A Single Mom’s Guide to Decoding a Tinder Profile
Go forth and swipe responsibly
In the last two years of being single, I have been on more than 50 dates with men I’ve met online. I have chatted with hundreds and read easily thousands of profiles. These are the things I’ve learned:
- If their pictures look like they were taken by Annie Leibovitz and they have the body of Channing Tatum, take screen shots first then swipe right to see what happens. They are usually a catfish.
- If the guy lists a derivative of the phrase “drama-free” or “no drama,” this means he is exceptionally immature, thinks the emotions of girls are “icky,” and/or is an excellent creator of drama himself.
- If he lists his occupation as something vague or humorous—e.g., “astronaut” or “school of hard knocks,” respectively—rest assured, he is unemployed and living in his parents’ basement.
- If every picture in his profile is a joke—him dressed in drag, in a floppy hat and mustache, riding a mechanical bull—and his bio reads like a slapstick-comedy sketch, it’s a safe bet that your toddler has a higher emotional intelligence.
- If his profile name is SeahawksRule77 or RedSox4Ever, unless you have an undying love of sports, too, you will always take a backseat on game day.
- If every picture is of him and his three kids and his bio reads, “Love being a dad!” and “Best kids on the planet,” then he is probably looking for a mother, not a partner.
- If the picture is simply a scantily clad body part or a picture of handcuffs, I don’t need to tell you what to do . . . to the left! (Unless, of course, you’re looking to let your inner dominatrix out. In that case, insist on a head shot.)
- If he mentions how much he likes traveling and all the countries he’s visited or cities he’s lived in, there is very little chance he’s going to stick around for anything other than a good time before moving on to the next enticing locale.
- If his entire profile is about how much FUN he wants to have because life is GREAT and he couldn’t be HAPPIER, then he might be going through a manic phase right now, which is fine. Just know that everything is probably not AWESOME all the time and he might lack some coping skills.
- If he asks you what you’re wearing within the first five messages, then he’s just looking for sex, no matter what his profile says.
- Phrases such as “Work hard, play hard” and “Looking for a partner in crime” or “hopeless romantic” mean he has little interest in originality, culture, arts, or creativity. This might also be the case if he leaves his bio blank.
- If he enjoys going out but also likes to stay in, prefers walks on the beach but skiing is his passion, loves a nice glass of red but is down for getting a beer . . . it’s likely that he has no idea what he wants, which might not be a mystery you’re willing to solve.
- If every picture is of him and his boat or sports car, and he always has his arm around an attractive woman, then do yourself a favor and swipe left. He is not going to be holding your hand at the spring concert watching your kid play the violin.
Trust me, ladies, I’ve made all these mistakes, so you don’t have to. Now go forth and swipe responsibly because there are some real catches out there! And, as they say, it only takes one.
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