?
This can mean only one of two things:
- He’s a serious player. He knows the game. He doesn’t want you to know his distance or his Tindering habits. He’s taken complete control of the situation. Put your guard way up, and tell your friends to let you know if he slides across their Tinder feed.
- He really is off Tinder! Hopefully it’s because he’s fallen truly, madly, and deeply in love with you. Because you deserve it!
P. Charlotte Lindsay is a middle-aged Solo Mom. She shares her newfound expertise as a user of a dating app that can help you meet guys, get laid, and maybe even find love. She is a real person, though her name has been changed to protect the innocent, namely her children and parents. You can follow her on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
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