<p><strong><em>Trauma as a catalyst to ODD and ADHD</em></strong></p><p>Why do kids do what they do? When they show defiance, have a tantrum, or don’t cooperate, are they intentionally trying to get us? What if the answer were no? What if science showed us that our minds and bodies are physiologically shaped by adverse experiences that, in turn, affect our behaviors? </p><p>Bessel van der Kolk is a psychiatrist known for his research on post-traumatic stress and the founder of the Trauma Center at Justice Resource Institute in Boston. His most recent book, <em><a href="http://www.amazon.com/The-Body-Keeps-Score-Healing/dp/0670785938" target="_blank">The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma</a> </em>(Viking, 2014), illustrates how behaviors leading to diagnoses such as oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) and attention deficit and hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) could be related to trauma. </p><p>Van der Kolk shares his research on Vietnam War veterans and survivors of sexual abuse. He discusses how these past traumatic experiences are stored in a body’s memory and then are triggered when the person is faced with a situation with even remote similarities to the situation in which the original trauma occurred. He gives the example of a medic at war who witnessed a tremendous amount of death. Upon his return to civilian life, the man was able to work and marry, and seemed to be functioning well overall. It wasn’t until he and his wife had a child that his trauma began to resurface, as the baby’s cries reminded him of crying children in the battle zone. A colleague of van der Kolk almost misdiagnosed the man as having a psychotic episode. Van der Kolk’s interpretation was different. “I think this man is suffering from memories,” he said.</p><p>Without knowledge of this man’s history, one might look at his inability to meet the needs of his crying baby and see only irrationality. Who, after all, wouldn’t move toward their child in need? Scientific research such as van der Kolk’s is beginning to show that the situation is, in fact, much more nuanced. Everybody has a story, and each individual’s story has a physiological influence on that person’s behaviors.</p><p>Van der Kolk points out that the diagnosis criteria for trauma in the American Psychiatric Association’s <em>Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition </em> falls short of recognizing trauma as a hidden cause behind common diagnoses such as ODD and ADHD. If trauma is missing as a possible diagnosis, symptoms of unresolved traumas can be misdiagnosed, mistreated, or left untreated.</p><p>If trauma were suffered by only a small percent of the population, this might not be a problem of great proportion, but van der Kolk shares how trauma is actually quite prevalent. He refers to the <a href="http://www.acestudy.org/" target="_blank">Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) study</a>, for example, which asks participants 10 questions, all related to their childhood and how they were parented. This large-scale study, with more than 17,000 patients, linked participants’ childhood experiences with their long-term mental and physical health. More than half had experienced some kind of adverse childhood experiences, and their ACE score had a strong correlation with obesity, depression, lung disease, cardiovascular disease, cancer, and early death.</p><p>So what does the fact that our bodies keep score of emotional hurts mean for Solo Moms like us? The fact is, we all experience hurtful events in our lives, some extremely traumatic, such as those of the war medic. Other trauma might be smaller, such as navigating a rocky <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/divorce" target="_blank" class="wordlink">divorce</a> or dealing with the shame put on us when our child makes poor decisions. If we can begin to understand our own stories and how they shape our <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/parenting" target="_blank" class="wordlink">parenting</a>, then we can begin to empathize with our children’s stories and how our parenting influences who they become. We cannot always protect our children from traumatic experiences, but we can commit to always trying our best and to helping them find the way through their struggles by caring well for ourselves so that we can be there for them. According to van der Kolk, “Our attachment bonds are our greatest protection against threat.” As we recover from our own traumas, we become more emotionally available to our children. And no matter how you keep score, that’s a win for us all!</p><hr><p><span style="font-size: 11px;">Image via Viking</span></p>
<p><strong><em>The benefits of having absolute control</em></strong></p><p>Picking a name for your baby can be one of the most fun parts of <a href="https://esme.com/resources/c/pregnancy" target="_blank" class="wordlink">pregnancy</a> or one of the most stressful, depending on your circumstance. For those moms who are flying solo, though, there are far fewer stressors, because there are fewer cooks in the kitchen. You get to be both king and queen of your own domain, and this offers plenty of benefits—that your coupled friends will probably envy you for. Enjoy every last one of these juicy perks.</p><p><strong>1. You get your first choice.</strong></p><p>The name you end up with will be a name you love, through and through. You won’t be lukewarm or conflicted about it because there won’t be any compromising or negotiating or settling involved. While some expectant moms will be throwing back counteroffers—like “That can be the middle name,” or “You can name the second child,” or “What if it ended with an <em>i</em> instead of a <em>y</em>?”—you can get your first choice on all of it.</p><p><strong>2. You don<strong>’</strong>t have to deal with in-laws’ input.</strong></p><p>When you’re naming a child with a partner, you have to take into account not only your partner’s opinions and ideas, but also those of their family. This might include cultural or religious traditions, family rituals, or just personal preferences (and some in-laws have a lot of them!). It’s the sort of issue that can be very divisive and trigger long-term resentment (the mother-in-law who just can’t get over not having the baby named after her). But not for you! </p><p><strong>3. Your list can change whenever you feel like it.</strong></p><p>You don’t need anyone’s approval to add a whole bunch of names to the list or cut ones that you suddenly decide you can’t stand. If, six months later, you feel like putting a discarded name right back on the top of the list, you won’t get any pushback from anyone. </p><p><strong>4. You don<strong>’</strong>t have to consider dumb names.</strong></p><p>If there’s another parent involved in the naming process, there is bound to be at least a few names that are just awful, that you wouldn’t consider in a hundred years. Coupled expectant moms need to exercise tact about these names. They have to nod thoughtfully and pretend they’re considering it—all the while, they’re thinking, “That’s the dumbest name in human history. I wouldn’t name my child that abomination for a million dollars.” You never have to waste any time consider names that you hate.</p><p><strong>5. You can honor whoever and whatever you want with your baby’s name. </strong></p><p>If you have a beloved grandmother or uncle or Greek god that you feel really passionately about, you can honor that person when you name your child, and you don’t need anyone’s OK to do so. Whether you want to adhere to a tradition that’s been handed down by your family, culture of origin or religion, or start a new tradition that’s all your own, you have complete control.</p><hr><p><span style="font-size: 11px;">Image via Shutterstock.com</span></p>