Mastering the Art of Friends with Benefits


Mastering the Art of Friends with Benefits

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I did it and so can you

I strip off my clothes and leave behind the worries of the day. I shower and primp my body as if I’m going on a date that might end in a hot, steamy night of passion. I put on my sexy lingerie, and the doorbell rings. It’s my friend with benefits (FWB). He immediately groans with delight when he sees me opening the door in next to nothing. He pushes me up against the wall and kisses me with mad passion. He picks me up, carries me into the bedroom, lays me down, and strips off his T-shirt. I am instantly delighted by the sight that I have come to know and love, and my anticipation builds. Piece by piece, our clothes come off as we reconnect with each other’s bodies and take time to pleasure each other. We’ve grown to know how to fulfill each other’s needs. My mind goes blank as I am taken fiercely and sensually, and my need for skin-to-skin contact has been gushingly met.

This is no “Wham, bam, thank you, Ma’am” encounter. I feel like a wild woman who is his for the taking, and take he does. However, he gives me what I need to feel satisfied, completed, and fulfilled. His words and actions make me feel sexy and adored. I take the time to appreciate his godly body as well, and to make every inch of him mine for that moment. His body is true perfection as I see it, and I enjoy devouring every inch of him with every part of me. We give and take and appreciate and check in with each other until the sex feels complete.

After the loving, we don’t linger lazily in each other’s arms. We start putting ourselves back together, finding our clothes, and having casual conversation about how our lives are going. We chat about our dating lives or lack thereof, and we give each other encouraging suggestions as to where to find a good partner. He recommends I try a local church where he has had some luck in the past but he has not found the one. We come in and out of each other’s lives. If one of us is involved in a monogamous relationship, our meetups are put on hold until the breakup sex is sought out. We don’t call and talk on the phone. If either of us sends a text and the other doesn’t respond, it’s taken as a sign that the other is seeing someone, and there is no follow-up. When the stars align and we are single and are both looking for some skin time, we have each other.

It truly is a blessing for a busy single mama who often does not have time for a committed relationship. So, yes, I do have a positive FWB relationship that is mutually beneficial. How did I get here? My FWB is my ex. He is not the father of my children. He is an ex that I had great sexual chemistry with, but I know with all of my being that we are not meant to be together as partners. He does not have what I desire in a husband, and he’s not expecting any more from me than sex because we have tried the relationship thing, and it did not work. We did have a messy, painful breakup, and there was a period when we did not talk at all. So, how did we get past the pain of the breakup to where we are now? We both dated other people. As time healed the emotional wounds, we both realized that the strongest part of our relationship was the sex. This was never discussed, but it is the truth and we both know it. The sex was always hot, which made the breakup that much harder.

When we ended our relationship, although we were both hurting, we let each other know that we would always love each other and be there for each other if there was something we could help each other out with. After an acceptable amount of time, I texted him one night after a breakup of mine and asked if he wanted to come over to hook up. He was single, so he was all for it. The sex was amazing because we hadn’t seen each other in a while. We will go for long periods without seeing each other. We then may hook up once or for a couple of weeks straight and then one of us disappears into a new relationship.

I think the key to not catching feelings is to keep things simple. Keep your FWB in his own category. He is not a friend you call to talk to. He is not a friend you call to go to a movie or share a meal with. He is a friend you call for sex. That is his only role. If you get stranded along the highway, call AAA or your girlfriend or your mother—whomever your support system is. Never expect any boyfriendlike commitments from him. Don’t ask him to be your “plus one” at a wedding or to cook you breakfast in the morning if it happens to be a late-night booty call and you both pass out.

So the secret, put simply: pick an ex-lover who blew your mind in bed but has nothing to offer you as a future partner except his expertise in the bedroom. Make it clear that your intention is to have mutually gratifying bedroom play by keeping conversation and clothing to a minimum. When the deed is done and the need has been fulfilled, gather your things and tell him you have somewhere you need to be. If he’s not cool with that, he’s not good FWB material. If he doesn’t satisfy you in bed every time, he is not good FWB material. If you are not over him, he is not good FWB material. If he is not over you, he is not good FWB material. The last secret is to keep dating or at least let him know that you are looking for Mr. Right elsewhere by talking openly about how you are joining Tinder or Bumble. Also, ask how his dating life is going, and encourage his efforts in this area. If he finds his Mrs. Right, there is always another eager ex out there who would be more than willing to be your sex kick. If not, maybe it is time to put yourself back out there into the dating biosphere.


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