Single ladies, protect yourself from this disorder!
As previously examined in some of my other articles, Jessica Alba syndrome (JAS) is a neurological condition that strikes males in their late 20s (aka pushing marrying age) and postdivorce (aka midlife crisis), causing them to dump amazing women in the delusion that they can “do better” (aka JAS). If untreated, JAS can result in a lonely death for those who ultimately forget to marry . . . or never meet Jessica Alba.
Conversely, an even more insidious disorder, known as Mel Gibson syndrome, or MGS (recently renamed Chris Brown syndrome), strikes approximately 99% of all females and is most prevalent among females on Tinder.
MGS, caused by a mutation of the JAS genome, results in a reverse JAS pattern wherein females are repelled by decent, kind, educated men—and attracted only to douche bags.
douche bag | (dooSH bag)
1. small syringe used for vaginal hygiene
2. an offensive, obnoxious person, typically a dude
MGS can manifest at any age and without immediate intervention may cause lifelong patterns of dysfunction, ultimately resulting in lonely death or worse—binge-eating of cookie dough whilst watching Full House reruns.
Key indicators of Mel Gibson/Chris Brown syndrome are the right-swiping of dudes with the following characteristics:
- Multitude of muscles and tats
- Blurb bragging about penis size and/or credit score
Once infected, females with MGS progress to off-Tinder interaction with dudes, leading to pining for dudes who don’t return texts, break dates, and post Facebook pics of themselves with other chicks merely hours after screwing you. In its more advanced stages, MGS can escalate to all-out 24-hour Tinder and Facebook stalking, manic texting, and complete devolution of all self-esteem whilst crying to friends for days, asking, “What’s wrong with me? Why doesn’t he want me?”
It’s not you, girlfriend, it’s the disease.
The worst part being that by the time one gets MGS under control, she has already passed up all the sweet, available dudes who, while perhaps lacking hair, sporting a muffin top, or resembling your high school algebra teacher, would have put you on a pedestal and adored you for the rest of your life.
Let’s face it, the shittier a guy treats you, the more you want him. It sneaks up on you. You know you deserve better. But you think you love him anyway.
Prevention of MGS:
1. Always show friends your Tinder dude before dating.
2. If he looks too good to be true, he’s bad. Swipe left.
3. Step away from good-looking guys. (Remember, if he’s that good looking and a good guy, he wouldn’t be on Tinder.)
4. Only date dudes who are shorter, heavier, and much older.
5. 12-step program.
Treatment of MGS:
1. Girlfriend intervention.
2. Delete his profile and phone number, and block him on Facebook. (Note: Often ineffective, as chicks, upon consuming two alcoholic beverages, generally reseek Mel Gibson–like dude, relike him on Tinder, refollow him on Instagram, and refriend him on Facebook—all of which he ignores, making you feel even shittier.)
3. Cry a lot.
5. Eat. (Optional.)
6. 12-step program.
7. Go back on Tinder. (Because once you meet the next hottie, you won’t remember what you saw in Mel dude in the first place.)
Case Study No. 79: Veronica Clair (42)
- Finance executive, divorced, educated, popular among friends and colleagues.
- “Not looking for anything serious.”
Swipes right on: Javi (32)
- Latin American rock star, unmarried.
- “Not looking for a hookup.”
Infectious event: Tinder exchange, moves to text exchange, moves to mutual Instagram following. Veronica views Javi’s “music video” via YouTube wherein bare-chested Javi, while singing 1980s-style Mexican pop, makes love to Mexican model. Onset of pre–MGS (aka she’s already written their love story in her head).
Actual date: Javi, well dressed and cologned, takes Veronica to dinner. He orders for her, including a bottle of sangria, and insists on being the one to purchase booze on the way back to Veronica’s house; he professes the beauty of her body and the desire for a serious relationship.
Incubation period: Four hours. Veronica gives blow job. Javi tells her to “keep in touch” and leaves.
Onset of MGS: Veronica is convinced Javi is “the one.” He “checks all her boxes.” She dreams of him, fantasizes about him, manic texts him, obsessively reads his Instagram and Facebook pages, and waits for his call. It doesn’t come. She texts, “Hey. How’s your day?” No response.
It’s Valentine’s Day. Nothing, nada, zilch, zippo. She ignores any and all advances from good guys, George, John, Paul, and Ringo. She spots girl in his Instagram pics and does Internet sleuthing.
Discovers Javi is in committed relationship with another chick.
Diagnosis: Stage-two MGS.
Prognosis: With immediate treatment, optimistic.
Veronica contacts girlfriend via Facebook and outs him. Girlfriend and Veronica join forces, ultimately ending any and all relationships he is having with multitude of hoes—plus, they tell him his music sucks.
Case Study No. 342: D. Scarlett Flimsay (49)
- Writer, divorced, two children, popular among friends, colleagues, and many men.
- “If you’re trying to up your numbers, I’m not your girl! NO HOOKUPS, D-BAGS!”
Swipes right on: Biff (50)
- Musician, producer, composer, record executive, entrepreneur, talk-show host, author, motivational speaker, president and CEO of Biffy Spiffy Entertainment, Ltd. (She swears! She’s not joking! He said all of the above!)
- “Looking for committed relationship with partner who enjoys staying in shape and clean living.” (Aka he’s sober.)
Infectious event: Tinder exchange, moves to text exchange, moves to phone call (initiated by Biff!) and dinner invitation. D. Scarlett says yes, thinking he is a douche bag and would be fun to write about.
D. Scarlett views pages and pages of Biff’s self-promotion on Internet, as well as webisodes of his eponymously named web series, whereupon Biff interviews various Russian strippers with his shirt unbuttoned.
Actual date: Biff, well-dressed and cologned, takes D. Scarlett to a nice dinner whereupon D. Scarlett drinks too much because he is way better looking, taller, and more charming than expected. They make out in car.
Incubation period: Four months. Biff professes the beauty of her body and desire to have serious relationship.
Second date: He won’t sleep with her. He wants to wait.
Third date: He won’t sleep with her. He wants to wait.
Fourth date: He won’t sleep with her. He doesn’t think they are “a match.”
Biff does not tell D. Scarlett to keep in touch and leaves.
Full onset of MGS: D. Scarlett is convinced he is “the one.” He “checks all her boxes.” She dreams of him, fantasizes about him, manic texts him, obsessively reads his Instagram and Facebook pages, and waits for his call. It comes! He wants to be friends.
They have two “friend” dates, then fuck.
Perpetuation, irritation, and acceleration of MGS: Off-and-on fucking for one year, whereupon after each coupling, Biff posts pictures of himself with various Russian strippers.
MGS at toxic levels: D. Scarlett quits drinking, loses weight, exercises, and learns to speak Russian.
Biff ceases taking her out and only calls her for booty service. She complies.
D. Scarlett ignores any and all advances from good guys, Mathew, Mark, Luke, John, Peter, Paul, and Mary.
It’s Valentine’s Day. Booty call scheduled with Biff. Hours before, Biff posts photo of himself in a hotel room, with tongue inside a Russian chick’s mouth.
D. Scarlett fucks him anyhow.
Next day, Biff posts that he and Russian chick are in love; he dumps D. Scarlett.
Diagnosis: Terminal MGS.
Prognosis: Not good.
Treatment: It’s in God’s hands now.
P. Charlotte Lindsay is a middle-aged Solo Mom. She shares her newfound expertise as a user of a dating app that can help you meet guys, get laid, and maybe even find love. She is a real person, though her name has been changed to protect the innocent, namely her children and parents. You can follow her on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
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