1st Place - 2015 ESME Showcase Writing Essay Awards
I have attempted to practice meditation on and off for years. I recently heard someone reference sex as a form of meditation. I have never thought of this before and the concept intrigued me. I always thought of meditation as sitting cross-legged, with eyes lowered, hands on the lap, and the focus on breathing. This sex as meditation got me thinking. During really, incredibly great sex the focus is on the moment. We are not in our heads we are in our hearts. We are with each other. We are breathing deeply and connecting with another.
In my lifetime I have experienced different types of sex but the best sexual partners that I have had have been the ones that I could be fully present with and I knew they were fully present with me. We were focused on the moment. We were focused on the feeling of our bodies together in that moment. We made sure that we were both equally pleasured and the feeling with these specific people was almost indescribable.
When climaxing in this type of sexual encounter there is no you or I. There are no thoughts of past lovers or imaginary fantasy. There is only pure animal ecstasy that builds deep from within and when you finally climax the situation is so blissful that there is no holding back the release. The screaming, the breathing, the noisemaking, the shaking, the squeezing, the gripping and biting it is all found in the present. There is no thought that I should now breath deeper. There is no thought that I should now scream louder. These things are a natural reaction based on being fully present in making love.
I am currently single and have found each time that I go from being in an ecstasy filled relationship to going solo that the hardest part for me is the lack of the meditative sexual encounter. I do not want just any old casual sex with someone who may or may not please me. I want total presence and total pleasure. Really, is this too much to ask? Well, it might be from a one night stand or new lover. Not that it wouldn’t feel good or provide the needed release but the sex is different. It doesn’t totally fulfill. It doesn’t compare to the sex that you have been intensely experiencing.
The thing is, once you have this beautiful tantric experience just having a physical release with the guy down the street doesn’t even compare. So, what do you do in the meantime until you find your next sexual mediation partner? You masturbate because that way you will get the release you need and avoid becoming attached to someone before you are ready. You fulfill your own needs.
Today, after giving some thought to meditative sexual exploration I thought if sex can be meditation than why can’t masturbation. Can masturbation be a form of meditation? So, I tried. I took a shower, put on tantric music, kept my vibrator hidden away and used my fingers. I did this so that I could focus directly on the sensation that I was feeling and not worry about the power tool.
I did not fantasize I focused on the here and now. I used different pressures, strokes, and speeds and became entranced in the moment. I stayed with myself as I would stay with a lover. I was practicing deep breathing and focusing on the moment and before long my orgasm rose inside of me and it thundered! It roared! It was powerful and intense and afterwards I felt like I had just experienced meditative sex. I guess I did. I had meditative sex with myself.
I didn’t think it was possible to have such a powerful blissful moment during masturbation. I thought I needed to find a true lover before I could feel this way again. I knew I needed to share this idea with my sisters because I felt empowered. As solo moms we are always in the giving role. We are always doing for others and usually our needs and desires come last. As solo mom’s we don’t want to bring strange men into our homes. We don’t want to expose our children to new boyfriends until we find a suitable match. As solo mom’s we need to be safe in our sexuality.
We all need to sneak away from time to time for chocolate, wine, just to breathe, or just to get off. I never felt satisfied with this type of me time and it left me feeling needy for a man and wanting more. After today, I feel liberated in my independence and I know that until my new lover comes along, I will be able to provide for myself just as I provide for everyone else. I breathe in, I breathe out, I focus on my body. I focus on the present moment. I take myself to that place because I can. Do you know what? I’m better off because if it. My need is fulfilled, I feel calm and relaxed, and I smirk while drinking my glass of wine knowing that as a solo mom yes I can do it all.
Submitted by Susan Koons
Cover Photo: Ella Lindholm-Uzzi
Headshot: Susan Koons