The Broken-Heart Diet
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Recipes to cure the brokenhearted blues
It’s been good . . . better than good. It’s been great. You really like him, and you think about him all the time. You can’t wait to kiss him, to sleep in his strong arms. You think he’s “the one.”
You can’t imagine life without these moments, without this man.
He’s pulling away. He didn’t ask you out last weekend, and he’s not jumping on your texts. He’s ghosting you. He wasn’t able to keep a stiffy the last time you had sex. He’s “tired.” It’s “not your fault.”
You are losing your appetite. You go to the gym to work off your vibrating angst.
He stopped using heart and rose emoticons. He’s stopped using emoticons altogether. You don’t have your kids this weekend, but when you ask him to sleep over, he says, “I’m booked.” You know what that means.
You haven’t eaten in since Monday, save for cigarettes and vodka. You work out two hours a day to feed the adrenaline-fueled anxiety whirling in your gut.
Your friends compliment you on your weight loss. “You look great, P. Charlotte!”
You haven’t seen him in two weeks. He doesn’t return your texts at all. He stopped liking your Instagram and Facebook posts. You check his Facebook page (you’ve checked it every hour for the past two weeks), and you’re not in any of his photos. Instead, there is a nonstop stream of a hot, young Russian chick named Svetlana or Katinka or Tinkerbelle—there they are at the Hollywood Bowl, at Esalen, naked, in a hot tub.
His caption, “With my love, Larissa Kudshvlicostanchickenkiev, at Cheryl Crow.” Douche bag doesn’t even know how to spell Sheryl Crow! You look at her page; everything is reposted, misspellings and all.
Then you see it! It appears on your scroll: “In a relationship with Larissa Kudshvlicostanchickenkiev.” This is how you learn the news. The fucker you’ve been fucking for the past year is now fucking blini. (Seriously, girls, this is a true story!)
No matter. You have a broken heart, and you’ve lost 40 pounds. You are down to your prebaby weight. In fact, you’re down to your elementary school weight.
Time to heal, sister. Time to enjoy some pornographic, heart-mending, mind-numbing comfort food, and feel better.
Time to go on the Broken-Heart Diet.
- Eat the following at any hour. Binges are encouraged, followed by Netflix and sleep.
- Cuddling with children, friends, dogs, and even cats will provide additional relief.
- Resume diet the following morning, as directed. Continue for one week, then move on with life.
WARNING: This recipe is extremely dangerous so prepare at your own risk. This warning shall indemnify me of any and all lawsuits due to possible explosion resulting from you preparing this recipe, even though I am warning you that it is dangerous!
Plus, I am a single mom. If you sue me, you are a total asshole.
- Take one unopened can of sweetened condensed milk and remove the label.
- Boil for approximately one hour, making sure can is completely submerged.
- Remove can from heat and let cool.
- Put on protective glasses and hazmat suit.
- Open can and eat delicious, heavenly, heart-mending goo straight from can.
Note: at any given time during the boiling and cooling process, said can could explode, splattering molten hot caramel all over your kitchen and you, possibly landing you in the hospital—but tasting amazing nonetheless.
Double note: this is an actual recipe and extremely popular in the South, specifically with women.
My Mom’s Chocolate-Chip Cookies
Cream and mix in order:
1 cup butter (softened)
1 cup packed brown sugar
¾ cup sugar
1 teaspoon salt
2 large eggs
1½ teaspoon vanilla
2½ cups flour
1¼ teaspoon baking soda
2 cups chopped walnuts (optional)
3 cups chocolate chips
Stand over sink and eat raw dough.
Note: If you have only a partial broken heart, you may bake balls of dough at 375 degrees for around 12 minutes.
- Prepare bag of microwave popcorn with extra salt and butter.
- Add box of Sugar Babies candy directly to popcorn bag.
- Close popcorn bag and shake until candy is sufficiently coated with butter and salt.
- Sit ass in front of TV.
- Stuff mouth to capacity and chew vigorously.
Note: Sugar Babies are old-time chewy caramel candies that are still available at Walgreens and other old-time stores.
- Smooth softened butter on two pieces of white sandwich bread (preferably Wonder Bread).
- Spread both pieces of bread with crunchy peanut butter.
- Slather one piece with favorite jam or jelly.
- Place solid layer of Ruffles potato chips on jam slice.
- Top with another piece of bread.
- Smush and eat.
Mix together in blender, food processor, or by hand:
10 ounces cream cheese
1 12-ounce package La Victoria Chile salsa (or whatever salsa brand you like)
Serve with salty tortilla chips or use fingers.
1 can mandarin oranges (drained)
1 can pineapple tidbits (drained)
1 cup shredded coconut (sweetened)
1 small container of sour cream
1 cup small marshmallows
Refrigerate, then eat five cups.
Emergency Chile Rellenos
1 medium can of whole Ortega green chiles
1 pound cheddar cheese (cut into strips)
1 small can evaporated milk
2 large eggs
- Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
- Rinse and remove seeds from chiles.
- Place cheese strips in the middle of each chile.
- Put in casserole dish.
- Beat together milk and eggs, and pour over chiles.
- Bake until they look sufficiently gooey and a little toasty on top.
- Consume with four large margaritas.
Note: best if also consumed with five Taco Bell tacos with tangy hot sauce.
Snicker Bar Cake
1 package German chocolate cake mix
14 to 16 ounces of caramel squares
1 stick butter
⅓ cup milk
12 ounces salted peanuts (kinda chopped)
1 can prepared chocolate frosting
- Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
- Prepare and bake cake mix according to instructions on box and allow to cool.
- Melt caramels with butter and milk in double boiler (or microwave, depending on urgency).
- Punch holes in cake with end of wooden spoon.
- Pour caramel mixture over cake.
- Spread chopped peanuts over caramel.
- Frost with canned frosting.
- Wipe remaining frosting from can with finger and lick immediately.
Oh, and eat the cake.
For a serious emergency until further help (aka girlfriends) can arrive, consume any combination of the following:
- See’s molasses chips
- Butterfinger candy bar
- Dark chocolate dipped in peanut butter
- Finger dipped in peanut butter
- Anything dipped in peanut butter
- Ice cream from container with chocolate chips thrown in
- Chocolate chips directly from bag (sea salt optional)
Enjoy, heal, and do not step on the scale for one month. You already feel bad enough!
P. Charlotte Lindsay is a middle-aged Solo Mom. She shares her newfound expertise as a user of a dating app that can help you meet guys, get laid, and maybe even find love. She is a real person, though her name has been changed to protect the innocent, namely her children and parents. You can follow her on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
Please feel free to contact us with any comments or questions.