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How to not send a picture of your tits to your friend’s husband
We’ve all seen people doing it at last call. Most of us have done it ourselves (kids asleep, empty bottle of chardonnay by your side). We’ve all shared the crazy-ass dialogues with our friends and perused the multitude of entertaining Instagram sites where one can share screenshots of outlandish text strands—a sort of modern-day public confession of “How low can we go?”
What is this low, you might ask? Drunk Tindering—and it can only lead to three things:
1. A collection of dates with bottom-feeders and teenaged boys.
2. Sexting with strangers.
3. Sexting with a collection of bottom-feeders and teenaged boys.
Our standards magically lower after martini number three—and the douche bag who’d normally be a massive swipe left, magically morphs into your dream man . . . the answer to all your problems . . . your Prince Charming!
If you are a shy Tinderella, as I once was, terrified to respond to match messages; if you are new to online dating, as I once was, afraid of Tinder because of its “hookup” reputation; and if you are recently divorced or new to online dating, as I once was, drunk could be the antidote to loosening the chastity belt, or at least loosening some fear and inhibitions.
Don’t do it.
Current studies and lots of girl talk show “likes” peak between midnight and 4:00 a.m., and the number of sex messages and dick pics almost double. The middle-of-the-night online scene is pretty much the same as a middle-of-the-night bar scene—everyone is drunk and horny.
Drunk Tindering is the proverbial last call—except you’re in the comfort of your own home. Nevertheless, you still have lost your common sense . . . because you are drunk.
Late hours accompanied by a solid buzz magnify that empty spot in your bed—the spot where there once was a man but now just a cat, comfortably asleep atop a mint-chocolate-chip ice-cream stain. This scenario creates despair . . . ergo sexual arousal. And whaddaya know—there’s your phone on the bedside table. Why not? After all, you’re drunk. . . . It’s the middle of the night. . . . What could possibly go wrong?
Bottom line: Prince Charming fantasies dissolve with three measly shots of tequila. We become emboldened, brazen, but mostly bored. And, hell, the dude on the other end of your cell doesn’t know you aren’t Jessica Alba’s cousin with flowers in your hair, on your tits, and draped across your 19-year-old vagina. He can’t see you. He knows nothing of the face mask and muffin top. He knows nothing of the cat.
So after you “match,” and he says, “Hey,” you say, “Hey.” And when he says, “What are you wearing?” you say, “Flowers in my hair, on my tits, and draped across my vagina.”
You’re off to the races!
Girlfriends—this is what sex toys are for. I know it’s not the same as a red-blooded penis (or as they say in drunk-text-speak, a “throbbing” penis) but neither is a cell-phone screen. And frankly, any dude who’s throwing out “likes” and texts at 4:00 a.m. in order to get himself off is probably a sleazy creeper, collector, lurker, or camboy (see this glossary of Tinder terms) . . . or little Justin across the street.
Your dignity is worth more than this. The horrifying lineup of dates and sext strands you’ll discover the next morning are not.
Be aware that when you are drunk, sexting can sneak up on you as easily as the unwanted, unsolicited dick pic—a grainy black-and-white Kafkaesque nightmare in which you don’t know how you got there and don’t know how to get out.
Therefore, I encourage you to memorize the following list of the most popular sexting lead-ins. If one of these sentences arrives, know that if you don’t turn off your phone—and fast—you are facing a solid case of carpal tunnel caused by the longest, grossest texting session you’ve ever had.
Here are the top 10 lines dudes employ to initiate sex (and a normal, nondrunk chick’s healthy reaction):
1. What are you wearing?
Uh . . . cotton pajamas.
2. I was thinking about you in the shower today.
I was thinking about my leg hairs in the shower today.
3. Wanna play?
Uh . . . play what?
4. Your lips are so sexy in your profile photo. I want to see the other ones.
What are you talking about?
5. I’ll bet you’re tired from your day. Wanna massage? Where do you want me to work my hands?
On the dishes?
6. I want to pour chocolate syrup all over your sexy body.
Can you pour it directly into my mouth? It’s less messy.
7. I wish I were there because I really want to ___!
8. Come kiss me all over with that hot mouth of yours.
9. I’m so into you. I want to be in you.
What’s on Netflix? Hmm . . .
10. I didn’t eat dinner tonight because there’s something else I want for dinner.
Oh, for fuck’s sake. Delete!
Aside from the freakfest of guys we “like” while inebriated, there is an upside to drunk Tindering—specifically sexting: We are girls. We multitask. I’ve been able to pleasure many a dude while simultaneously watching The Daily Show. Ergo, once it’s mission accomplished, I feel somewhat sexually satisfied and extremely jovial.
The bad news is it is usually only the dude who gets to pop that bottle of champagne because for the gals, pleasure can be a two-handed job. And typing takes at least one hand.
Hence, drunk Tindering gets really old really fast: too much damage control with a hangover, too boring, and ultimately sexually frustrating. Most of us require only that one hit of sexual attention, albeit drunk, and we’re ready to move on to the next middle-of-the-night game—such as Words with Friends.
WARNING: As for Ambien Tindering, avoid it at all costs. Whatever I have said thus far, triple and multiply by 10. Don’t do it!
You will remember nothing, and you will send a picture of your tits to your kid’s teacher or your friend’s husband who’s trolling in the middle of the night and sees you are online.
Once said husband discovers you are on Ambien (because you will tell him because you are on Ambien), he can easily manipulate you into revealing your darkest, most pathetic feelings. You will cry, he will console and tell you how beautiful you are . . . how hot you are . . . how he thinks about you naked . . . blah, blah, blah . . . one thing leading to another until . . . voilá, the next morning you discover a cell-phone selfie of your boobies, followed by a shot of his not-too-impressive penis resting on some sort of cotton diaper. (Note: Cotton diapers are common in dick pics. I have no idea why. They’re soft?)
Said photos will be accompanied by the nastiest strand of pornographic descriptors you never knew you knew. First, you will consider a career in writing porn. Then you will consider that this dude came on your face on the screen of his iPhone.
And he’s your friend’s husband!
The shame you will feel will lead you to all sorts of therapy; 12-step programs; avoidance of local supermarkets, gas stations, and neighborhood parties; and the writing of a book wherein you attempt to educate other naive postdivorce women to not make the same mistakes you did.
Nevertheless, if you do discover you have partaken in drunk Tindering, do the following immediately:
1. Delete and/or block all the dudes you “liked” or sexted while in your “impaired state” (especially your friend’s husband).
2. Put your cell phone under your kid’s pillow when you go to bed tonight.
P. Charlotte Lindsay is a middle-aged Solo Mom. She shares her newfound expertise as a user of a dating app that can help you meet guys, get laid, and maybe even find love. She is a real person, though her name has been changed to protect the innocent, namely her children and parents. You can follow her on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
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