Swipe 7: The Things Men Say and Do to Get Laid
Don’t hang on to sweet nothings tossed your way
When on Tinder, or any dating site, always remember that every photo posted, every blurb composed, every text written, drink poured, dinner bought, dick pic sent, and so on . . . everything is about the endgame.
For women, the endgame is usually the hope of love, a relationship, and—let’s face it—marriage.
For men, the endgame is sex.
I state this with no judgment or malice. It’s purely an assertion of fact based on Mother Nature’s mischievous ways. Men are wired to spread their seed. Women are wired to love flowers. Men will say and do whatever it takes to get laid. And we gals fall for it because we want the damn roses.
Things a man will say or text in order to get laid:
- “You are [so hot, such a fox, babe, gorgeous, beautiful, etc].”
- “I want to take you to Bali (Paris, Hawaii, Barstow, Mexico, etc.) this summer.” Note: If he says Barstow, run the other way. Double note: Google Barstow if you don’t believe me.
- “How about we just lie together and snuggle?”
- “I’m not sure what’s happening between us, but whatever it is, let’s take it slow.”
- “Had the talk with my daughter about getting her period today.” (Followed by an “I get what it’s like to be a woman” sigh.)
- “You should sleep in my room. It’s warmer.”
- “I think we should wait. It will be better for us in the long run.”
- “If you could go anywhere, where would you want to go?”
- “I think I’m falling in love with you.”
- “ . . . blah blah . . . and I cried . . . and blah blah blah blah . . . and we cried . . . ”
- “We don’t need to have sex. We can just hold each other.”
- “I want to put my penis into your vagina right now.”
Things a man will do in order to get laid:
- He will cry.
- He will cook for you.
- He will brush a stray lock of imaginary hair from your eyes.
- He will play a musical instrument for you.
- He will gently pick an invisible piece of flotsam from your cheek. It will feel oddly intimate, and at just the right moment, the light will catch his eyes in a way that they sparkle as he flashes his dazzling smile. I don’t know how he orchestrates all this . . . but, trust me, he wants to get laid.
- He will make you things out of wood or metal.
- He will barbecue for you using an old washing-machine drum over a hand-built fire of artisanal wood he foraged from the mountains.
- He will do the dishes.
- He will drive long distances and sleep in his car.
- He will send you a “Good morning, beautiful” and “Good night, sexy” text message every day for one week.
- He will lie.
- He will bring his kids on a date to show what a sensitive and caring father he is.
- He will cheat on his wife/girlfriend/significant other.
- He will shower, shave, and put some thought into his wardrobe.
- He will write you a poem.
- He will put a note in your shoe that you will later find that says he loves you.
Don’t believe it. He wants to get laid.
We shouldn’t hold it against them, either. Because when men profess their love, when they look into the pools of your eyes and tell you that you are the most beautiful woman in the world—that you are the sun, the moon, and the stars—in that moment they are telling the truth.
But when all is said and done, men’s love is fleeting, often dissipating in the amount of time it takes them to take their postcoital shower, whereas we gals tend to hang on to those “I love yous” like an authentic Chanel clutch.
I’d like to suggest that you let go of the clutch, ladies.
Donate it to Goodwill. Sell it at a secondhand shop. Give it to your babysitter for Christmas. It’s out of style. It doesn’t have a strap. And it will only get in your way when you are out at a club having the time of your life, holding a martini and dancing the night away.
Which brings me to . . .
P. Charlotte Lindsay is a middle-aged Solo Mom. She shares her newfound expertise as a user of a dating app that can help you meet guys, get laid, and maybe even find love. She is a real person, though her name has been changed to protect the innocent, namely her children and parents. You can follow her on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
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