There’s no hiding on Tinder
The first thing I learned on Tinder is that there are a lot of single men aged 40 and older within a 30-mile radius of my house. Who knew?!
Later, I would learn that there are a lot of single men within a 30-mile radius of wherever I was, be it Santa Fe, New Mexico, or Rome. (Yes, they Tinder in Italian. And yes, they are very sexy. Holy cannoli!)
The magical Tinder app uses your Facebook information to create your profile, specifically your real first name and age (unless you’ve lied about your age on Facebook—and none of us would do that, would we?). Tinder tracks your location via GPS. You input your age preference for your suitor and the distance you are willing to drive for your date, and Tinder then offers you men within your comfort zone. Loosening up on your age and distance limitations only brings in boatloads of more men.
Swiping to the left means “No thanks,” and swiping to the right means “Yessie!”
Right off the bat, I was offered a veritable smorgasbord of potential suitors.
I had never swiped in my life, but after a few misdirected taps and accidental smudges, I was swiping like a pro, with abandon—with flourish, even. If music were playing, I would swipe to the beat. I could walk and swipe. I could spin and swipe. And after a couple of drinks, I could dance and swipe. I’d swipe in line at the bank, at the market, at my gynecologist’s office. At one point, I feared carpal tunnel syndrome. I took a break, iced, took a couple of Advil, and was back at it.
The goal on Tinder is the coveted “Match.” This is when your little face icon does a dance, bounces, and collides with his little face icon; hearts abound, and Shazam! Your cell phone decrees “It’s a Match!” This means he has also swiped “yes” to your profile. Yes! He likes me! I tell you, there is no greater feeling in the world. And with each bouncing, popping, dancing-heart match, I saw my future, my new life, and the answer to all my problems.
But there’s a catch. Once you make a match on Tinder, your swiping habits, be they obsessive or casual, are forever visible to your potential mate and all the other dudes you’ve matched with. Even worse, their activity is also visible to you.
So, for example, if you match with a hot musician dude from three towns over, and you go out with him and fall hard, you may discover he is actively Tindering all the time—at 2:00 p.m., 2:00 a.m., and every time in between. Seriously, dude? What are you doing on Tinder at two in the morning? I thought we were a thing! I thought you loved me! Me? What am I doing on Tinder at two in the morning?! I don’t know! Aaargh!
And when said musician dude says he’s going out of town for the weekend to visit his Aunt Edna and you, in fact, can tell via Tinder GPS that he is just one mile away, well . . . bozonkers.
bozonkers | bə.zôNGk.ərs | informal
adjective (bozonkier, bozonkiest, bozonkish)
- mentally deranged, especially as manifested in a wild or aggressive way due to dude telling you he was one place when, in fact, he was most likely on another Tinder date: Charlotte went bozonkers when musician dude told her he couldn’t see her because he had Aunt Edna’s birthday weekend, when, in fact, he was a few blocks away boffing a waitress from Denny’s.
- extremely enthusiastic: I’m bozonkers about Danny. Too bad he’s a narcissistic douche bag.
- (of an angle) appearing absurdly out of place or in an unlikely position: His penis leaned at a bozonkish angle.
In short, there is no hiding on Tinder.
You will know what he is up to. If this makes you turn into a crazy, OCD Tinder-stalker girl, all of your matches are going to know about it as well. And thanks to the GPS/distance feature, they will know if you are outside their house, across the street, or hiding at the other end of the bar in a wig and glasses.
Tinder is very transparent and extremely addictive.
Consider yourself warned.
P. Charlotte Lindsay is a middle-aged Solo Mom. She shares her newfound expertise as a user of a dating app that can help you meet guys, get laid, and maybe even find love. She is a real person, though her name has been changed to protect the innocent, namely her children and parents. You can follow her on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
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