Swipe 5: When Endgames Collide
Men also like pets and sunsets
One of the great things about Tinder is that, like most dating sites, it can save you a lot of needless dating (unless that’s what you are looking for) by allowing you to carefully read and screen men’s profile photos.
Keeping in mind that the endgame for most women is a relationship and for most men it is sex, a gal must weed through hundreds of dudes who, being middle-aged and on Tinder, most likely suffer from a serious and inoperable condition known as “Commitmentola Issuespondurus,” aka commitment issues, more commonly known as “Jessica Alba syndrome.”
Jessica Alba syndrome
This highly contagious and inoperable disease strikes most males in their late 20s upon completing month six of dating a marriage-worthy, family-desiring female. It can also appear quite suddenly in males who’ve experienced midlife divorce.
A man suffering from this disease will reel you in, play you like a fiddle, then toss you aside like a rotten sock for fear that Jessica Alba (or her equivalent) will magically spot him at the market, spontaneously fall in love with him, divorce her hot husband, and abandon her adorable child and billion-dollar company so that she can run away with him on his midlife Harley. Understandably, he doesn’t want to be tied down when this happens.
In short, the thought process of a man with Jessica Alba syndrome (JAS) is this: “If I can get her [meaning you], then I can get Jessica Alba [or some other hot chick].”
If left untreated (that is, if the man remains single), this condition only increases in severity with age. Therefore, if you are a Solo Mom returning to the dating world or just a late bloomer, beware men with this disease, for they are cunning, crafty, and a huge fucking waste of time.
But take heart, ladies. The typical JAS man is fairly easy to identify via his profile photos, for one of the symptoms of JAS is the inability to create an authentic and meaningful presentation of himself. In fact, authenticity is impossible for the JAS man, as he is superficial and shallow by nature.
In general, you can deduce so much from a man’s photo selections that there is no need to waste time reading his blurb (or, worse, if on Match.com, the “personal essay,” aka War and Peace).
Once you acclimate to reading the language of male photo choices, you can swipe away the flotsam and jetsam and quite possibly find the love of your life. Plus, it is an easy language to learn: no conjugations, no tenses, and no spelling. Just picture a horny cave man drawing on a rock with a bloody bone, and you pretty much have a dude assembling his photo montage.
In an effort to speed your studies and save you precious time, I’ve compiled a cheat sheet of warning signs to look for when swiping, each increasing in severity.
- Warning: pictures of sunsets
- Flag: pictures of his dog
- Red flag: pictures of his cat
- Bigger red flag: pictures of himself with his bird on his shoulder
- Biggest red flag: pictures of his snake or a photo of him kissing his dog or bird on the mouth (I’ve yet to see a man kissing his cat on the mouth, but I fear this is on its way).
- Extra-credit red flag: boat-side picture of him holding the big, bloody fish he just caught on his all-dude sleepover fishing trip (note the Budweiser in the foreground). Seriously? Do you think we give a shit about your dead fish? Do you not see the subliminal message you are sending us? And your fingers stink.
The following are surefire shortcuts to the left swipe. Use the time you save to get a facial.
- Pictures with his sports car: douche bag
- Pictures on his boat: douche bag
- Pictures with celebrities: douche bag
- Pictures in front of his mansion: liar
- Pictures with other chicks: douche bag
- Pictures wearing sunglasses: Take them off! We want to see your eyes. And if one of those eyes is lazy, we want to know about it in advance.
- Pictures drinking alcohol: gross
- Pictures partying with lots of booze and chicks with big tits: über douche bag
- Pictures out of focus: lying about his age
- High-school pictures: lying about his age, weight, and hair
- Pictures on his Harley: small penis (JAS)
- Pictures with a hat in every shot: bald (not that we care, but own it, man)
- Pictures of food he’s prepared: We are watching our weight.
- Baby pictures: We don’t give a shit.
- Pictures with his mom: meh
- Selfies on pillow with “come hither” look: only works if you are Brad Pitt
- Mr. Wilson photos: He’s going for sullen and intense, but really just looks like a grouch. Smile, for Christ’s sake! We want to know if you have teeth.
Absolute deal breakers
- Selfies on the toilet of a public restroom. We can see the seat cover dispenser behind you and know you snuck into the john to grab a shot so you can quickly open a Tinder account because you want to get laid and all your buds are out there swiping. We also know you are sitting on a toilet, and, dude, that is not a turn on.
- Selfies while driving. What’s up with all the selfies behind the wheel? We are Solo Moms. Doing anything while driving other than driving is going to turn us off. Eyes on the road, Mister.
- No picture at all. The dude is 13 years old or a chick. Forget it.
P. Charlotte Lindsay is a middle-aged Solo Mom. She shares her newfound expertise as a user of a dating app that can help you meet guys, get laid, and maybe even find love. She is a real person, though her name has been changed to protect the innocent, namely her children and parents. You can follow her on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
Please feel free to contact us with any comments or questions.