There could be one coming your way
You’d think this would be something I’d already know, but I was raised in a house of girls and a father. My dad having a penis was not something I was comfortable thinking about.
When I went on Tinder as a middle-aged Solo Mom of two, I had seen only three adult penises my entire life. (That’s not counting the Pepperdine water polo team, which flashed me and Lori Steinberg when we were in seventh grade as we “dork frolicked” in the university pool. It was my first-time penile exposure and a lot to take in all at once. In fact, I didn’t even register that I had seen actual penises until several years later.)
A “dick pic” is just what it sounds like: a male photographs his genitals and then transfers said image electronically, such that it ends up on a woman’s cellular device. I’d assumed the dick pic was something only politicians and professional football players would be stupid enough to attempt. But as soon as I got in the online game, I learned the legendary dick pic was alive and well.
Why a male would share a dick pic is beyond the female of the species’ comprehension and can be attributed only to some sort of as-yet-undiscovered imbalance existing in the chromosomal makeup of the male of the species.
Let’s face it: an erect schlong looks an awful lot like . . . well, like a toe. And we know how we gals feel about those.
But if dick pics are part and parcel of the new 21st-century mating ritual, then so be it. I am here to help you through, woman to woman. Consider me your “dick whisperer.”
General dick-pic data
1. Only John Waynes send dick pics. Woody will never send you one. E. E. Cummings will want to send one. He might bring it up in a text, dangling the possibility (pun intended) for you to make the request, but he will never follow through. If he does, then he’s really a John Wayne pretending to be an E. E. Cummings.
2. If a man sends you a dick pic, he will most likely have one or all of the following attributes:
- Motorcycle and/or speedboat
- Ability to fix and build things
- Lack of hair (in most, if not all, areas of his body)
- Tan, almost shiny skin, as if he’s been working out or at the beach (though most likely it’s a thin layer of his kid’s baby oil carefully applied for the photo)
- Enjoys beer
- Rockin’ bod
- Ability to save your life in a pinch
3. If a man is not a John Wayne, does not have five or more of the above attributes, and still sends you a dick pic, then he is a perv, and you must run for the hills and report him to the online-dating police. Seriously, gals, there are some real freaks out there. We must be safe and look out for one another!
How to tell if a dick pic is en route
The rule: A dude must never send a dick pic unless asked for one. And the only gals asking are hos, drunk brides-to-be, or a pack of inebriated housewives.
For most women, if you’ve never met the man, shared a drink or a smooch, or don’t know his name, an unrequested dick pic is not a welcome surprise. You are, in essence, being “flashed.” This is especially perverse and disconcerting if you are in bed on a Saturday morning cuddling with your kiddies and said dick pic flies across your iPhone screen. This requires the effective, albeit difficult, “Grab, stash, and roll” procedure, which can be painful and may cause bruising if not correctly executed.
In an effort to save your knees, elbows, and your children’s innocence, the following is the standard text exchange that precedes the arrival of an uninvited dick pic:
Him: Hey, wazzup?
You: Not much. You?
Him: Just chillin’. Thinking about you, pretty lady.
You: Awesome. Thanks.
Him: You got me all hot, girl.
Him: Thinkin’ about your rockin’ bod and your tight ass.
You: But we’ve never met.
Him: I can tell . . . by your blurb and your pics.
You: The pic of my mom and me in Ireland or the one of my pug, Bonkers?
Ping! He sends you a photo of his abs. He is in his underwear and appears to be packing an eggplant. He has no hair anywhere, and his body is shiny.
Him: Look what you did, sweet thang.
You: I’m so confused.
Him: Do you want it, baby?
Turn off your phone! Turn it off now! Look away! Nooo!!!!
(Note: If children are present, “Grab, stash, and roll!”)
P. Charlotte Lindsay is a middle-aged Solo Mom. She shares her newfound expertise as a user of a dating app that can help you meet guys, get laid, and maybe even find love. She is a real person, though her name has been changed to protect the innocent, namely her children and parents. You can follow her on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
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